I can only keep trying to be better.
I started a new job just after the last post here. I spent the first two weeks of this month in training - pretty intense training for me - and just ended my first full week on the job. They are willing to let me work very close to full time hours, at least through the first of the year, so I will gladly grab that opportunity. They failed to mention to me, though, that I will only be paid bi-monthly, and in arrears to boot. So, we've been living creatively. :)
My head is so full of government regulations, anti-money laundering objectives, directives on diversity and fraud, and on and on... I really didn't think this ol' brain of mine could hold much more. I was so stressed that on the last day of training, during the final test, my overload was about to burst. I took a breath as I prepared to stand up and say with hands of surrender in the air, "I don't want this that bad." But as I readied to stand and announce my defeat, I felt His hands on my shoulders, and I heard Him say to only my heart, "You can do this." And that peace washed over me as I finished the task at hand. And even though I was one of the last to finish, I did finish. With a score of 97.5%. Whew.
Rob has been a trooper through all of this, too. He has been gracious and caring as I fell in a puddle each evening I came home, so unsure of what I chose to do. (Because of what I had to do.) He's been keeping the home front up for me, as I would come home, get some kind of food in our bellies, and fall asleep in my chair with notes in my lap for the next day.
But each day is getting a bit better. I have wonderful support at work, and they are really making me feel welcome and helping me. Yesterday they told me they were really proud of me. Warm fuzzies rained from head to toe. It's going to be okay. :)
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| Rob getting July birthday gifts from Izzy and Ally... :) |
Rob has been dealing with headaches ever since the chemo, only they seem to be worse than they were. He's taking some kind of pain med most days, and sometimes they don't even take away the pain. We're not sure what the cause is, but it's on our list of questions when we see one of his doctors again.
We had an appointment scheduled with the oncologist this coming Tuesday, but they called to reschedule it just a couple of days ago. They wanted to change it to October, but we decided not to. We already have an appointment with Rob's urologist/surgeon in October, and since he's the one that found the cancer in the first place, we feel better about just waiting to see him. The oncologist appointment was just for a check-in, nothing more. And we're still battling bills with her office staff. Ugh.
We have an appointment scheduled through the oncologist for bloodwork in November that's needed for the CT scan he'll have the beginning of December. And we're already scheduled to see the oncologist following that CT for results. If things change in the meantime, I'll let you know.
Some days Rob is really upset about the surgery he had to have. He doesn't like what it's done to his body, how it's changed him forever, how it's a constant reminder, and how it's not going to change. My tears are silent to all but me.
Needless to say, Rob's not in a big hurry to get back to see any of the doctors. I still quietly worry. Most days. He says he doesn't feel well, and I can tell. He doesn't like to do much of anything, as he wears out quickly, and noise seems to bother him. Any noise. He sleeps a lot. Between the bed and the couch, every day and night. Sometimes I just look at him and my whole body breathes slowly. I am so deep in thought that there are no words. Lots of sadness, but no words.
I had a bad dream in the early morning hours Friday, and it shook me up pretty bad. I never spoke of it and I won't. It just made me even quieter through my Friday. I was able to finish up the last of 29 additional online training programs throughout this last week, the longest of which was Friday. It was good, because it occupied my mind between customers most of the day, and kept my mind from going to places I try to stay out of. Sometimes I hate reality.
I have dozens and dozens of photos I've taken over the summer months, and probably hours of time to format them to my compy. I may tackle that tomorrow afternoon and get some of them posted here and there.
We've had a nice but quiet summer. Sad and happy to see it go. Autumn is my most favorite season of the year, and it begins this afternoon! I am hoping it is a season of smiles and happy, of leaves and cider mills, of family and friends, and laughter and peace. I want those memories.
Be blessed, dear ones. You are thought of and prayed for daily. I am so thankful for you. Even when you don't hear from me, you are in my heart.
Goodnight. Or, Good Morning. :)
In Love and In Peace,
Cheri ♥
