Last Blog for My Robert ♥

I awoke early and opened the blinds.  I sat and looked out at the largest, most magnificent white pine in our yard.  The wind was blowing and the sun was shining, and the pine needles were dancing on the branches as they swayed to the music of the breeze.  Awesome sight.  Thank you, God.  Big smiles.

I didn't realize until now that I never updated the blog when Rob left this world for a much better place.  I shared a few posts on my page, but was a bit distracted.  This will be my last Rob blog.  I may still write on my own blog here and there.  Words just build up inside and sooner or later I have to set them free.  Lots of pics and words...

It has been just over two months now since Rob went home.  Well, 70 days to be exact.  It seems like a million years ago.  And yesterday.

A Bit of Background...

Rob and I dated in high school in my junior/senior years.  We went through some bad times, and I left.  Rob searched for me for over 33 years, and his best friend Jim found me on Classmates in late 2009 when my life had unraveled.  I told him I was happy he was well and that I didn't have any good thoughts about him...  (I had been in a bad auto accident in 1989 and ended up with a closed head injury, and had forgotten many details from my past, let alone trying to remember new things.)  Well, a few months later, I wrote and apologized for sounding so harsh and he was so cordial and polite.  After being told by professionals after two years of memory retraining therapy that I would most likely not gain any more memories back, Rob helped me to do just that.  He was patient and kind and loving and explained things to me in detail... and I remembered a lot!  He continued helping me.  And he opened up his home to me, no questions asked, so I had someplace to go.  And for that I am forever grateful to him.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I moved from up north where I had lived for 17-18 years to downtown Royal Oak, MI in mid-2010.  Rob and I were married in July of 2011, he was diagnosed with terminal stage IV aggressive metastasized bladder cancer in 2012, 2nd and most drastic surgery in January of 2013, and our life with cancer began...  It was long and painful and scary and tiring, but Rob wouldn't let it steal away his sense of humor or his love of music or Facebook.  He went through quite a time of anger, understandably, and that was tough.  But who could blame him?

December 2018 - January 2019

For those who don't know, Rob came home from almost a month stay at Beaumont Hospital, on December 24th with in-home Hospice care.  The cancer was taking over, treatments weren't helping, and he was getting tired of the effects... though he never really gave in to the disease.  He rather learned how to live with it, then he decided when he was done.  He wanted to go home.  He wasn't scared to go, just looking forward to the new body awaiting him in Heaven.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 The Hospice workers were awesome, but for some reason I expected them to be with me to help all the time.  The nurse came 2 times a week for about an hour, or more if we needed her.  I could call any time.  There was a personal care aid once a week, and a social worker for all of us.  Rob's sister, and my angel, Holly moved in right away with me, and it was mainly on us.  We set up a schedule after a few days on who would get up when for med doses, so we could at least each get 2-4 hours sleep at a time.  We were exhausted, in tears, and leaning so much on each other.  Thank you Jesus for the love and support of family.

Rob declined rather quickly.  Some days he was totally with us, most times not.  He lost so much weight it scared me.  I look at pictures now toward the end and I tear up at the site of this big, handsome man who used to wrap me in his arms to keep me safe.  

We had a beautiful picture on the bedroom wall of a dock going out into a peaceful still lake, surrounded by woods and hills.  Our favorite nurse Sarah told Rob when some fear first hit him about dying, that it was like he was walking out on the dock, getting into a boat, and floating out on the waters.  He would hear us call to him, and he would come back to the dock.  But she told him that he may start wanting to just stay out in the peaceful waters longer, and not come back to the dock so soon.  And at some point, he would hear us calling, but the peace would be calling him stronger, and he wouldn't want to come back.  It was very calming for him.

Pastor Cal came to visit on several occasions and they spoke about life and things to come.  They were blessed times for Rob.

And any time Mike, Colie and the children could come, Rob just lite up like a Christmas tree!  The love between them was mutual.  And Rob was so happy to have his sister Holly with us every day, and his brother Stu would come often to visit, too.  We all helped each other to keep going.  It was emotionally and physically demanding and draining.


I remember saying to Rob on New Year's Day, "You made it to 2019!"  He said, "How about dat?!?"  I can hear his voice there.  Big smile.

On January 4th when Sarah came, she could not even get a blood pressure reading on Rob, and we were told it may be just hours before he left us.  I ran back to him and told him I loved him and to please come back, then ran back to Sarah in tears and remember saying through sobs, "I really am not as strong as everyone thinks I am!"  I was ready to crumble.  Rob was mostly unaware of things going on.  He would fade away and then briefly respond to us, then back off onto the lake again.  We were trying our best to keep him comfortable and pain free.


At 4:15am the next morning, Rob called out to us, and Holly and I came running.  To everyone's astonishment, he was Rob again!  Strong, coherent, on the ball... we all talked for about 4-5 hours.  Rob and I were able to apologize for the stress we had taken out on each other since the cancer monster entered our lives 6.5 years prior.  It was hard.  But what a beautiful gift it was for all of us!  We talked and laughed, I laid next to him and he hugged me tight and wouldn't let go.  It felt so good.

Then he looked at me very seriously and said, "I want you to go on, Cher... I want you to find someone again who loves you...promise me when the time is right you will do this for me."  I told him there was nobody like him and I didn't even want to think about it.  He said, "I mean it, Cher."  I hugged him tight.  By 9:30am or so, he started to drift away again.  He would stare off into the corner ceiling of the room, wouldn't talk much at all, didn't want to respond more than a word of two when it was time for meds.

On January 16th, 36 years and a day after my father passed, I went in at 11am to give Rob his meds.  He smiled and took them, and I said, "Rest for a bit and I'll be back in an hour for the next meds."  He smiled in his kindest way, and said, "I love you, Cher."  And I said, "Always and Forever."  Both of us had big happy smiles, and I squeezed his foot as I walked out.  At noon, he wouldn't wake up for his meds.  I yelled for Holly and by this time I was screaming in tears, "Rob!  Wake up, Baby!!!  Please, Rob, wake up!  Look at me!"  He was out on the water and he didn't want to come back.  Holly called Sarah, and she was on her way.  I laid next to Rob and cried and hugged him.  Then I got up and had Holly lay with him and love her little brother.

Sarah arrived at a little after 1pm... Rob waited for her.  They got along great, loved joking with each other all the time. She was straight with him about everything, and he appreciated that.  Rob was surrounded by Holly and brother Stu, my sister Carol, myself, and Sarah.  At 1:30p I looked at Sarah, and with tears in her eyes she quietly said, "He's gone."

So the sickness that robbed our life of many things, and taught us many things, was suddenly over.  Holly stayed another couple of nights, and then life was changed forever.  Life was painfully quiet.

My Now...

This may sound strange unless you've been there, but about three weeks after Rob left, all of a sudden one day I realized he wasn't coming home.  In reality I knew he was gone, but all of a sudden it was forever real.

I miss him terribly.  I miss his presence.  His hugs.  His unending love for me.  His silly jokes and constant sense of humor, through all the worst of times.  His big, deep booming voice, his love of music and musicians and bands.  I just really miss him.  My daughter and her family took it very hard, too.  Rob was a very lovable person to everyone that met him.

We had a beautiful, small family memorial service where my son (in law) Michael put together an awesome montage of music and hundreds of photos of Rob and all of us together.  Here is a link if you want to see it: 
 
https://www.facebook.com/cheri.wee.glass/videos/10218607473962857/

I thought I would hold it together, but I couldn't stop the sobs that burst from my broken heart.  One of the songs on the video was "Reckless Love" by Cory Asbury... Rob was listening to the Christian station in his room in early January and heard this song for the first time.  He said, "Cher, do you know this song?  This is beautiful!  Listen to the words!"  He also shared with Pastor Cal and everyone who would listen, "I never knew how easy it was to become a follower of Jesus... All you have to do is ask."  

Yes, and I am so thankful that he asked that question back on Easter morning in 2011.  He loved Jesus, loved church and our church family, and now is loving being in his Father's presence.  God is waiting for you just to ask Him. ♥

After Rob passed, I had enough to pay for another months rent at our apartment of nearly 6 years.  I donated and gave away most of my belongings, and moved in with gracious and loving family who gave up a portion of their home for me to have a quiet place of my own for as long as I need.  I have a home within a loving home.

I quit my job, because, well... I am kind of an emotional mess most days.  I can barely function around people, and just need to be alone and quiet most of the time.  Depression is trying to drag me down, but I'm fighting.
Our cat, Gypsy, left us last week, too, at the age of 14.  She and Rob were inseparable, and I am surprised she even stayed with the dog and I after Rob's passing.  So it's me and my crazy Riley-boy now.

I have had so many changes so fast, and I just don't know what to do with myself most days.  I have been working full time and being a 24-hour caregiver for so long, that it's hard finding my purpose right now in the confusion.  My daughter tells me that I need to just take some time to heal, to do nothing, to sleep and read and talk to God.  My son-in-law tells me to rest in Jesus' arms, and to let God romance me and calm me and fill me with His peace for awhile.  They say I don't need to be busy or have all the answers right now, because I am, well, pretty much a mess.  

It's okay.  Part of it is normal for me. :)

I have been going to a grief support group recommended to me by the bereavement team of our Hospice family.  It's at the River Church in Holly, and I am loving it and learning from the class and the others who have suffered loss.  It has been good for my soul.  Heart and soul.  I love these people already.

I am heading back up north to stay with my brother for a while.  I have missed him so much since I moved away... we had Sunday dinners together every week!  So we will spend some needed time together, bumming around, driving the local country roads for treasures.  I am looking forward to long walks in the deep woods, and walks along Lake Huron's shoreline.  Nothing quite like the crashing of the waves and the wind in my hair to bring me back to me.

I am lost.  I am fragile.  I am quiet.  But I am strong.  With God's help and direction, I will get back on my feet again.  I have lots of life yet to live, God willing, and am hoping if it's God's will, with Rob's urging and blessings, to find another person who loves Jesus and church and worship and family.  And me.

I heard this song again not too long ago and it seems, for the most part, very fitting except for the "weakling" part... that was never a part of my Rob.

Dave Matthews Band... "Baby"
https://youtu.be/bLJm-92MyFU


Final Words, for now...

Well, I had to give away the dock picture because it just made me sad everyday, even though it was so peaceful.  I look at pictures of Rob and I feel like I am forgetting him and it terrifies me.  I read some of the messages we shared though, and I can still hear his voice, and it helps.  Tears flow often.

Thank you all for following our journey through the mountains and valleys, and sharing in our laughter and happy times, too.  Your prayers kept us lifted above the hurt and sad and pain all the way.  Don't ever think your prayers don't matter, because every single one does.  God hears them all, and He loves you.  And He loves you loving others.  God bless you all real good.


I will learn to be a ship in a bottle, and set sail....


Forever grateful and blessed, in overwhelming peace and love,

Cheri ♥