Not According to Plan

Well, things have not gone exactly according to plan with the start of Rob's 5th cycle of chemo.

He was scheduled for three weeks on, one week off for 4-6 months, starting in September.   Rob's beginning blood work was already showing low red blood count levels in several areas before the chemo even started, but we got an "all clear" to get started.  The first three weeks ran rather smoothly... he seemed to feel the side effects much quicker this time, though.  The really bad headaches have returned, and the much slower jump in his step. 

Then things started to really change.

Rob started to run a fever, bouncing between 101-102.6 degrees.  We were trying to keep an eye on it, and his oncologist, Dr. B, was in high gear wanting to figure out what was happening.  A few days later, Rob came up to me in the evening and said, "Listen..." as he exhaled and we heard "gurgling" sounds of liquid in his lungs.  So we packed up and headed for the ER.

It was a busy ER night... I even had to park in the overflow lot.  But within 5 minutes they had Rob in the back, surrounded by 6-7 doctors poking, prodding, questioning...  it was awesome!!!  (I love Beaumont!)  They don't mess around with chemo patients, especially when it turns out to be pneumonia.  So Rob was admitted and had a 3-day stay as they ran a myriad of tests on him.  They pumped him full of IV antibiotics (the "big guns" as they referred to them), and sent him home with another 7 days worth of pills.  

However, the fever continued to come and go.  So we were then sent from Dr. B, who cancelled Rob's chemo last week, to an infectious disease specialist.  And it seems after all this running and testing and expense, we still don't have a definitive answer.  But at the present time, the fevers are at bay, and he was finally able to resume chemo this past Monday.  We're awaiting a few follow up tests still... impatiently.

I gave Rob a haircut at the hospital so he would no longer resemble a mad scientist... his hair had grown pretty long during his chemo vacation!  We're seeing less and less of the hair once again, but we expected that.

Rob will have chemo again next week (hopefully), see Dr. B the following week, then we'll resume the 3-on-1-off routine, God willing and the creek don't rise. 

Rob is, as always, in good spirits, and loves sharing his time and talents with his musical and film-loving mates in the cyber world.  Glad he's got that to keep him happy.  Plus, we discovered several new channels on cable filled with the old TV shows and old movies he loves so much.  The past fills his present with good. :)

Me?  I have been working lots and running lots and making phone calls lots...  Lots of lots.  I'm so tired.  I sit down at home after work to get things done, and continue to fall asleep in an instant.  Ink trails on anything paper-related are a norm nowadays.  

I had the cardiac loop recorder removed from my chest wall in September so I wouldn't have that added expense after the first of the year and new insurance deductibles.  I was told what to watch for, and other than having a few little "runs" of beats, I'm cool. :)  Glad to be done with that.

Stresses at work continue, but I imagine it's like that for all of us that have to be out there where we don't fit.  It will all work out.  I am making sure to get to church every Sunday morning, and to a new women's Bible study on Thursdays which I love, and another study on Sunday evenings that I love, too.  People are always asking me where I get my strength from...  I just point up and smile.

It's funny, this life we're in.  I have a lot of quiet time at home.  I stay to myself in my sanctuary filled with pictures and fabrics and ideas and peace and piles.  I talk with God quite often.  I ask Him how I got here, and why I'm here, and what it is I'm supposed to be learning through these years I'm in.

Sometimes I hear Him in my heart.  He spends a lot of time there, because He has to keep putting it back together for me.  I'm hearing Him tell me that things will all be good, but in His time, not in mine.  And that He's working out all the details.  And in the meantime, He's just going to keep holding me and guiding me, and telling me that I am strong and loved and worth it, regardless of how I feel some days.  He lets me whine and complain ever so quietly as tears roll down my face out of the deep, and let's me question the heartache and dashed hopes and dreams until I'm empty.  Then He fills me with His love and peace and truth through His Word, through sermons, through studies, and in my heart.

And I'm strong enough for another day, energized for whatever mountain lies ahead that needs climbing, or branches that need pruning, or fires that need to be extinguished for good.  He fills me with hope and peace that I can pass on, and gives me a heart for listening and caring.

My someday will come.  It's being planned by the Almighty Himself.  How awesome is that?!?

In the meantime, I am hoping to get in a few peace-filled drives in the country to see the colors He's painted in the trees during this favorite season of mine.  I am loving the cooler temps, especially at night.  Wishing I had a place to go walking safely under the stars when I'm up in the wee hours... but in my mind will do for now.

I will be back to update as things progress, and will be praying for each and every one of you that reads these rambling words of mine.  

And thanking you so very much for the prayers that give my days light.

In Love and in Peace,


Cheri ♥



*Some photos are ours... some free art online.  Enjoy them all. :)

"Finnegan, Begin Again" -- Cycle 5...

Well, we knew this day would jump out at us, the monster that it is.

We went to see Rob's oncologist (Dr. B) this morning after having another CT done earlier this month.

Rob will be starting Cycle 5 of chemo treatments starting next week, for 4-6 months (3 weeks on chemo, 1 week off each month).  On the off weeks, we will be checking in with Dr. B. 

If you remember, his chemo was stopped abruptly in late Spring of 2015 because his liver was about to shut down.  His liver numbers are much better now.  
So on we go.

Rob has had quite a nice chemo vacation since then, not having to constantly be poked and prodded and zapped and poisoned.  Though the head pain, confusion, and personality changes have remained, at least he's been home and able to rest when he needed to.  We are praying that he is strong enough to handle the chemo again for as long as he can.  We are armed with the Sword and the Word and the Son and your prayers... we can do nothing more.

Dr. B's main concerns for wanting to start as soon as possible this time:

1.  The cancer has "multiple increases" as she put it

2.  There is now evidence of thickening (stranding).

3.  Enlarged lymph nodes are causing pain when touched.

4.  There is internal swelling.

5.  There is "free fluid" in the abdomen.

Rob is handling the news well.  Says he's up for the fight.  

The war rages on...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am excited to have had a couple of weather-day glimpses of Autumn!  August is just about done, and the hot, hazy, lazy days of summer can go to rest.  Bring on the Winnie-the-Pooh days of blustery blowing leaves and swift cool breezes, and crunchy walks through the woods while bundled in sweaters.  THAT is something that will always bring a smile to my heart.  My Autumn days. :)

Not sure if I mentioned that I have had a cardiac monitor inside my chest since last November or not...  blackouts, etc... but I'm having surgery to remove it in a week or so.  I want it out, I want no more expenses from it.  I am tired of doctors on all fronts.  I think I just need a really long vacation.  Really long, and really far away.  One I may stay on. :)

A coworker and I were talking on Saturday, and I looked at her and said, "Have you ever felt like packing up your things and just leaving?  Going somewhere new where you don't know anyone, and just starting over?"  I was glad to know I wasn't alone in this daydream of mine.  Guess I best get lost in my art.  
"My soul is fed, by needle and thread." :)

Well, I'm off to eat a quick and late dinner, and try to read a bit before going to bed early.  Really trying to get more sleep and take better care of me.  I read and watch old movies and listen to beautiful, mostly contemporary Christian music.  Some days, at least for a little while, life seems normal.



One thing I want to share with you, though, is that through all that is going on, as busy and as crazy and as rushed as this life gets, I AM filled with a peace that is beyond understanding.  Because God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and He uses all things for good.  It's true!  I read it in the Bible every day.  Someday He will give me that really long vacation, and someday it will all make sense.  Or maybe it won't.  That's okay.
 
We learn best, and grow closest to God, when we're in our valleys, not while we teeter on the mountain tops.  These valley years have brought me so much closer to God, and I am blessed and grateful beyond measure.  Every single day.

I'm good with all He's got for me.

In Love and In Peace and Ever Thankful...

Cheri ♥

 *All photos in today's blog are stock photos.

In Flight... The Days

Three months have come and gone.  

The snow is on reprieve and the hot, humid days have shown face... and it's still Spring!  I hope this isn't a taste of what we're in for this summer.  
I know, I know... it's better than snow.  
But at least when it's cold you can snuggle under a warm blanket or take a hot bath.  When you're hot, it's just plain HOT.  
Hard for this Autumn girl to go through summers. *wink*

On to the "Rob update" as promised...

As you may remember from the February CT, the majority of Rob's cancer cells/areas were growing, but his doctor didn't know how fast.  So she wanted us to wait and have Rob re-do the CT in May.  He did.

The results came in showing that it has continued to grow, some doubled in size, but because it is not REALLY fast growing, and because it isn't near any vital organs, she and Rob decided to wait another three months and do the CT again.  The oncologist's hope is to keep Rob away from the chemo treatments as long as possible so he is as strong as possible to fight this beast when it's time to fight.  She gave us a list of symptoms to watch out for and sent us on our way.

So we have a continued chemo vacation throughout the summer, and will return to the doctors and tests, and pokes and prods, in August.  It's strange how routine it has become to drive to Beaumont Hospital, how we know our way around there so well, know the nurses, the nooks and crannies and short-cuts and best places to park.  I already knew it well from the many trips with my daughter, but now Rob knows it well, too.  Sad.  But good.

Rob continues to sleep and rest, play around on the computer and chat with his friends.  He listens to his YouTube music, different themes different days.  Watches all his old TV shows and talks of days gone by.  He's happier living in the past when the world was controllable to him, than to deal with the reality of the present each day.  I understand that.  He continues to try to control the headaches and pains, and really doesn't want to talk about "it" at all.  Or anything else medically-related.  

I understand that, too.

He looks tired, he gets confused, he gets angry, then in the blink of an eye he's laughing at Barney in daily reruns of Andy Griffith.  He keeps the fluids filled in my car so I can get around safely, and he does work around the house to help.  

Life is going okay.

In 19 more days I start a new job.  I am with the same company, but am moving to an office much closer to our apartments.  Three miles away, in fact.  I am moving from part-time to full-time, which I'm not so sure I should be doing right now, but the opportunity presented itself, and all prayers pointed that way.  I applied on a Thursday, was called Friday for an interview the following Monday, and hired first thing Tuesday morning.  I believe it is the right decision for me.  

With this location, I can come home for lunches to check on Rob when he gets worse, and to take care of Riley.  Rob will only be alone for 4-5 hours at a time, so hopefully I won't have to lose so much time from work like I did when he was in such bad shape from the last rounds of chemo.  I was thankful to have the time off work and have my job protected, but I lost a lot of pay, too... We were so thankful to loved ones who helped us through those days, but it's hard to stay afloat when more is going out than coming in.  So many people find themselves in this same place, and it's hard and sad and unexpected.  But you just do what you have to do.  Hopefully I won't have to miss as much time from work being closer to the apartment.  Rob is pretty indifferent about it all, because it's dealing with things he doesn't want to deal with at this time.  

That's okay.

As for me... I have become elusive in the electronic world.

I can't tell you when I last watched a television show in the evening.  I avoid Social Media as much as possible, and only check in occasionally.  My daughter Nicole and I message back and forth when we need to, and when I'm not able to see her and the children, I relive her days through pictures on Instagram  --  so much less invasive and more private.

I am saddened at the way society has become.  

Customers come to me at work and never even acknowledge me or stop talking or texting on their phones.  When I ask if I can help them with anything else, they shoot me a distasteful look for having interrupted their "conversation."  I was driving down the road the other day and there was a father on the sidewalk with his beautiful, curly-blonde-haired toddler.  She was just standing there next to a little bike with training wheels while Daddy was texting on his phone.  Really???  I don't get it.

I don't want to be one of those people.  

I don't want to be standing with someone when we're having a conversation that is very important to me, and have them get a text and then turn their attention there instead, then answer it.  Ouch!  And everyone at work has phones on their desks and they text all day long.  Why?  I don't get it.

Why is being in touch and telling everyone everything you do more important than living in the moment, in the real world?  More important than talking meaningfully to someone who is right in front of you?

I need the quiet.

That's when I hear the voice of God in my heart.  It's in the quiet.  That's where His peace is, and He wants us to have that. I need that.  I can't think with all the noise and pressures and the who-has-whats and still be able to hear His voice.  And I need to hear Him for direction, for guidance, for decision making, and for the peace that passes all understanding.

I come home from work, and I retreat to my quilt room... my sanctuary.  Some days I watch dvds, sometimes I listen to music, sometimes I read.  I go through a lot of piles that never disappear, and I fall asleep over and over again with ink-trails on papers and pages, until I drag my sleepy self to bed.

Time is so precious.  So is the quiet.  And I need them both.  I am a deep thinker, and I need to keep my mind in a slower gear so there's no overheating.  That's never good.

So you won't see me very often on FB or hear from me too often through email, but I am here.  I am dealing with life as I know it, the best that I can.

I want my quiet.  I want my down time.  I need it.  I don't want to be plugged in to everyone and everything at my disposal.  I don't want to keep up.  

I just want to live.

Okay... I am stepping down off my soap box now...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There has been so much happening with medical concerns for my daughter, my granddaughter, and a few things with myself, that I have lost track of days and times altogether.  I should be in a state of overwhelming overload, but I am stilled and filled with peace...

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul;

He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I fear no evil, for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You have anointed my head with oil;

My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

(Psalm 23, NASB) 

We can't always see the goodness and the mercy in our present or our future, but we can look back and see everywhere the Lord's hand has been at work.  
We just need to be patient as He works all things for our good.

I have everything I will ever need.  It is a free gift.  
And it's the source of my strength.
 
And I'm good with that. :)

Have a blessed, and a peace-filled summer.  I will be back to update you more on Rob and I in late August.

In love, and most importantly, in peace... 

Cheri ♥

(*All photos in this blog post are stock photos.)

Groundhog Day...

I am shocked.
I am back when I said I would be back. :)

Christmas, 2015

Rob had his CT last week, and this past Tuesday we saw his oncologist.  She, Dr. B, told us that some of the lymph nodes are a bit smaller, but the majority of them have grown.  However, not grown to the point of her wanting to start treatment, if that makes any sense.  

This is what she shared with us...
Dr. B would be concerned if they had doubled in size, which they have not.  So she believes it is growing slowly.  She said she could be wrong, because it may have just started growing.  (It was only just under 5 months since the last CT.)  Rob is scheduled to re-do the CT in a couple of months (May 9th).  That will either show much more growth, slow growth, or no change...

If it's much more growth, then Dr. B will get Rob onto a treatment plan.  Her goal is to keep him away from chemo as long as possible, because that will make the previous chemo drugs available to effectively use on him again, rather than trying something new.

His liver seems to have responded well to treatment, so that is another plus for coming chemo treatments.  Hopefully it will remain that way. :)
Dr. B explained to us that Rob's cancer is incurable, but that treating it has become an "art" and they are able to manage it much longer than in previous years.  Initially they gave him about 1-1/2 - 2 years or so.  It's going on 3-1/2, so he's feelin' pretty good about that!


Rob was quite happy when we left, having stomped reality down a few steps.


Daily routines haven't changed much for Rob... lots of pain and napping still, but his friends and his computer keep him happy during awake times.  Thankfully he managed not to catch the bouts of winter sicknesses I've brought in --  Hard to work with the public, and love on your grandchildren, and not come down with the sniffles and flu.  A few times. :)
 

November 2015

                                            ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 


Some days I feel like I'm living in the movie, "Groundhog Day", and I keep trying to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be learning in all this.  Life now seems like forever, and it doesn't change.  Not sure how to handle it other than to keep on keepin' on, being patient, and praying LOTS.  I wake up exhausted and wonder how I can do it again... and find that He lifts me, and clothes me in His armor, and sends me out again. 


Protected.  Covered.  Strengthened.  Infused with new life.  Carried through the valleys, and up and down the rocky walls of days.
(Thank you, Jesus ♥)

I have sold furniture and de-cluttered in a major way (thank you SO much, sweet Colie!) and am living a much lighter, cleaner, simpler life with less.  I like it.  Our lease will be up the end of May and I am already getting the itch to move on.  Probably won't, but I like the thought of change.  To anywhere.

Sometimes I feel swallowed up in a work world of black suits and heels, but if you peek under my outer hair, you will see a small little braid hiding there... one that I craft every morning, and have been for awhile now.  It's my little attempt at keeping the "me" I remember alive.  The easy-going, free-spirit that's in hiding.  That old hippie-chick that loved music... the good music that gets down deep in your soul, and loved the quiet and loved walks in the woods, funny-word plays, and creating something from nothing.  
She'll be back someday, I'm sure of that. :)
 

Onward, Ho...
So, we have another couple of months of reprieve, breathing space, a touch of normalcy.  We'll take what we can get. :)

I continue to thank you for your prayers... you have blessed my life, our lives, more than you'll ever know.  Some of you I've known all my life, others since grade school, others from my wild and crazy teens, and yet others from my "grown-up" years.  I am so glad, so thankful, that we have all crossed paths in this lifetime.

Pending anything that comes up before, I will be back in mid May for sure to update you on Rob's next CT.  At least by then hopefully the snow and cold will have subsided.  

But, it is Michigan... :)

In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥