The beginning was so long ago now.
It's hard to believe it's been over six months since I've really written anything down. I write in my head all the time... but haven't found those quiet moments to actually get it out.
It is freezing and snowy and icy outside, though the howling winds and swirls of clustered flakes have stilled. So pretty in the night hours...
Life has been busy and still, if that's even possible. I feel like I spend time on the outside looking in. Into my life. Our life. Lost out there a lot in that space between breathing and suffocating. But I find my way back now and again.
Rob has been on a "chemo holiday" for quite some time now. At the last check, the cancer was still there, but the chemo was putting him into liver failure, so his docs put a stop to it, and worked on the liver for awhile.
We went in to see Rob's surgeon in late Autumn and he was very happy to see Rob. He said he would check up on us to see how Rob was now and then when he didn't see us. He's a good and caring man, kind, compassionate... he talks openly and clearly, never rushes us, will sit and draw me pictures to explain things so I understand clearly. He has made this pathway we're on better, and we are grateful for him.
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| July 2015 |
He told us that Rob has made it longer than he had expected, and we all rejoiced over that. :) Rob is like the EverReady Bunny... takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'. Very cool. :)
Rob still wakes up in bad pain and takes meds every day to help him tolerate that, he still naps long and often, and enjoys just being home -- discussing the day's current news and the past with his cyber friends that give him strength and reason. He enjoys his funnies and his music, and all is good.
There have been days on and off when Rob had aches and pains and changes when I tried to convince him that we should go see someone, but he said, "No." I am not going to fight him. I just say, "Okay." Times of anger and confusion, but also times of silly jokes and smiles. I spend a lot of time hidden away in my Quilt room, with lots of plans and ideas, but I fall asleep more than I accomplish things.
Rob doesn't like me to share pictures much anymore. Maybe someday he will let me do that again. If you saw pictures from early last year when he was undergoing second-round chemo -- just before they pulled him off of it -- you would have shared in my tears. I thought for sure we were going to lose him. But God had other plans... He wasn't done with Rob yet. *smile*
It's been nice not rushing from one doctor and/or treatment to another, week after week. This "chemo holiday" has been a blessing in disguise for our mental states. Toward the end of January things will start to change for us again...
Rob will be seeing the liver specialist to see how his liver has been affected by treatment, and then he'll be getting bloodwork a couple of times in early February. On February 22nd, as long as all is okay, he will have the CT's redone on his chest, abdomen, and pelvis to check on the C monster. We will see his surgeon the following week for the results, and his oncologist the next day for her take on everything. The rest of the year will depend on what we see on paper and hear in their offices. We will be patient and wait.
All this uncertainty with the over-hanging certainty has been heavy to carry for all of us, so being able to pretend for a few months that we were living a pretty normal life has been nice. Now it's getting closer to being in view again, and we aren't quite done vacationing yet, such as it is. But we are strong, and we are lifted in your prayers, and confident that God has this all under control.
Other updates of note...
* My daughter, who many of you know has Chiari and the myriad of medical conditions associated with it, passed out while camping with her family in mid summer, and ended up with a concussion. This caused many of her symptoms to worsen and she has had so many days filled with excruciating pain and dizziness... And was later diagnosed with post-concussion syndrome, the effects lasting a year or so. My heart breaks for all she has gone through, and continues to go through. But she is strong, and she is a Warrior, and she is faith-filled and on fired for Christ, and she won't let Chiari take away her daily life, so she pushes on. I am so proud of her, so inspired by her, so blessed by her. And I am so thankful that God chose me to be her Mother, because I've come to know most about who He is through her. ♥
* Then there's me.
I am not a big doctor fan ever since the car accident in 1989 in West Bloomfield. I got real tired of being shuffled from doctor to doctor as they poked and prodded and tried to unscramble me. I believe this accident is what made Nicole's Chiari more pronounced, and left me with a closed head injury and two years of retraining therapy to function normally. I deal with it everyday still, though others around me don't notice so much. They just think I'm quiet sometimes, not realizing I'm trying to figure things out by pulling the right memory files from the right drawers. Doesn't always work. Mostly, though, it does.
In November I had a quick surgical procedure that has turned me into a bionic woman of sorts, as a handful of white coats try to figure out why my heart wants to pause for way too long at times, to the point of blacking out. And on top of that, the incision has still not completely healed, and slowly leaks, 6 or so weeks since having it done. They've put me on a couple of strong meds to no avail, and can't figure it out.
I think they are tears escaping from a broken heart, but what do I know.
*Thanksgiving was filled with family and food and fellowship. We pray yours was, too! Christmas was quiet and relaxing, and filled with comfort and joy. The New Year came in quickly and peacefully, and my Grandbabies got to experience banging pots and pans outside as my baby did, as I did. Traditions!
I am not one for resolutions, but I made a list of things I would like to accomplish: Less TV, more Bible and prayer time, less busyness, more church, less spending, more saving, less cyber world, more real world, less Dove Dark, more healthy foods, more walking, more nature, more quiet, more art. This is really my "Need" list.~~~~~~~~~
Rob and I, as well as the rest of my family, thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your care and concern for all of us. We thank you for lifting us in prayer, because we can attest over and over to being lifted out of the muck and mire and being carried to safe places by your prayers.
Days can be overwhelming if we're only looking at our days.
But this time that we are in is such a brief moment in view of eternity. It helps to put things into perspective to know that God will work all things for good for those who believe in His Kingdom, in His Son. And we do.
So these days, these valleys, these hurdles and setbacks... we can handle it all because we're not walking alone. And that gives us strength, and power. And a peace beyond all understanding.
And we're good with that. :)
In Peace and in Love,
Cheri ♥
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