Quiet Hours...

This cancer and this treatment are a funny thing.  Not funny in a good way, but funny in a confusing, angry, sickening way.

From last Thursday's treatment

As each week progresses, and as the treatments continue to build up in Rob's body, he is feeling the effects more and more.  The treatment this past Thursday has hit him pretty hard, and has gotten worse each day.  The nausea is ever-present, even though he's on all the nausea meds.  Today he told me that he understands why people opt out of doing any more chemo.  He feels like it's killing him slowly, though it's supposed to be helping.

Rob feels best when he's sleeping.

I was watching him as he slept on the couch this afternoon and early evening, and I was hurting so bad inside for him... for all this that he's having to go through.  Even as I write in these early morning hours, the tears continue to well in my eyes and in my heart.  He is clearly suffering and trying to do it with grace, and with the strength that is still in there somewhere.

It just all seems to be so real in this present moment when most of the world is sleeping, and when I should be, too.  Rob went to bed hours ago.  Sometimes my mind just won't let me go. 

Rob and I continue to share his journey, our journey, for a few reasons...  First, so those of you, family and friends, can stay updated with everything that's going on.  Second, so you can help support others you may know now or in the future who may face this ugly monster... so you can understand, and support, and love them all the more.  And third, it also helps us to get some of the uglies out of our heads, to clear our minds, to soak in the peace and the prayers and the love surrounding us both.

Part of last weeks 'cocktail.'

This is scary, but we're not afraid.

God is giving Rob the strength he needs to remain positive and happy, even though he's feeling so rough inside and out.  And He's giving me the strength to be who Rob needs me to be right now, even though some days I am not a very good example.  It's easy to get mired in the madness of trying to be strong when all you want to do is hide in the dark and cry, or scream at the sky.  Or like trying to be in control when you know you really don't have any at all.  

I am quiet a lot, and I find myself taking slow, deep breaths just to stay balanced.  I once heard a preacher say that when we're inhaling, it's like God's breathing life into us.  And that's what I feel.  He's breathing in life, and He's breathing in strength, and He's breathing in peace.  And that's how I'm getting through these days.

Please keep Rob in your prayers for a relief from the nausea, for the chemo to be destroying any roaming cancer cells, for his continued sense of humor and happy outlook on life.  God has kept Rob wrapped tightly in your prayers, and He will bring good from all of this... some day, somehow.  I have faith.  And Rob does, too.

Be blessed, dear ones.  Don't take any relationship for granted, or any of the blessings that are hiding all around you.  Life can change in an instant, and you never want to feel like you wish you would have loved more, and cared more, and been who you were wonderfully designed to be...  A blessing to those around you.

Yes, it's time to try to sleep now, though a quiet walk out under the stars is sounding good, too.  

'Night.


In Love and Washed in Peace,

Cheri ♥        

A Long, Good Day

We're tired.  But it was a good day.  As good as a chemo day could be, I guess.

We were at the hospital for about 8 hours today.  We had a window in our room this time, and we could only see the treetops and the sky.  We saw the sun come out, the dark clouds move in, the rain pour down, the branches blowing wildly.  It was a good day to be inside.

Rob's nurse, Portia, was able to get the IV in with one try.  There was no pain, no real swelling... for a change, everything went very well today!  There were seven different IV bags, so it took a while to get it all inside of Rob, washing through his veins, killing the good and bad cells.  Hopefully mostly the bad.

Rob's symptoms seem to be increasing with intensity each time he receives chemo.  The nausea (which never really stops), the bad taste in his mouth, the intense burning in his lungs and chest, weakness, and quite a bit of confusion that seems to follow, especially, the double-whammy blast.  And something new that we noticed today... he had several times when he couldn't stop talking.  He said he felt a little 'hyper' this time, and couldn't calm down.  

We got home a little before dinner, and Rob slept for a long time.  So we ate a bit late.  Okay, so I dozed in my chair a little, too.  These chemo days are stressy days.

Rob is now officially over halfway through the chemo treatments!  And the best news is, there's only one more of these really long days of chemo left in May.  Yes, we have several smaller ones (3-4 hours) in between, but only one more of the double-dose of drugs.  That double-blast is the worst.

We are going to be laying low tomorrow, hopefully watching some movies and sleeping.  I want to make sure Rob's doing okay.  I've already done laundry and cleaning, so there's not much on my list.  Just some rest and recovery.


Well, I have to get this posted, as I've fallen asleep again over and over as I'm typing and trying to think.  It's not flowing easy tonight, so I will bid you all a blessed evening, a peaceful tomorrow, and a lifetime of chances to make things right with those you love.

Good night, dear ones.

In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥        

Quick Update...

Just a quick update after today's oncologist appointment...

Rob's red counts are all low, and he's anemic, due to what the chemo is doing to his system.  BUT, not to the point that we have to reschedule Thursday's chemo treatment.. Yeah!  Rob just wants to get all this behind him!

We found out today that after we finish up Round 4, late May or early June, Rob will have a body scan that will serve two purposes:  The first will be to check for any obvious cancer cell clusters present, and the second will be to serve as a baseline for comparison scans.  The oncologist will periodically, every 3-6 months (although she later reiterated 3 months) do bloodwork and body scans.  If the bloodwork shows any suspicious numbers, they'll do a bone scan.  We also found out that if they find cancer in other places, like in the bone for example, it won't be called 'bone cancer,' but rather bladder cancer that spread to the bone.  Interesting.

Rob is very tired, but in good spirits, because of you lifting him in prayer.  I can't thank you enough.

We came home, Rob slept and read and perused the online community for awhile, and we've enjoyed a quiet evening.  I am praying that Thursday's treatment goes easy and well for Rob, that his veins hold up to the trauma, and that the effects we know are coming, maybe won't.  I can hope.  

Well, it's almost 11:30pm and I still have a few things on my list to do, and I have to be up at 5am for work... another short night of sleep.  So, I'm outta here!!!  ;)

Have a blessed mid-week.  I'll be back sometime on Thursday.


In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥     

A Peaceful Week of Rest

Hi there... :)

It's been a nice and restful stay-at-home week at our place.

No doctors.  No treatments.  No pokes or prods or poisons.

It's been a week off from what's become our normal.  Kind of like the intermission between features.  The first show is over, the second is about to begin.

Tomorrow we're back to the oncologist for a couple of hours, and we'll see where Rob's blood counts have decided to settle for this week.  We are pretty sure where they are, but we can always hope it's going to play out differently.

Then Thursday, as long as his numbers are good enough, it's time for the 'double-whammy' again, where we'll pack our goodie bag of books and odds and ends to keep us both busy for 7-10 hours while we hope that all Rob's going through is working to 'buy him time,' as they tell us.  

What exactly does that mean?  How much time?  Nobody seems to know.  Is it 'time' like when you're 10 years old and feeling like it will be forever before you grow up?  Or is it 'time' like when you wonder what happened to the day?  We're siding with the child still inside us both.

Rob's been doing okay, not really swinging back like he did after the first round, but we were expecting that as the chemo drugs continue to build up within him.  He hasn't been able to stop or change around any of the nausea meds.  He did try.  It was not a good idea.  He is resting quite often, for long periods of time.  And it's okay, because it's what his body is demanding for what it's going through.

We switched Rob to a very gentle shampoo to try and slow the hair loss, but as of this evening, he told me even that is not working any longer.  Oh, he still has his "hippie-tail" as I call it... however, it's thinning out, and I can see more flesh all around than I ever could before.  It doesn't matter to me, though.  He's still the man I love, and hair or no hair, he is precious in my sight.

And how are other things in our little part of the world?  

Well, our Darby-dog is better, and turning 11 tomorrow.  Our fish Juno is still fighting the good fight to recover.  Our cat Gypsy is...well... she's just her normal drive-me-crazy cat self.  My daughter has good days and rough days... but even on her rough days she is an inspiration of joy and positivity in my world.

Me?  I work, I try to sleep, I cry quietly here and there, and I have meltdowns when we run out of dish soap (or juice or anything else in my line of vision at that moment).  I keep moving and rearranging furniture (an emotional release to me), and I try hard to make the uglies stay out of my head and instead let God's peace fill me.  Sometimes I get lost and it's a struggle, but I find my way eventually.  And then I get up and do it all again, hopefully better.  

And it's good to have the chance to do that.

It will be a full week, and I will try to post either during or after Rob's treatment on Thursday.  This is the start of Round 3, and they say "...the third time's a charm..."   Let's hope so!

Thank you so much for your continued help, support, and prayers... they are appreciated more than you'll ever be able to possibly know.  Truly and completely.


In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥        

A Quieter Week

I know, it's been a while again.  *Sigh*

Time is getting so far away from me.  I am running and running, but I can't seem to make that jump to get back on the bandwagon.  This morning I took some time to regroup, and it's working.  Some. 

Last week, Thursday, was the last day of round two of chemo for Rob.  We are at the halfway point, and so happy about it!  All of Rob's red blood counts continued to drop, all below normal now, as well as his white blood count and the platelets.  We knew this was coming, which is why we are working so hard to keep germs/viruses/bacterias away from him.  We don't want him getting sick, and we don't want any of the remaining chemo treatments to be postponed.  Rob just wants to be DONE.  Done with the poking and proding, done with the poisons ravaging his bloodstream, done with having his energy sapped and his strength depleted.  Just done.

I met my daughter at the hospital last Thursday morning so I could spend some time with my grandbabies while she had to see a doctor she was referred to.  Then after hugs and waves, I ran home to get Rob, and went back to the hospital for his chemo treatment.  And this chemo went very well for a change!  I think it was due to Sister Bear.  

Here's the story:  

When Rob was in the hospital recovering from the second surgery in January, there was a time or two that I morphed into "Mama Bear"  -  trying to snap Rob out of the darkness and back to life.  Yes, I have it in me when I have to.  And by my side for most of those days was Rob's sister Holly... my support and strength, too.  So she has become "Sister Bear."  And Sister Bear and her David flew in from California last week and were able to be with us during the chemo stay on Thursday.  Holly needed that as much as Rob and I did.  Minor difficulties with the pain as the chemo entered, but slowing down the IV did the trick.  But I think the best medicine Rob had going for him was the laughter he shared with Holly.  At one point he asked her to feel the hardened veins in his right arm from the chemo leakage.  As soon as she touched his arm, he screamed in pain, Holly was instantly distraught, and Rob burst out laughing!  David said he KNEW that was going to happen!  Yes, his joking ability is fully intact!  Anyways, just seeing her and knowing she was there calmed the day.  

Holly and David were also able to come by and spend some hours with Rob on Saturday while I worked, before flying back to sunny Cal.  Then Rob's brother Stu, who has been more than a blessing to us during all of these cancer days, was able to come by on Sunday to visit with Rob.  Those times with Stu are always a comfort to Rob... to have his big brother close by to give him strength through these scary days.  It really means a lot to him to have his siblings walking this road with him.  Mind you, there are masks and lots of disinfecting going on, but none of that gets in the way of Rob being loved unconditionally and completely.  He is truly a blessed man.
 

Rob, pre-trimmer...  Keep reading! ♥

So this week will be a bit quieter... no doctors for Rob, no chemo treatments.  I will meet my daughter at the hospital again on Thursday to play with Izzy and Ally as she has some imaging tests done, then I'm taking her for some bloodwork.  Other than that, I will spend time getting caught up around the house.  Hopefully making some piles disappear.  But most of all, spending some quiet time with Rob on my days off.  Maybe some movies, hopefully some walks.  Maybe even some naps that I can join in on.  

One of the joys that Rob has is spending time on the computer, conversing through the keyboard with friends near and far, and listening to his music... almost like an oxygen that he needs to be complete.  And I am so thankful that he has that outlet.  For his peace, and his calm.  To bring him added laughter and joy.  However, the desk he was using, the only one we had, was part of the bedroom set that he had as a teen... from when we dated, in fact!  And for those of you who don't know Rob, he is a big man, tall, and his knees were not made to comfortably fit under that desk anymore.  So I got to planning...

To make more room for the desk I wanted, we also needed to get rid of one of the dressers from the set.  And I figured we could get the most for the whole 6-piece set rather than sell it off one piece at a time.  Sooooo.....  I listed it all on Craig's List, and sold the entire package, along with another livingroom chair and miscellaneous odds and ends.  Then my daughter and her family took me in their van to Ikea (love that store!), and with a little finagling and some scrimping and saving, I was able to get him a nice, big desk, and two chests-of-drawers that were much less space-invading and still cost effective!  The only drawback was that it took me over 7 hours to assemble it all, and my ol' joints are still hurting!  

But the mission was accomplished!  Rob can now sit comfortably, in the new chair and the new desk, listening to his music on new speakers that replaced the headphones he had (if you remember, he can't have anything close to his ears during the chemo and for a year afterwards, due to the hearing-damage that can happen from one of the chemo drugs).  It makes me happy to make Rob happy... to make sure he's comfortable and able to do things he enjoys, things that give him joy and fulfillment as he handles these valley days away from the germs.  

Thank you to all who helped me be able to do this for my husband.  I want all of his days to be good days.  It's true that money can't buy happiness, but once in a while, a little bit for a good cause can do wonders. 

As for apartment hunting, we are holding off until this week when we are due to hear back from the gent who's handling the leases for our complex while it's on the market.  We want to see what he has to offer.  We are limited on what we can spend right now, so I hope it's something we can work out... just to save Rob from all the emotional stress of moving.  And how do I feel about moving?  Well, I am already exhausted, so on that line, I'd rather stay.  But I try to look at each new day as an adventure, and I love adventures!  So if that's what is meant to be, it will all be okay, and something will be out there waiting for us.  I have faith in that.  It's my faith that gives me that faith.

~~~

I am praying Rob will regain some strength this week so he can get through the last two months of treatments that are staring us in the face.  We know each time is going to get harder on his body, and it's hard to understand how that could possibly be, but each time Rob undergoes a treatment, we find out.  

Rob is a very strong man, inside and out.  He is a good man, a loving man, and even with all he is going through, he remains positive and hasn't lost his zany sense of humor!  He can find joy in all the little things, and he always looks for the brighter side of a story.  He is happy and content with whatever cards he's dealt, and makes the best of everything he encounters.  He doesn't let stress get to him, and even with the walk he's on, his compassion for others who are hurting astounds me.

He is still dealing with quite a bit of nausea every day, but getting used to it, if that's even possible.  And he naps.  Lots of naps.  But he feels good when he's sleeping, so he must need it.  His body is at war within, so I say let him rest on the outside so he can fight the battle inside.  Sleep, my Piper...  Sleep.  I'll tell you the Piper story later... :)

One final note today...  Rob went in to use his beard trimmer the other day, and came out looking years younger with an almost clean-shaven face!  Seems a certain part didn't get put in place on the trimmer, "... but it will grow back!" he says.  These chemo-brain moments are rather amusing... sometimes!!!

Be blessed, dear ones, because you really, truly are.

In Love and In Peace,

Cheri  ♥