Still Going Strong

Yesterday Rob completed treatment 5 of 9... and though his blood counts continue to drop slowly, they have held within range of being able to continue with the chemo.  He's strong...  takes a licking and keeps on ticking!

I am thankful that his treatment went smoothly... only one poke, and he slept  --  deep  --  through almost the whole stay yesterday afternoon.  Holly was with us, and Hol and I spent time catching up on things and getting some electronic things done.  Nice and quiet afternoon for the most part.

Rob always wears Jimi or John :)

Rob sleeps a lot after treatment.  And when he's awake, he's usually on the computer.  That's what makes him happy... chatting with friends, listening to and sharing his music and musical knowledge with others.  He spent a lot of years alone, so being surrounded by caring friends has made his life very happy.  He may watch a show or two on TV, but not that often.  His online world keeps him happy and satisfied.

It feels like it's been forever... since Rob was first diagnosed in November of 2012.  I think the stress of all this is taking a bit of a toll on both of us.  I can't even really imagine completely what Rob is going through on the inside.  I can see the drastic physical changes.  I see the distance in his eyes.  I hear the anger in his words to me, though I think it's more than just me that he's mad at so often.  Or it could be just me.  I am perplexing, I've been told.

He doesn't have the strength or stamina any longer that he so freely waved through time.  He naps often.  He suffers head pain constantly.  He says it's a good day if it's an 8 out of 10 now.  And I don't know if it's the cancer or the chemo causing the changes.

I try to stay quiet  --  not enough I guess.  I stay in my sanctuary when I'm home, usually until the wee hours of the morning.  Quilting and creating are gifts from God, gifts of peace to me.  So I do that as often as I can.  And though I am quiet, my mind us usually always swirling with thoughts...  About the past, about the future.  About how to get through each day.  I find smiles in my Nicole, in her babies, in my Riley-boy.  I can sit quietly without any thoughts, too...  just listening to everything.  I can feel my heart beat.  I can be still, but feel like I'm vibrating loose at the same time.  

My shadow, under the chair in my quilt room. ♥

This is why his face is always covered in cat hair

Our copper beta, Samson :)

I have managed to stay well though so many around me have been sick this winter so far.  I think because I wash and sanitize everything methodically and continually, and I'm taking so many vitamins, even to the point of noticing it's too much.  But I need to keep Rob as safe as I can, even if he doesn't want the help.  In sickness and in health... I am trying.

People tell me I'm strong.  I am not strong on my own, but only because God is keeping me upright, keeping me moving, giving me wisdom to do the best I can to be a helpmate to Rob.  To be able to take care of him the best I can.  Even if I am an irritation to him.  I spend a lot of time in God's Word.  To stay grounded.  Otherwise I would be acting on the thoughts of running... far.

Most nights I am awake at some point... sometimes for just a moment, sometimes for hours.  I listen for Rob's breathing, or wait for him to move an arm or leg if I can't hear him sleeping.  I listen to the quiet all around it.  I listen as I breath in and out, too... so thankful that God created these awesome bodies to function when we don't remember to.

Many years ago I heard it said that rather than us taking a breath in, to picture God gently blowing life into us... continually.  I think about that often as I struggle with things in the quiet.  I would be lost without God, without Jesus, in my life.  My inner hurricane is but a soft breeze on the outside.  Because I'm wrapped in prayer, like a cocoon of love and comfort  --  a good and tight and needed forever hug.  And I'm breathing without even trying.

I read a lot by Charles Stanley.  I make notes of things I read that I need to keep reading all the time.   My notes this week so far:

"God uses everything that touches our lives for our good and His glory.  The dark moments of our life last only long enough for Him to accomplish His purpose in us.  God loves us, is with us, has promised to help us, and wants to bless us, forever."

"We need to know how to listen for, and discern God's voice so that we can be certain when it is His hand opening a door."

That is why I am strong, and how I get through these days.  Never on my own.  Ever.

Oh... It's after 1am.  So rather than ramble until the sun reappears, I will say goodnight for now.

I wish you peace, I wish you smiles, I wish you to be surrounded by love.  

You are in my prayers.

In Love and In Peace,

Cheri  ♥

It Continues... Cycle 3, Day 4

Brrrrrrrrr!!!

Hello.

I know, I didn't come back and update after we saw the oncologist last week.  Good reason.  Long story short, we left the office after sitting in a room for 1.5 hours.  Plenty long enough to be harassed by a doctor-wannabe staff member that we have no tolerance for (another long story).  Rob wasn't feeling well, and we were tired of having our time mean nothing as we waited for the doc to come, so we left a note for her with the check-out gal.  Two days later, I had to call to get the answers we were seeking.  I swear, people in some positions of dealing with the public should not be there.  Patients waiting for and needing answers don't feel cared about when nobody calls back.  Arrgh.

The end of last week brought WONDERFUL news...  Sister Bear returned home!  Rob's sister, Holly, aka Sister Bear, moved back here from New York to be near Rob and be support for us both.  I am SO happy!  For those who don't know the "bear" story...  When Rob had his major surgery in January of 2013, I got sorta, kinda, upset with the staff for not doing their job by making Rob get up and about so he would heal faster, and I had to get tough with Rob to want to get better, too.  So I kicked into action, with Holly by my side the whole time.  She called me Mama Bear, and she became Sister Bear.  Neither of us are afraid to growl when it's needed.  I am so happy she is home to be with Rob (and me), and help during the coming days and sit with us during the chemo treatments.  Love you, Hol! :) ♥

So yesterday we arrived at the hospital for chemo #4 in this third cycle, only to be told it had been cancelled by the hospital pharmacist! (Most people are on for 3-4 weeks, then off a week to rest  --  so as per regular protocol, the pharmacist canceled it!  But Rob was NOT scheduled any down time for this cycle).  After much insistence on Rob's part to have them look into it further, and explaining that we have 9 treatments in a row (the last 3 remaining to be scheduled), they realized an error had been made, and were able to get him down to the infusion center, close to on time.  Whew!!! 


Rob started out yesterday with a bit of color back in his face, and was in a rather jovial mood.  By the end of the treatment, that had changed.  But it is expected that he feels better being away from the chemo, and worse being filled with it.  So the next few days will be spent trying to recover again, before going back.  It's a nasty, vicious cycle.  Rob's blood counts continue to drop slowly each week, many below normal (RBC, WBC, hematocrit, hemoglobin, etc.), but still within range to get the chemo.  The day went well, in that he only had one IV and slept through almost the whole treatment.

Puffy from the steroids... :(

This morning I called to schedule the remaining 3 treatments and was told they would all depend on whether his numbers (blood counts) remained good.  I told her I knew that, and that we weren't expecting him to be able to handle all nine, but we feel better knowing they are "on the books" anyways.  One more thing to cross off the list.


It has now been 24 hours on the new, stronger pain med... but Rob said it's not working.  It is taking away the pressurey/flu-like feeling in his head, but not taking away the pain.  He was counting the clock waiting for 4 hours to be gone so he could take more.  Not good.  Darn it.

I spent the days at home this last week with Rob, sewing away the hours while he slept, making a quilt for Nicole and a quilting neck caddy for Izzy.  You see, my sweet baby turned 32, and her sweet baby turned 8... both yesterday.  It was a BLESSED day!  I helped Nicole with a birthday party for Izzy on Sunday afternoon, and the rest of our immediate family joined for a second party for both gals over dinner.  Colie's hubby Mike took a plate of food to Rob, and I brought him home some cake, too.  Little Ben is growing so fast, and developing quite the sense of humor!  Good to be with family. :)

We continue to spend our awake hours trying to teach Riley to leave Gypsy alone... I don't think he'll ever catch on to that.  He's now just over 50 pounds, with more to go.  My little bundle of furry love, little no more. :)
 

Why does he always have cat hair on his face?!?

One of many hiding spots... sort of.

We have been in a deep freeze, and although the first day of Spring is just 30 days away, I think we're going to have lots more cold before it's over.  Poor Riley...  I take him out to do his business in the morning, and in less than a minute, he is picking his feet up one at a time looking at me like, "Mom!!!  It's too cold out here for my little feet!!!"  I have to pep-talk him into running for the door, as he's too heavy for me to pick up and carry anymore!
 

Just plain "Brrrrrrrrr." :/

~~~~~~~~~

Stay warm, keep smiling, help where you can, and please, keep praying for those who need your prayers.  They are so important... we can testify to that over and over again. 

Just this past weekend, my son-in-law Mike's sister, Ashleigh, and her 5-year-old niece, Autumn, were in a roll-over crash on highway 10 near Midland on their way to Mike and Nicole's for the birthday celebration.  The vehicle was totaled, Autumn walked away fine, Ash with some cuts and scrapes and a sore body.  BUT ALIVE.  They were protected, wrapped in prayer for traveling mercies.  Praise God! ♥ 
 
 

Early 2012

We are so thankful that you are so faithful in your prayers for us.  We know this has been going on a long time... nobody knows that more than we do.  Rob was first diagnosed with cancer in November of 2012.  And the fact that the cancer returned, and that we can just go day by day doesn't make it any easier.  

HOWEVER... your prayers give us strength, and that strength builds our faith, and that faith gives us breath and life to go another day.

And we are so thankful for you doing this for us.

God bless you all. ♥
 

In our living room...
♥

I will be back next week with another update, unless something changes in between.

Peace - Love - Dove (dark) :)

In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥ :)  

  

Cycle 3, Treatment 3 of 9

It's just after 1:30am, and I find myself burning that ol' midnight oil once again.  Sometimes the mind will not shut down...  My head has to weigh a lot with all that's going on up there!

Today we went to the hospital for Rob's third chemo treatment in this third cycle.  There have been some very noticeable changes in Rob since last week... being noticed by more than just me now.  I look at him some days when he's sleeping, and for an instant, my breath stops, then I tell myself to breathe again, and I walk away quietly so as not to disturb him.  I am always checking for that rhythmic movement... can't help it.  His color is gone... he referred to himself as Casper earlier this evening.

Let's start with yesterday...

I was out shopping with Nicole after church and received a call from my friend and former co-worker, sadly sharing that my former manager's son, Matthew  --  age 9  --  passed away after fighting a brave and valiant battle with the nasty C monster.  Even typing this, I am in tears...  Too young to be silenced from this world.  So many hopes and dreams were quietly ended.  But at the same time, we rejoice that Matthew is in the arms of Jesus now... no more pain or struggles.  And though he left behind tears and heartache, in time, sweet memories will return to all who loved him.  (I am so sorry, Maher...)

I was planning on attending the funeral service this morning before coming back to get Rob for his chemo, but Rob slipped on ice outside last night as he took Riley out before bedtime... Just a freak area of ice that formed from the dropping temps.  He held tight to Riley, and used his hand to break his fall. 
(Any injury is very dangerous at this point, because all of Rob's red counts are so below normal, that he can easily bleed out from any injury.  They don't even want him shaving while undergoing his treatments.)  
Long story short (sort of), he cut his left palm and that 1/2 inch slice bled for nearly two hours... not bad bleeding, but it wouldn't coagulate as normal.  Thankfully he didn't hit his head, but slammed down hard on his hip.  I was afraid to leave him this morning for fear of any internal bleeding from the fall, so I stayed and watched him, hopefully without being too obvious.  He is much better today.  Mostly a bruised ego.  :)

Today's chemo was as expected... all red counts, as well as his WBC count are still (and again) below normal levels, and those darn granulocytes are going up again  --  it means that there's some activity in his marrow that shouldn't be there.  But it's being watched.  Rob was still okay to get his chemo treatment, and thankfully slept through most of it.  The IV had to be changed mid-treatment, because his vein was getting really irritated, and our nurse, Julie, didn't want to try putting the Taxol in that same area.

We never turn the television on in the room, but rather revel in the quietness.  Rob is usually sleeping within an hour or so, and sleeps until we leave.  Our stay is anywhere from 3.5 - 5 hours.  Today I brought a book I've been reading forever, and all my small piles to condense into one that I can work from.  I brought a small portion of a new quilting project, but I can't say too much about it because it's for my daughter's birthday on Monday, and she reads this!  I also finished up a smaller project for my oldest Granddaughter, Izzy.  She is blessed to share the same birthday with her Mommy. :)

I worked on them both most of this evening, and will spend most of tomorrow doing the same.  I always panic that I won't finish in time, but it usually works out okay.

The line was short at the in-hospital Starbucks, so we got our weekly chemo treat... and then when we get home Riley usually gets a Jumbone for staying so good in his kennel while we're away.  However, tonight I was so busy I forgot to give him that special treat.  Fortunately for him I had left his "big boy bone" out the entire day... (HUGE rawhide bone).  That bone is usually reserved as his early morning treat, to keep him busy and out of the tub while I shower.  Hey, it works. ;)

~~~~~~~~~
 
Rob was quiet for most of the day.  Not much joking or smiling, sometimes he didn't even answer me when I talked to him.  Not sure if he doesn't hear me, or if he just doesn't want to take the effort to answer.  He is tired, has never-ending head pains, no color, and some days he is just there on the outside, if you know what I mean.  His eyes are vacant at half-mast.  He handles things much better than I would be able to, though... quiet or not.  He's fighting hard and staying positive, and still sharing corny jokes when he's up to it.  I laugh even if only he understands the humor. :) 

We will see Rob's oncologist tomorrow afternoon (Tuesday), I think just to check in (we're scheduled every three weeks in this new cycle).  I feel like screaming at her, "Look what you are doing to him!!!"  But I won't.  On the outside.  Arrgh.

I am going to ask about a stronger pain med, as what he has isn't doing the trick.  Rob got up between 8-9pm, we had dinner, he watched a bit of television as I worked away in my sanctuary, and he has gone to bed for the night.  I guess I should wrap things up and try to get some sleep, as I know Riley and Gypsy will start pestering me to get up around 5:30a... those beautiful, crazy pets.  Hopefully I'll be in bed by 2am or so, then I'll read a bit more.  It's a good book.

~~~~~~~~~

Please don't waste away days or put things off or think there's always time to do what you know you should be doing.  
Because our sense of tomorrows don't always come.  

And regrets are poison to your soul.  I've had a few...♥

Embrace the new day as the blessing it is...

Thank you for your continuing prayers and love and kind words and support in all ways.  I don't think you will ever know how you've blessed our lives.

I will update quickly with news from the oncologist tomorrow, with anything that needs to be shared.

Good night, and God bless you real good.

In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥

Lots to Fill In...

Hello again.

I'm never quite sure where to start, and I don't usually have plans when I sign in here...  I just let it all flow out.  My quiet mixed up therapy.

Quick update on the emergency room visit last Thursday for our friends and family who aren't on facebook...
 

Last Monday we started the third chemo cycle trying to beat this ugly monster growing inside of Rob.  The treatment hit him pretty hard.  By Wednesday morning before I went to work, he said he was doing okay, and I should go.  When I walked in the door at the end of the day, he was in agony, head pain worse than he's had before, and he said he felt awful  --  all starting just after noon.  By late that evening, his temp was 102.8, but he didn't want me to call his doc yet (although on chemo, anything over 100.5 is supposed to be called in).  He took a couple of Tylemol 3's hoping it would help the fever.  I told him we'd check it first thing in the morning.  We did.  It was 103.3.

Yes, we spent a good part of Thursday in the emergency room while they ran a myriad of tests including blood and urine cultures (which are still not back yet today).  They really don't know what caused the spike in temp, but put him on an antibiotic, and after another day and a half, the fever broke, and he's feeling better from this whole event.


Back to now...
 
Today we went in for the second chemo treatment in this third cycle.  They did not do bloodwork again since he had it run in the ER on Thursday (which I was a little upset about, because we try to keep a close eye on the numbers ourselves).  But we're having faith that they know what they're doing.

As of last Thursday, all of his red counts were below normal, including the platelets, which fell quite a bit below normal.  His WBC count had gone up a little bit, but his body was working desperately to put out the fire from the raised temp.  Arrgh.  So we'll wait for next Monday's treatment to see where his numbers really are with the chemo.

Rob, as usual, slept through most of the hard stuff today at the infusion center which is good.  I was working on my quilting still, and am happy that I actually finished the handquilting on these projects I started in 2012 when Nicole went for her brain surgery.  Now I just have to trim and bind all four, and I'm on to the other million ideas in my head.

A couple of times while I was quilting, all of a sudden I couldn't hear Rob's breathing, and my eyes shot to his chest immediately to see if he was breathing.  You know, I think I am handling everything like this strong statue of a person, and in a nano-second, I am a mess...  heart beating crazy, adrenaline rushing through my veins, short of breath... crazy.  But it's at these moments, I feel the hand of Christ on me, and I am at peace again.  Real peace.

Your prayers are in His hand.  I breath easier because of all of you. ♥

We arrived back home late this afternoon, traveling on STILL snow-covered and slippery roads from yesterday's storm.  Sheesh... we left at noon and the main roads had not even been plowed or salted.  We had a LOT of snow... some areas are several feet deep from the winds.  And crazy cold.

I bought a shovel and keep it in the car.  Even though our parking spot is covered, the snow still blows in all around our car, and I have to dig it out.  So I did that early this morning.  The single Mom that parks next to us had already left, so I shoveled out her spot, too.  Then I did around the car on the other side of us, belonging to a lovely woman who I always see alone.  She works nights.

While I was shoveling, I spoke with another nice lady who was out walking her dog.  We always see each other, but stay apart because of our dogs trying to do their business.  I shoveled in front of her car and on the side so she could get in to run up to the store.  And then something awesome happened...  we took the time to know each other.

She lives alone with her little puppy dog.  Eleven years ago she lost her two-year old daughter, her only child, in a car accident.  I am crying again as I write this.  We shared tears, we shared hugs, we shared dreams of the future, and we will be praying for each other.  After she drove away, I finished shoveling out her spot completely, too.   

We need to take the time to know people again, especially our neighbors.  The busyness of life is destroying our compassion.  Everyone has a story.  Everyone can use some help.  And we all need hugs.

~~~~~~~~~

I am sitting in my quilt room (sanctuary), listening to music as Rob sleeps just a room away.  I went in and checked on him.  He is very ashen, very white.  Scary white.  I hate what that poison does to him.  Yes, I always check his chest, make sure I see it moving.  Fear?  Probably.  

I don't want all of this to be real.

Rob will be up around 8pm or 9pm for a bit, and I'll make him something to eat.  Then he'll sleep again.  He still has horrible headaches, but not as bad as last Wednesday.  He said that was a really, REALLY bad one.

Before we left today, I had to call my company's leave department to report time I had to take last week.  The gal there felt it was important to go over the details of my leave, which left me in stressy-tears, digging through paperwork and forms and files, etc.  Nicole (my daughter) had me call her hubby, Michael.  He knows a lot about this all  --  due to Nicole's brain and spinal surgeries, and the complications she lives with daily.  He told me what was right and what was wrong, but the best thing he always does for me, is put me back on my feet, walking one step at a time.  

I tend to try to handle all that "might be" along with all that "is".  Mike told me just to handle one day at a time, because everything is okay right now, and I don't know what the future holds.  Just today.  Just today.  Mike is not only a blessing to my daughter, to his children, to all who know him...  he is a blessing to me.  I love you, Michael... for loving my daughter, for loving me, for being so level headed, and most of all, for loving Jesus with all your heart and soul, and for not being afraid to let everyone know that. ♥

~~~~~~~~~

Earlier this week... :)

Rob and I were talking with the gal at registration today.  She still remembers us from when we came for the first chemo treatment in 2013.  She said I was very protective of Rob, like a Mama bird watching over her young.  We all smiled. :)  Then we helped some newbies find there way back to what's become our second home in the short-stay unit and wished them the best.  Next week we'll do it all again.

Tomorrow Rob will be sleeping quite a bit in between his music and cyber chats with his ol' buddies.  I'll run through the yard to give my granddaughters their next handquilting lesson.  Ally, the 5-year-old, wants to learn to make jewelry, too.  Izzy, the almost 8-year-old, is doing so great on her handwork.  I am so proud of them!  Then I'll be back home here working in my quiet place, making sure Rob's doing okay.

So until next week, we wish you all well.  We pray you have strength and healing, warmth and food, and all that you need.  We pray that these days of being busy don't pull you away from being who God created you to be.  Success is nice in the business world, but successful living has nothing really to do with careers or money.

It's a heart issue.  

One I'm trying to work on.  I want to be remembered for how I was able to help, even if just in a small way.  I want to make a difference for good. ♥

Quick Riley note:

He has developed the "Zoomies" lately.  He tears around this two-bedroom apartment with ears and tail tucked, as fast as his little legs can go, bouncing off walls and furniture, over and over again.  I read in one of my dog books that we need to just enjoy this time, as it will end around 8 months or so, then all we'll have is memories of it.  

And it does make us laugh and smile.  I think that's why he does it.  *wink* :)

Rob and I continue to be humbled by your love and prayers, and want you to know that we pray for you all every day, too.






In Love and Peace,

Cheri ♥