Firecrackers and Doctors

The summer heat is ferocious... well, to me, anyway!
Rob is dealing with it quite well, thanks to the a/c and the beautiful, cool evening soft winds.  

Me?  I am eternally an Autumn Girl. :)
 

Autumn, 2013

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

 

Here's what's been happening in our part of the world...

Rob and I got the results of the CT last week, and the cancer is not gone, but it is "stable" for now, so Rob will remain on a chemo holiday for a bit longer.

 

These are the notes from the oncologist (Dr. B) visit last week:

• As you may remember, Rob is in stage 4 liver disease... the chemo did great damage to his liver.  So now we are seeing Dr. A, the nephrologist, tomorrow, to see what his plan of action will be.  Dr. B says the liver is taking priority right now.
•  Rob will redo the CT's again in September, but we will be checking in with Dr. B every 6 weeks.  Since the cancer is in the lymph nodes, when it takes off again, IT WILL TAKE OFF.  So, Dr. B wants to keep a handle on it.
• She gave us a list of symptoms to watch for regarding the cancer's return... she said we would know, that it will be "different" somehow.

From all the pre-tests Rob has had with Dr. A so far, we know there is much scarring in the liver, so we are hoping there is something that can be done to help strengthen it again.  Hoping.

In the meantime, Rob's hair is returning... eyebrows, beard, eyelashes, arms, legs, belly... he's looking like his old "Baer" self again (inside joke!)... ;)  
He is on a couple of stronger prescription pain meds now, because the headaches just don't stop unless he's sleeping, which he still does quite a bit of.  
He spends his awake time conversing with old friends and family on the beautiful gift of a new computer from Sister Holly and Brother Stu... which I thank them for from the bottom of my heart, too!!!  Facebook has become his connection to normal days where he can enjoy his music and share "funnies" with others.  I really am thankful he has that literally at his fingertips.

And his sense of humor?  Still intact.  :)

 

Rob doesn't leave the house much except for doctor's appointments, so to have him join some of the family for dinner on the fourth... it was great!!!  He filled up with food, smiles, little hugs, and probably one too many s'mores, but he had fun, and that's what mattered!!!  The grandkids were SO happy to see him!  They have had to stay away during the chemo because of Rob's immune system being shot.  They sure have missed "Mr. Rob" a lot!!!

We will celebrate our 4th Anniversary in two days, July 9th!
It's hard to believe so much has happened like it has...

Rob and I found each other and got back together in 2010, 
married in 2011, 
he was diagnosed with terminal stage IV cancer in 2012, 
surgery in 2013, 
and chemo on and off since then.

We have tiptoed through the dark valleys, and been carried over the crevices, and lifted back on the path to the mountaintops by your unfailing prayers...
I don't know how to even thank you for the time you've given us together, but I am humbled and grateful, and I thank you for keeping us in His arms through it all.

1st Anniversary, 2012

2nd Anniversary, 2013

 

3rd Anniversary, 2014

We know that the journey is not over, and there will most likely be more valleys and dark paths coming... more than we want.  But we are both filled with peace and calm, and a passion to make sure you all know where our strength comes from.  Because without our faith in God, in His Son Jesus, and without the prayers of His people... we would be lost in this darkness.  We know there is much to learn, and much to share.  And we welcome the opportunities He gives us... regardless of the circumstances.

So we say to the darkness... "Bring it on!!!"  
We have the power of God on our side!!!
Our time here, in reality, is but a brief dance on the wind.
Eternity is where it's at. :)

Enjoy your days... we are!  Enjoy the sunshine and flowers and summer breezes, the laughter and smiles, even the thunder and lightening and pouring rain.  Yes, and the non-stop firecrackers!  
Seasons of life... ahhhh, yes!

We'll be back soon.  Until then, do something good and fun and unexpected.  Pay it forward.  Love.  

Most importantly... Love. ♥  


In Love and In Peace,

Cheri (and Rob) ♥    

Gliding Along on Summer Breezes...

Hey, look who's back!!!

I know, we've been absent from here for quite some time.

Lots going on, and summer is here.  We've been enjoying the birds, and the breezes, and the nice days, and the stormy ones, too.  Rob's hair has been growing back slowly, and other than the never-ending headaches, and a few new pains here and there, he is a bit more chipper than he has been in some time.  He's decided to grow his beard back for a while, too.  The pics interspersed are from this morning... never ask a 'ham' if he wants his picture taken! LOL!

I'll fill you in a bit on what's been happening in our part of the world, here in crazy Michigan.  We'll just touch on the mountain tops, and keep the valley areas more private.  Just seems appropriate and needed.

As you remember, Rob had just begun his fourth cycle of chemo in April... scheduled for another several months of treatments.  While at the second Medical Short Stay visit, he received a phone call from his oncologist in the room, IV already started, explaining why she was stopping the chemo effective immediately.  His liver numbers were continuing to rise and she was afraid he'd go into liver failure.  

So we stopped, went home early (that was nice) and waited a week or so to go see Dr. B.  When we went for the appointment, she explained in more detail why she did what she did, and asked him to go see a nephrologist (liver specialist) within the next 1-2 days, her office to set it up for us.

Here in lies some of my frustration...

We finally got the gals to get the appointment set after six phone calls and four weeks.  You know how I got it done?  I called her office that sixth time and said, "I was wondering if you could do me a favor... Can you leave a message for the doctor explaining that the reason Rob hasn't gotten in to see the liver specialist within 48 hours of the appointment is because I've made six phones calls to the office and have yet to get anyone to help?  Just so she knows."


We got a call with the appointment within a day, and that was that. :)


So Rob had LOTS more tests done over the course of the last few days, and we have found out that the chemo had a detrimental effect on his ol' liver.  So the liver man, Dr. A, talked to Dr. B, and they are not going to do anymore chemo until they see what, if anything, they can do to help the liver.


Next week Rob will go in on Monday for the CT of his chest, abdomen, and pelvis so we can see what the cancer is doing, and we'll meet with Dr. B the next day to go over the results.  Then, as Dr. A explained, he and Dr. B will have to get together to figure out which to treat, and what the action plan will be.

In the meantime, we are just going to enjoy each day, even during the thunderstorms inside and out.  They are days to enjoy, days to cherish, and days that we will be thankful for, come what may.

Thank you all so very much for keeping us in your prayers and thoughts over these last couple of years...  You have no idea what an impact you have all had on our lives through everything.  Yes, there are overwhelming days still, filled with anger and tears, phone calls, and not-so-understanding bosses... but they pass quickly.  And when we stop getting lost in the muck, and just let it all go, the peace of God is ever so present  --  giving us strength and optimism and the spirit to go on.  Grace.  Yes.

Thank you is not enough... but thank you, to eternity and beyond. ;)

I'll be back next week (or so) to let you know what our action plan is.  In the meantime, your continued prayers would be so appreciated.

Have a blessed day, week, and summer!!!  Even here in Michigan where there seems to be more rainy days than sunny ones lately!  
At least we have the days! :)

May God richly bless you all. 

In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥  

At a Standstill... Sort of

Some days it feels like I just started this blog for Rob.  

Other days it seems like a lifetime ago.

(Rob and I, pre-C  --  2012)

It was four weeks this past Monday since Rob had any chemo treatments.

If you remember, he was sent home after the IV had already been started for his second round of the fourth cycle of chemotherapy for stage IV bladder cancer.  Rob got a call in the medical short-stay unit from his oncologist to stop the treatment as he was finishing the third of the pre-drugs and about to get the actual chemo...  The change in plans was due to the blood work results that were drawn when we got there.

(Stock photo)

Rob's liver counts were high, and climbing dramatically each week.  His doctor was afraid he would go into liver failure if he received the treatment.

So... Rob, sister Holly, and I packed up and went home to wait for a few weeks to recheck the numbers.  We saw Dr. B this past Tuesday and she had more blood drawn to check Rob's liver counts.  

We got the results back yesterday.  

Four weeks since his last chemo treatment, and the numbers are even higher.  They are continuing to climb, and we don't know why.

I have a theory...  the liver filters out toxins, and the docs have been pumping him full of poison pretty much straight since November of last year.  And that doesn't count the four months of the initial treatments in early 2013.

(Stock photo)

But Rob is strong.  

And his body is working hard to fight this beast.

So Dr. B is referring Rob to a hepatologist  --  a physician who specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of diseases of the liver, gall bladder, pancreas and biliary tree.  Rob is not big on the idea of seeing yet another specialist.  Or any doctor for that matter.  When he called me at work yesterday to tell me this latest news, he said to me, "The cancer is going to get me, they can't stop that.  Why should we pay to go to more doctors?"  I told him it might be a good idea to at least find out what exactly is causing the high numbers.  He reluctantly agreed for now.  We are waiting to hear back from Dr. B's office on where and when the appointment will be.

(Patience please, Lord.)

(Stock photo)

Dr. B has officially put Rob on a "chemo holiday" for awhile, as she said the chemo at this point is not a good option.  She said his body is not tolerating it, so she wants him to rest for a bit.  He'll have the CT's again on his chest, pelvis, and abdomen toward the end of June to check on the cancer growth, and we'll meet with Dr. B the following day to get the results.  

So as far as the chemo goes, Rob is on "holiday" for the near future.

He continues to deal with headaches that stop him in his tracks and contort his face in ways that intense pain can, but he says they are not as bad as they were.  So that is good.  He is trying to get by on lesser strength pain meds, just because he wants to right now.  Dr. B told him if he needs anything stronger to let her know, and he can get it.

I was home today.  Work wasn't an option for many reasons.  Mostly I just needed to be home.  The sun has been out all day, the temps are warming back up again, birds have been chirping as they play amongst the branches of the flowering trees, children on the playground...  The world continues and life goes on all around us.

(Me)

When I am not being filled with smiles and joy from my baby and her babies, I find myself so deep in thought.  More and more.  I pray and cry out to God with all the goods and all the bads, all the joys and all the fears.  My relationship with Him is stronger each day, and it is so much closer than ever before.  And it is so good.  

One moment I feel like I will shake apart at the seams, and the next, I am breathing peacefully as He whispers life into me with each breath.  Contemplating.  Being.  Praying for guidance, praying for wisdom.  Seeking answers I may or may not hear.  The "yes" answers are mostly comforting, the "wait" ones are the hardest, and the "no" ones are mixed...  sad at the loss of made-up hopes and dreams, but happy at being able to let go, finally and forever, and get back to living.

So many words and pictures and songs and dreams swirling around in my being day and night, and I am finding comfort in not feeling like I have to have answers, or control.  I just have to have faith, and trust, and be obedient.  And whatever the future holds, it's all going to be okay.  Because God knows best, and He works all things for good for those who believe and love Him.  

And I believe.

And I love Him.

In this I go on.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Rob and I continue to be humbled and grateful for the love and prayers and support expressed to and for and about and around us both... it is all felt and appreciated, and we love you all more than words can say.

I will update when I know more.  

About anything. :)

(Found during an afternoon walk...)

In love and in peace,

Cheri ♥ 

Late, Early, and an Abrupt Stop

(Stock Photo)

I am late in updating the blog.  Many good reasons, some to come.

I am early in the day as I write, compared to normal.  Again, a good reason.  Thunderstorms are rolling in soon, and my techy things will be unplugged.

And the abrupt stop came about this afternoon...

(I don't have any new pics today, but will stick in a few older things here and there.)

Last week was one of the hardest and craziest I've been through, and I am so glad it's over.  Worship on Sunday morning filled me with hope, and the storm clouds were washed from my eyes and heart so I could clearly see again.  

And breathe.  

Enough on that.

2010

Last Monday Rob began the fourth cycle of chemotherapy, with hopes of going another three months before having to take a break.  He knows that the cancer will grow during the break times, which is why he wanted to just keep attacking it as long as he could.

He tolerated the treatment like the fighter he is, and spent much of the treatment, and week, sleeping and taking pain meds.  He's moving a bit slower, and doesn't have too much to say most days, but he stays in touch with all of his friends on Facebook, and they keep him going strong, and keep a smile on his face and in his heart.

Today we went to the hospital for his second treatment of chemo.  He takes three pre-chemo drugs/IV's, then the actual chemo drug.  Well, he was almost through the third pre-drug, when the nurse came in and handed him the phone, saying his oncologist would be calling any moment... and the chemo was cancelled.

2011

It seems both of Rob's liver numbers are high.  Not just high.  But HIGH.  One is over five times the normal high level, and the other is just over eight times the normal high level.  She told Rob that if he took the chemo drug, he could go into liver failure.

So, Rob agreed with her that he will rest for the next few weeks, and we will revisit with his oncologist on May 12th to re-check the bloodwork and see where to go from there.

He was pretty quiet on the way out of the hospital today, and is feeling a bit down about having to stop already after only one treatment in this fourth cycle.  But we both know that things happen for a reason, and whether we understand everything fully or not, that's okay with us.

He came home and went to sleep, and is sleeping still.  He doesn't look well and he doesn't feel well, but he is still big and strong and still has lots of fight inside.  He just needs a little rest time, that's all.  

And that's okay.

(Stock Photo)

The weather has started to even out in a good Spring way.  

Lots of sunny coat-free days and nice, nice breezes.  

The kind you stand in with your eyes closed as the bad all wisps away from you... inside and out.  

I like  --  no, I need those days.  More of them.

(Stock Photo)

I have found myself reflecting quietly a lot, in between hysterical outbursts when everything keeps going wrong.  But those quiet times are holding me together.  I told my daughter that at times I just feel a constant humming, keeping me from frazzling apart.  I am lost in thoughts... mostly mindless ones, but deep ones, too.  I find it's best most days to just keep my mouth closed and keep my hands busy and let my mind run free.  
God is working on me, molding me...  

For what, I don't know.  

But it's going to be good.  :)

So unless something drastic changes before May 12th, I won't be seen or heard from too much.  

I am escaping to nowhere for awhile.

(Stock Photo)

I am so thankful for you... for you all.  I have felt your prayers wrap around us, I have heard and read your encouraging words, I listen to music that captures my soul, and I rest in His arms, secure.

Thank you ♥ 


In Love and Truly Wrapped in Peace,

Cheri ♥

(Stock Photo)

 

On Your Mark, Get Set...

Greetings!

So much to fill in since we last spoke. :)

We welcomed Spring, and welcomed a freak snowstorm.  So I set up our balcony belongings shortly thereafter, and so far, no more snow.  
I like to think I helped.  ;)

 

Easter was spent with family...  
Rob's sister Holly joined me and most of my family for church service, where Izzy danced in praise to God... so nice!  Then we went to Mike and Colie's home and laughed and spent time in fellowship as we shared a homemade brunch of French toast and bacon.  Later in the day, I joined with my immediate family at my sister's home where enjoyed more time with those that were able to come.

Izzy is in blue in the front toward the left... this was beautiful :)

Rob was not up to joining us for any of the day as he was not feeling the best, and wanted to stay home to rest and sleep.  But he gave us his blessings to attend the celebrations with his best to all.  We spent the afternoon together, and later evening together as he dozed on the couch.  I did notice when I got home that there was less Easter candy than what the Bunny brought for him that morning...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Rob had his CT on March 30th, and we were quietly on edge waiting until we saw his oncologist, Dr. B, Tuesday.  We had received the results a few days prior, and were waiting to talk with her about what it all meant, and what to do from here.

The barrage of chemo treatments seemed to help, as the cancerous lymph nodes and masses did shrink  --  not a lot, but at least they didn't continue to grow, and that's what she was hoping for. 

Last Saturday night, Rob's lower legs, ankles, and feet were very swollen, and I was on the phone with the on-call oncologist right away.  Long story short, I got home about 10pm after driving an hour round trip to a 24-hour pharmacy to get some Lasix to take the swelling down until we got in to see Dr. B Tuesday.  

These are the decisions that were made at the appointment yesterday:

• Rob chose to continue with a fourth cycle of chemo (3 months) to try to continue to shrink the cancer.  Dr. B, although she initially wanted to give him a "chemo holiday," went along with Rob's wishes since his blood count numbers are holding up well enough to continue.  I'm a little worried about the toll it will take on him due to his current condition, but it's what he wants.  So he will start up again this coming Monday.
• Dr. B wrote an order for a venus doppler on both his legs for today (Wednesday) to rule out a blood clot, since though the swelling in his lower legs was down, it was still not gone.  So we spent most of the late afternoon at Beaumont getting the ultrasound done.  We left with a big smile on Rob's face after bring told there were NO blood clots!  PTL!  We'll have to talk with her again to get more meds if the swelling doesn't disappear.
• This time, Rob will have 3 weeks of chemo, and one week of rest, for the next three months.  Hopefully it will take a lesser toll on him  --  with the week break here and there  --  considering where he's starting from this time around.
• We will see Dr. B again in 4 weeks so she can keep a close eye on him.

 

Rob doesn't want me taking pictures of him right now, as he keeps saying he just sees "death".  I don't like hearing that.  He thinks the death jokes are funny, so we go with it.  He did approve this picture... it was not against his will.  ;)

As for me?  
I am finally over my sickness... it lasted 19 days!  However, I have been breaking out in hives for the last week.  Not sure if it's my body cleansing from the illness, or the stress trying to get out.  :)

I am missing a lot of work, and spending free time with Nicole or hiding out in my quilt room.  There is a lot of quiet time, with my Riley-boy by my side.  He is still getting in trouble, but he's so cute it's hard to stay angry.  The world is still big and new to him, having only been in it for just over 8 months now... and there is so much to explore!  He's a big boy, over 52 pounds so far, and though he's a bit wild around others, he is a gentle boy with his Mom, and knows how to play my heartstrings.  

And I just love his expressions, and I love his ears.

His dog bed is rarely FLAT on the floor... he wrestles with it!

I find I surround myself with old movies, music, and lots of quiet as I float through these days.  I get lost in daydreams.  Time is disappearing.  

I've been stressing about so much, though I know I shouldn't.  I don't mean to do it... it's just there.  Things pop into my head, like whether to renew our lease or not, but I have been set straight by family not to fret about those things right now... It's a small worry in the big picture of life.  So as hard as it is for me, I have let that go, and will stop looking for somewhere else to land.  

It's really hard to keep my ducks in a row when I don't know which pond they're on.

Well, we are due for severe storms tomorrow (Thursday) evening.  I don't like that.  They always bring back thoughts of the tornado of 1976 I went through.  Took many years to get over those memories.  Of course these storms are due to hit in the dark hours when we can't see them coming...  We'll just hear them, and feel them, but not know what's actually coming at us.

Isn't that how life is sometimes?  
You can't always see what's coming.  That's where TRUST comes into play... believing, having faith.   

I think these storms are trying to remind me of some things I shouldn't let fear take away. 

(Deep breath.  In and out.  Over and over.  Thank you, dear Lord.  Yes, I'm listening...)

No matter what, it's going to be okay.  No matter what. 

This I know.


In Love and Peace,

Cheri  ♥    

 

Chemo, Cycle 3 - Completed

Just a short and sweet update on Rob... Honest!!!

He finished the ninth and final chemo treatment scheduled for this third cycle of treatments!  His numbers in the red blood count areas are still rather low, but all-in-all, the WBC and platelet counts have held up when they should have continued to fall.  

I was not there with Rob and Holly again for this last treatment, but according to Rob, it went really well, and for that I am thankful.  So grateful also that Holly is here.  I am still nursing bronchitis, and wishing my meds would work.  Day 15 now and I don't feel much better.  But I know sometimes these things take time to clear up.  No energy to rattle on too long, lucky for you!!! LOL! ;)

Rob is scheduled to re-do the CTs of his chest, abdomen, and pelvis area next week to see what the cancer is doing, and then on April 7th, we will meet with Dr. B (Rob's oncologist) to go over the results and see what the future holds.

Until then, we are free, carried on a wing and your prayers.  (Thank you!)

2010

Rob is going to be enjoying the time away from the hospital... he's been there all but one week so far this year.  That's a lot.  You'll find him in his cyber world of music and trivia.  You, his friends, have touched his life deeply, and continue to do so daily.  He's complete in his world there with all of you. (Thank you)

Me?  

In my mind, I will be here:

No television, no computer, just books and fabric and scissors and a dog, and the music of wind in the trees. :)

  *********

I'll update on the CT results sometime after April 7th.  
Please continue to lift us both in your prayers...  

We are ever so thankful.  

Yes, God is enough.  Our strength is in Jesus.  Always and forever. ♥


In Love and Peace,

Cheri ♥  

One More to Go...

Well, Rob had his 8th chemo treatment in the third cycle this past Monday, and something happened that I never thought would happen...

I wasn't there with him.

Holly pic :) ♥

But thankfully, Rob's sister Holly, my "Sister Bear", was by his side.  Holly took this photo of Rob during the treatment... very cool shadow play there, Hol!!!  They told me the treatment went well, and Rob slept through the last part, after partaking of a little Starbucks food and drink with his Sis.

I am on day 10 of being, well, pretty sick!  I just can't seem to shake this bug, and I don't know how I caught it...  I am taking so many vitamins and sanitizing and washing... to keep Rob well.  Go figure.  Probably stress, though I feel like I'm handling things okay.  On the outside.  Maybe.

So we have been living on different sides of the apartment... Well, I have been hangin' in my quilt room from sunup until sundown.  Rob lets me sleep in the bed while he takes the couch, then we switch places when Riley and Gypsy get me up around 5:30a-6am.  It's been crazy.  And I'm tired.

And yes, before I get all those emails, I am going to the clinic tomorrow after I get off work to get some drugs, since I can't seem to shake this on my own, and it's not getting any better, just moving down.  Hummphf.  New word.  My spelling.

Rob's numbers are a little up, a little down... probably because he's trying to fend off the germs from me.  *sigh*

I did a little reading on "chemo brain" and read that it is actually a cognitive impairment... a manifestation of central nervous system toxicity that occurs in many cancer patients on active therapy, and that it may persist for 45% of patients after treatment is discontinued.  Rob has really been bombarded with these chemicals during this cycle, more so than what is normally prescribed.  So the issues he experiences are certainly understandable.  With the first cycle back in 2013, he experienced mental fogginess and fatigue, which never completely went away.  These last two cycles, right in a row since November 2014, are leaving an impression.  One we hope goes away.

Next Monday will be treatment number 9.  Yeah!!!  Then we know he will FOR SURE have two weeks free from chemo, as he undergoes a repeat of the chest, abdomen, and pelvis CT's on March 30, and we return to see his oncologist for the results on April 7th.  

Patience... patience.  Only from Grace.

Some of my views in my quilt room that surround me, keeping me who I am:

 

I am halfway done with a special project I've been working on (in my heart and mind) for over 7 months now.  Details hopefully soon. ;)

♥

  
Thank you so much, our dear friends and family, for standing so strong for so long with us on this bumpy journey so far, for keeping Rob (and me) lifted in prayer, for your words of encouragement, for the help we've received in so very many ways....  I will never be able to tell you how you have blessed our lives, especially these last 26 or so months.  We could not possibly have kept the pace, kept the smiles on our faces or in our hearts, let alone be feeling so good and so strong, without your willingness to let God move through you.  We are so humbled and so grateful beyond words.

I am cooking a pot roast today, something I don't do too often (not a red-meat eater), but it's just like my Mom used to make.  Comfort.  It smells wonderful.  I won't think so tomorrow when that's all we smell in the apartment, but right now, it smells like home. :)

Have a blessed weekend, be safe out there, enjoy the bit of Spring that has sprung across the country.  The birds singing all day long each day in the trees outside my quilt room offer such hope for the future in my soul.

No matter what, it's going to be okay.  

God is enough. 

In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥