Just Waiting...

Yes, the waiting game continues...

You would think we would be getting impatient with all the waiting in between tests and appointments, and pokes and prods.  But we've come to savor the time.  Time.  Everything is revolving around time...  realizing how much of it we've wasted, how much we've taken for granted, how much we didn't breathe in all of it for what it was.  In reality, you never think it's going to change.  Sometimes it doesn't.  But sometimes it does.

Rob went in to Beaumont last Thursday for a body scan to see if there is any noticeable cancer that has spread, and also to have a pre-chemo baseline hearing test.  We'll get the results on Tuesday when we meet with his oncologist again.

We arrived for the scan first, and they gave Rob two large glasses of water to drink.  He took the first swig and said that it tasted really strange, and he thought they gave him the wrong cups to drink.  So I tasted some of it, too.  Blah!  Well, I shared in his intial drinking of the "contrast" for the scan... not good!  Oh well, so I glowed for a bit. ;)  They ended up giving him dye through an IV, too.  There was a long wait, but the scan itself was amazingly quick.

The hearing test revealed that some of the high-end sounds have already disappeared for Rob.  He tried to attribute it to age, but the audiologist had a long, drawn out, "Welllllllllll......." and told him not to listen to his music quite so loud!  I had mentioned before that one of the chemo drugs has the capacity to take away his hearing, and it will not return or be helped by hearing aids.  This is really upsetting to Rob, as he loves his music so.  She told him that while he is undergoing chemo, that he is not to wear headphones at all.  Nothing that will funnel the sound directly into his ears.  Neither of us knew that about chemo before.  We are still learning.

We have had to apply for all types of help in paying for the medical bills: past, present and future... as well as ongoing supply costs.  It is really humbling.  There were several days where I was in tears on the phone, not feeling able to find the strength to jump through all these hoops.  But both Rob and my daughter, Nicole, helped ground me, and they had me take a few steps back, and do one thing at a time.  Everything is filled out, all t's crossed and all i's dotted.  It's out of our hands for now.

Having to fill out the SSA adult disability forms (needed to be done in order to continue on with other organizations trying to help us) was heartbreaking.  Rob was laying on the bed as I read the questions to him that we had to answer.  One question was in regards to knowing that this cancer will eventually end in death.  That was a hard one to swallow.  And even though that thought is in our heads, we didn't want to have to stop the thought long enough to actually let it sink in.  But it did.  And it hurt.

Rob is quiet a lot now.  He sleeps quite often throughout the day and after exerting himself at all (like showering).  I was going to say that he's having small passages of anger, but it's not really anger.  It's more like frustrated reality.  He is fully surrounded and being lifted by your prayers, as he continues to smile and joke, and enjoy his music.  He wouldn't be able to do any of those things on his own right now.  So I thank you for giving him that strength and inner peace.

I am returning to work this coming week, and the thought of being away is very hard.  I just want to be with him all the time, to make sure he's okay, to make sure he has what he needs.  But I won't be far, and I won't be gone too long.  And we'll keep checking in on each other for sure.    

We will find out much more on Tuesday... more of what life is going to be like for the near future.  And regardless of what we hear, it's going to be okay because we're going to be together, and we're going to keep fighting this crazy war we're stuck in... one day at a time.

Please let your prayers surround Rob like armor, to keep him both strong and protected for the days and weeks and months to come while he dines on chemo cocktails and meds to counteract them.  Pray that he is heartier than the cancer, and that is body is free of that menacing monster.  Pray that his sense of humor remains intact, and that he never loses his smile.  Please, just continue to pray for him.

I will update after our visit on Tuesday.  Until then, please enjoy every minute of your time.  Look around you and see the beauty that life brings your way, even in the smallest of things.  

And be the blessing that you are.

In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥