Call Me Oblivious

This Reality.

When Rob and I were talking with his surgeon pre-surgery, and he kept saying to us, "... stage 2, possibly stage 3..."  I questioned him on that.  He told us that studies have shown when the kidney and ureter were enlarged, it was most likely past stage 2 to stage 3.  Rob's left kidney and ureter were very enlarged.  So we were prepared for a stage 3 diagnosis.

Tonight, as I was researching chemo and available options, and filling my mind with questions I want the oncologist to answer, I was stopped in my tracks...
I had a chart in front of me from the National Cancer Institute that broke down the diagnosis 'code' they use for classifying cancer in grades: TNM  -  Tumor, Node, Metastasis.

So I looked on the pathology report, and on the paperwork the surgeon gave us to go on to the oncologist with.  I looked back at the chart.  Twice.  Then again.  And the tears welled up in my eyes as I tried to stop them from spilling over...

"Stage 4"


I was prepared for stage 3, I had accepted stage 3 as a possibility, as a probability.  I must have closed my mind to anything else, or maybe it was closed for me until I was in a better place to accept it.  I looked at Rob in desperation, in tears, and in God's wonderful and abounding strength, Rob had already known and accepted this, and with his words to me and the "it's-going-to-be-okay" look in his eyes, I started to breathe again.  But that frantic, frigid reality was surrounding me, suffocating me.  But only for a moment... 

I sat quietly, numb, alone and yet not.  Then, as always, that stillness, that lingering, calming Peace was washing the darkness away, preparing me for battle, to prepare Rob for battle.

And, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute... we will be the Warriors we need to be, with the strength from your powerful and love-filled prayers.

I just needed a small space to let that go, so I can get on with the business of living, and living this life to the fullest.

In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥

Not What We Hoped For...

First and foremost, we know that God is in control, things happen for a reason, and with that knowledge, we are both grateful and humbled.

We met with Rob's surgeon this afternoon, and we did not hear what we hoped to hear.  We sat and locked hands as we listened...  The cancer was much more aggressive than what the doctor had thought.

Rob's bladder still had cancer in it, it had spread through the bladder to surrounding tissues, and was deep within the ureter wall.  He also had prostate cancer, the very lowest level - but in both lobes.  And out of the 26 lymph nodes they removed, cancer was found in three of them... a small number, but evidence it had spread.

We sat looking at each other, in a quiet place for a moment or two.  I was trying to hold back my tears as I squeezed tighter on Rob's hand.  I found myself lightly shaking my head, as if trying to make what I heard fall away.  But it didn't.  

The doctor spoke softly, in details we could understand, and apologized that he kept giving us bad news.  He wants Rob to see a medical oncologist, and have adjuvant chemo, which just means 'after surgery.'  Rob said he is just going to go in and talk with them  -  to find out the options  -  nothing more right now.

Rob the Warrior!!!

Prior to this news, the stints and the staples were all removed without any problems other than a pinch or two, and the doctor said Rob is healing remarkably well for what he's gone through.  And that he needs to keep 'fighting' and not let today's news take that fight away.

As we walked to the car, I was holding him even tighter.  The tears almost spilled over once inside, and as I tried to start driving away, Rob said, "Don't get us killed before chemo has a chance to kill me!"  (If you know Rob well, you know his sick humor!)  I thought of something bright and clever to go along with his acerbic wit, and we both laughed the tears away! ;)

Ahhh, now back to our new reality... 
 
We are processing a lot right now.  Taking lots of deep breaths.  Deep-in-the-soul breaths.  I have noticed that Rob is very quiet, he's weak and fatigued, and I know that I have to work hard to keep him from withdrawing to that dark place.  And those of you who know me, know that I will. :)

So with that, we are going to settle into a night of enjoying this life, and taking it all one day at a time.

As always, thank you for your continuing prayers, the cards, the love, and support.  It's YOU that keeps us strong!!!

In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥

     

Two Steps Forward...

Even though the days have been bitterly cold lately, the sun is still making an appearance and warming it up enough for walking... which Rob, Darby, and I have been doing almost every day now!

Yesterday, we walked all the way down our street to the 'long' corner, 930 steps!  You may wonder how I know that...?  Well, on the walk TO the corner, we talked as we walked.  On the way back, Rob was concentrating on mind-over-pain to make it the rest of the way, so he was quiet.  Darby was enjoying romping in the snow.  And I decided to count our steps to keep my mind off the fact that I was freezing!  Then I just doubled it.  So clever, eh?!?  Ahhh, the things I do to amuse myself!

Rob is making great progress, day by day.  He's still moving slow, and is noticing more 'pulling' sensations around the stoma sight, and a generalized soreness in the whole body area.  The doctors did an awful lot of maneuvering and rearranging, so it's to be expected.  I am so proud of all the pain Rob is working through so he can keep getting stronger.  He is trying so hard!  When we walk, or when he showers, it completely wipes him out, and he spends a lot of time sleeping.  But that's the way his body is healing... while he rests.  So I tell him, "keep resting."  And I watch him as he sleeps.  And I wish I could take all this pain and ugliness away from him.

We have a lot of quiet times now.  We have times when we just look at each other, not knowing what to say, but at the same time, saying so much back and forth in that silence... (I love you, I'm sorry it hurts, help me, how can I save you, why did this happen, do you still love me, I can't stop crying, what if there's more, is this going to stop, hold me, I'm scared, I'm angry, help me, God make me stronger...).  

And we just smile, and are content, as God wraps us in the comfort of your prayers.  It's going to be okay.  No matter what, it's going to be okay.

~~~

When Rob was in the hospital, it was a pretty critical time, and I kept updating quite often.  Being at the hospital for 15 hours a day made that easy!  The healing time here at home is moving slowly, so my updates will be fewer and farther between.  But that's a good thing!

Rob has an appointment with the surgeon on Wednesday afternoon.  He will get his belly unstapled, his kidney's unstinted, and we pray, that we will hear a wonderful pathology report from the surgery.  I will blog that evening with what we find out.  

Please, if I can ask so much... keep praying that the cancer is all gone, that with all they have done to my husband  -  with the cutting and removing and rebuilding and changing him  -  that it is enough.  

I really would like to take a moment to say thank you again to all of you...  

For those who have been keeping Rob (and me) wrapped in prayer, we have felt every one, they have kept us going, kept us strong, and kept us washed in peace...

For those who have sent cards, meals, and shared yourselves with us, brought us laughter and smiles, helped us to step  out of the valley if even for a moment...

For those who have sent gifts and financial help, you have no idea how much that has meant to us.  When the doctor told us that I would have to be home with Rob for up to 8 weeks, I went right to the place of humanness, and wondered how, without any paid leave from work, that could possibly happen...?  My daughter told me, "Mom, God will take care of you."  And He has been.  Everytime something new comes at us that was not expected, God works it all out.  And my faith is so much stronger because of you blessing us.
      
So thank you, our dear friends.  Thank you deeply, thank you sincerely, from humbled and grateful hearts... we thank you. ♥

In Great Love and In Deep Peace,

Cheri ♥ 

(I just want to mention again, as noted in the sidebar area, that I am not able to reply to comments that are made on this blog.  I have researched over and over, have all my page margins set as I should, but when I try to reply, it's sent off into the cyberworld somewhere... just not on this page!  So please know I read and appreciate each comment, but I can't post a reply or comment of my own.)

Better Each Day!

I know, I know... people have been calling because I didn't update yesterday, and I apologize.  I was intending on doing it all evening, but I kept falling asleep.  We both seem to be resting a lot lately!

We have had a couple of great days, and it's been such a blessing to us.  Yesterday, Rob was able to get through his entire shower on his own, and he did great, although it wore him out.  But that's okay, he's doing SO good!

Then it was HIS idea to try to go outside (in the frigid temps) and go for a walk, so out we went!  We made it down a few apartment buildings and back, further than I thought he'd be able to go.  We walked slow and steady, and it was amazing to watch him.  He was walking, with his eyes shut sometimes, just taking in deep breaths of the fresh air and thoroughly enjoying it.  Like he had never experienced that before and he was taking it in and planting a memory deep inside.  

It's life.  That's what he's tasting now... Life.

You become so aware of it all... the blessings, the love, the beauty... when you've had that fear come prickling over you that it could be gone.  All of a sudden, people and places and things fall into a much clearer perspective.

We walked again this afternoon, and made it almost to the first corner.  Slow and steady, hand in hand, dog in tow.  Cold, but happy. :)

Our home nurse visited again today, and this angel-lady is helping us greatly in securing some of the supplies, the new parts of our lives, making this whole valley walk more than tolerable.  We are so thankful for her, so thankful your prayers for helping us brought her here.  She is absolutely an answer to us.

Rob's system is still not functioning quite right, but it's getting better.  A dear friend shared with me the fact that the remaining organs will be shifting to fill in the places where the old ones were removed... and it makes complete sense to us.  There will be ongoing tweaks and adjustments for a while, and we just need to allow the time for healing and moving and healing some more.

One oddity Rob has noticed is that his taste buds are not quite right...  Things he used to enjoy are not at all enjoyable now.  Night before last he ate a small piece of my Dove Dark Chocolate, and he made the most awful face I've ever seen associated with Dove, and he said it tasted bad!  In my most loving and most playfully-sarcastic tone I said, "Ohhhh, Honey... that is SO sad!!!  I feel just terrible!"  Rob was cracking up as he said, "It just means more for YOU!!!"  Ahhh, yes  -  he knows me too well sometimes.

All of these little things are victories to us, and we are stacking them up in our hearts, gaining strength with each one.  They may seem like little strides in the big picture, but they are monumental to Rob and to me, and although each one wipes him out and ends in a time of sleep to recover, they are, still, steps forward.

And for that we are grateful.

The appointment with the surgeon is next Wednesday, January 30th, not the 29th as I had posted earlier.  On that day Rob will get all the staples out of his bruised belly, get those icky stints pulled out of his kidneys, and we will listen intently, hand in hand, as we hear the results of the pathology report and our future.

We're feeling good about it all, no matter what.  We're all wrapped snug and tight in the peace of your prayers.  (Thank you ♥)

One day at a time...



In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥           

A New Day - Thank Goodness!

I didn't write at all yesterday and I apologize.  Rob is okay, we're well.  Just had a DAY.  One of those that I hope stays away from us...

It started out with my helping Rob get up and disconnected from things, only to have a connection give way all over me and the dog's bed.  It could have been worse, so I took a deep breath and continued on.

Rob's home care nurse came for her first of four visits... It was two hours long, but the paperwork is complete and the remaining ones should go much faster.  These nurses are angels to us, helping us to try and secure a supply source, and giving us confidence that it's going to be okay.

The day was mostly a quiet one for us both.  We slept a lot, watched some movies, and tried to get life back to normal, whatever that may be.  We're still working on it.  But the quiet is what worries me deep inside...  We can't drift into the quiet or we'll get lost.  So I was working on that, keeping Rob talking about things, and trying to make him smile.

Rob's systems are still not all functioning as before, and I know he is struggling with this, as well as all the changes  --  inside and out.  And moving the wrong way is really getting his attention now.  He's lost close to twenty pounds, but he's slowly getting his appetite back.  ("Eat, Santa, Eat!!!"  --  I've been saying this line from 'Rudolph' to Rob over and over!)

Then last night the motor for the boiler on our side of the apartment complex quit working.  Mind you.... it was snowing, and the temp outside was 0 degrees with a windchill of up to 25 below.  We called the new apartment manager, left two messages, and with his return call and visit an hour later, found out that indeed the motor was shot and they couldn't even attempt to get parts or work on it until morning.  Cold is not a big enough word.

I couldn't have Rob getting sick on top of everything else, so I cleaned off the car and ran up to Meijer to buy an electric room heater... twice.  The first time, when I went to pay, I realized my checkbook was at home on the pile of bills where I had been playing roulette-of-sorts trying to figure out who got paid and who didn't.  Arrgh!  So I asked the sweet gal to hold my cart, I drove like a crazed woman home and back, and finally swiped away a chunk of change I wasn't planning on, but thankful that we had.

Then I came home, and after having myself an angry box-throwing pity party while I put the heater together in tears, we had heat shortly after midnight.  

I am ashamed of myself...

Rob is already struggling not being able to do the things he wants to do, and I'm coming unglued at a cardboard box and heater.  Sheesh.  I had to stop and gather myself.  It's times like these that I need to seek God's strength and not try to do this on my own.  It's times when I stray away, like last night, and not seek His guidance, that I turn into someone I no longer want to be.

We laid down to sleep with our new heat source, and in quiet tears, I let it all go.  Each inhale was not my own, it was God gently blowing His peace and strength into me, to keep me going.  And as I helped Rob throughout the night when he would wake, the calm was back, the strength, the peace of your ever-present prayers washing over us both.

Thank you...
 
So it is a new day  --  and I am so thankful for that.  So thankful to have the opportunity to try again, to be better.  

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."  (Proverbs 3:5-6)

This was one of the first scriptures I memorized many moons ago, and it is what gets me back on track when the enemy puts obstacles in my way.  I need to be more focused so I can see.

Please pray for strength... especially for my Rob. ♥

In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥