At a Standstill... Sort of

Some days it feels like I just started this blog for Rob.  

Other days it seems like a lifetime ago.

(Rob and I, pre-C  --  2012)

It was four weeks this past Monday since Rob had any chemo treatments.

If you remember, he was sent home after the IV had already been started for his second round of the fourth cycle of chemotherapy for stage IV bladder cancer.  Rob got a call in the medical short-stay unit from his oncologist to stop the treatment as he was finishing the third of the pre-drugs and about to get the actual chemo...  The change in plans was due to the blood work results that were drawn when we got there.

(Stock photo)

Rob's liver counts were high, and climbing dramatically each week.  His doctor was afraid he would go into liver failure if he received the treatment.

So... Rob, sister Holly, and I packed up and went home to wait for a few weeks to recheck the numbers.  We saw Dr. B this past Tuesday and she had more blood drawn to check Rob's liver counts.  

We got the results back yesterday.  

Four weeks since his last chemo treatment, and the numbers are even higher.  They are continuing to climb, and we don't know why.

I have a theory...  the liver filters out toxins, and the docs have been pumping him full of poison pretty much straight since November of last year.  And that doesn't count the four months of the initial treatments in early 2013.

(Stock photo)

But Rob is strong.  

And his body is working hard to fight this beast.

So Dr. B is referring Rob to a hepatologist  --  a physician who specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of diseases of the liver, gall bladder, pancreas and biliary tree.  Rob is not big on the idea of seeing yet another specialist.  Or any doctor for that matter.  When he called me at work yesterday to tell me this latest news, he said to me, "The cancer is going to get me, they can't stop that.  Why should we pay to go to more doctors?"  I told him it might be a good idea to at least find out what exactly is causing the high numbers.  He reluctantly agreed for now.  We are waiting to hear back from Dr. B's office on where and when the appointment will be.

(Patience please, Lord.)

(Stock photo)

Dr. B has officially put Rob on a "chemo holiday" for awhile, as she said the chemo at this point is not a good option.  She said his body is not tolerating it, so she wants him to rest for a bit.  He'll have the CT's again on his chest, pelvis, and abdomen toward the end of June to check on the cancer growth, and we'll meet with Dr. B the following day to get the results.  

So as far as the chemo goes, Rob is on "holiday" for the near future.

He continues to deal with headaches that stop him in his tracks and contort his face in ways that intense pain can, but he says they are not as bad as they were.  So that is good.  He is trying to get by on lesser strength pain meds, just because he wants to right now.  Dr. B told him if he needs anything stronger to let her know, and he can get it.

I was home today.  Work wasn't an option for many reasons.  Mostly I just needed to be home.  The sun has been out all day, the temps are warming back up again, birds have been chirping as they play amongst the branches of the flowering trees, children on the playground...  The world continues and life goes on all around us.

(Me)

When I am not being filled with smiles and joy from my baby and her babies, I find myself so deep in thought.  More and more.  I pray and cry out to God with all the goods and all the bads, all the joys and all the fears.  My relationship with Him is stronger each day, and it is so much closer than ever before.  And it is so good.  

One moment I feel like I will shake apart at the seams, and the next, I am breathing peacefully as He whispers life into me with each breath.  Contemplating.  Being.  Praying for guidance, praying for wisdom.  Seeking answers I may or may not hear.  The "yes" answers are mostly comforting, the "wait" ones are the hardest, and the "no" ones are mixed...  sad at the loss of made-up hopes and dreams, but happy at being able to let go, finally and forever, and get back to living.

So many words and pictures and songs and dreams swirling around in my being day and night, and I am finding comfort in not feeling like I have to have answers, or control.  I just have to have faith, and trust, and be obedient.  And whatever the future holds, it's all going to be okay.  Because God knows best, and He works all things for good for those who believe and love Him.  

And I believe.

And I love Him.

In this I go on.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Rob and I continue to be humbled and grateful for the love and prayers and support expressed to and for and about and around us both... it is all felt and appreciated, and we love you all more than words can say.

I will update when I know more.  

About anything. :)

(Found during an afternoon walk...)

In love and in peace,

Cheri ♥