At a Standstill... Sort of

Some days it feels like I just started this blog for Rob.  

Other days it seems like a lifetime ago.

(Rob and I, pre-C  --  2012)

It was four weeks this past Monday since Rob had any chemo treatments.

If you remember, he was sent home after the IV had already been started for his second round of the fourth cycle of chemotherapy for stage IV bladder cancer.  Rob got a call in the medical short-stay unit from his oncologist to stop the treatment as he was finishing the third of the pre-drugs and about to get the actual chemo...  The change in plans was due to the blood work results that were drawn when we got there.

(Stock photo)

Rob's liver counts were high, and climbing dramatically each week.  His doctor was afraid he would go into liver failure if he received the treatment.

So... Rob, sister Holly, and I packed up and went home to wait for a few weeks to recheck the numbers.  We saw Dr. B this past Tuesday and she had more blood drawn to check Rob's liver counts.  

We got the results back yesterday.  

Four weeks since his last chemo treatment, and the numbers are even higher.  They are continuing to climb, and we don't know why.

I have a theory...  the liver filters out toxins, and the docs have been pumping him full of poison pretty much straight since November of last year.  And that doesn't count the four months of the initial treatments in early 2013.

(Stock photo)

But Rob is strong.  

And his body is working hard to fight this beast.

So Dr. B is referring Rob to a hepatologist  --  a physician who specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of diseases of the liver, gall bladder, pancreas and biliary tree.  Rob is not big on the idea of seeing yet another specialist.  Or any doctor for that matter.  When he called me at work yesterday to tell me this latest news, he said to me, "The cancer is going to get me, they can't stop that.  Why should we pay to go to more doctors?"  I told him it might be a good idea to at least find out what exactly is causing the high numbers.  He reluctantly agreed for now.  We are waiting to hear back from Dr. B's office on where and when the appointment will be.

(Patience please, Lord.)

(Stock photo)

Dr. B has officially put Rob on a "chemo holiday" for awhile, as she said the chemo at this point is not a good option.  She said his body is not tolerating it, so she wants him to rest for a bit.  He'll have the CT's again on his chest, pelvis, and abdomen toward the end of June to check on the cancer growth, and we'll meet with Dr. B the following day to get the results.  

So as far as the chemo goes, Rob is on "holiday" for the near future.

He continues to deal with headaches that stop him in his tracks and contort his face in ways that intense pain can, but he says they are not as bad as they were.  So that is good.  He is trying to get by on lesser strength pain meds, just because he wants to right now.  Dr. B told him if he needs anything stronger to let her know, and he can get it.

I was home today.  Work wasn't an option for many reasons.  Mostly I just needed to be home.  The sun has been out all day, the temps are warming back up again, birds have been chirping as they play amongst the branches of the flowering trees, children on the playground...  The world continues and life goes on all around us.

(Me)

When I am not being filled with smiles and joy from my baby and her babies, I find myself so deep in thought.  More and more.  I pray and cry out to God with all the goods and all the bads, all the joys and all the fears.  My relationship with Him is stronger each day, and it is so much closer than ever before.  And it is so good.  

One moment I feel like I will shake apart at the seams, and the next, I am breathing peacefully as He whispers life into me with each breath.  Contemplating.  Being.  Praying for guidance, praying for wisdom.  Seeking answers I may or may not hear.  The "yes" answers are mostly comforting, the "wait" ones are the hardest, and the "no" ones are mixed...  sad at the loss of made-up hopes and dreams, but happy at being able to let go, finally and forever, and get back to living.

So many words and pictures and songs and dreams swirling around in my being day and night, and I am finding comfort in not feeling like I have to have answers, or control.  I just have to have faith, and trust, and be obedient.  And whatever the future holds, it's all going to be okay.  Because God knows best, and He works all things for good for those who believe and love Him.  

And I believe.

And I love Him.

In this I go on.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Rob and I continue to be humbled and grateful for the love and prayers and support expressed to and for and about and around us both... it is all felt and appreciated, and we love you all more than words can say.

I will update when I know more.  

About anything. :)

(Found during an afternoon walk...)

In love and in peace,

Cheri ♥ 

Late, Early, and an Abrupt Stop

(Stock Photo)

I am late in updating the blog.  Many good reasons, some to come.

I am early in the day as I write, compared to normal.  Again, a good reason.  Thunderstorms are rolling in soon, and my techy things will be unplugged.

And the abrupt stop came about this afternoon...

(I don't have any new pics today, but will stick in a few older things here and there.)

Last week was one of the hardest and craziest I've been through, and I am so glad it's over.  Worship on Sunday morning filled me with hope, and the storm clouds were washed from my eyes and heart so I could clearly see again.  

And breathe.  

Enough on that.

2010

Last Monday Rob began the fourth cycle of chemotherapy, with hopes of going another three months before having to take a break.  He knows that the cancer will grow during the break times, which is why he wanted to just keep attacking it as long as he could.

He tolerated the treatment like the fighter he is, and spent much of the treatment, and week, sleeping and taking pain meds.  He's moving a bit slower, and doesn't have too much to say most days, but he stays in touch with all of his friends on Facebook, and they keep him going strong, and keep a smile on his face and in his heart.

Today we went to the hospital for his second treatment of chemo.  He takes three pre-chemo drugs/IV's, then the actual chemo drug.  Well, he was almost through the third pre-drug, when the nurse came in and handed him the phone, saying his oncologist would be calling any moment... and the chemo was cancelled.

2011

It seems both of Rob's liver numbers are high.  Not just high.  But HIGH.  One is over five times the normal high level, and the other is just over eight times the normal high level.  She told Rob that if he took the chemo drug, he could go into liver failure.

So, Rob agreed with her that he will rest for the next few weeks, and we will revisit with his oncologist on May 12th to re-check the bloodwork and see where to go from there.

He was pretty quiet on the way out of the hospital today, and is feeling a bit down about having to stop already after only one treatment in this fourth cycle.  But we both know that things happen for a reason, and whether we understand everything fully or not, that's okay with us.

He came home and went to sleep, and is sleeping still.  He doesn't look well and he doesn't feel well, but he is still big and strong and still has lots of fight inside.  He just needs a little rest time, that's all.  

And that's okay.

(Stock Photo)

The weather has started to even out in a good Spring way.  

Lots of sunny coat-free days and nice, nice breezes.  

The kind you stand in with your eyes closed as the bad all wisps away from you... inside and out.  

I like  --  no, I need those days.  More of them.

(Stock Photo)

I have found myself reflecting quietly a lot, in between hysterical outbursts when everything keeps going wrong.  But those quiet times are holding me together.  I told my daughter that at times I just feel a constant humming, keeping me from frazzling apart.  I am lost in thoughts... mostly mindless ones, but deep ones, too.  I find it's best most days to just keep my mouth closed and keep my hands busy and let my mind run free.  
God is working on me, molding me...  

For what, I don't know.  

But it's going to be good.  :)

So unless something drastic changes before May 12th, I won't be seen or heard from too much.  

I am escaping to nowhere for awhile.

(Stock Photo)

I am so thankful for you... for you all.  I have felt your prayers wrap around us, I have heard and read your encouraging words, I listen to music that captures my soul, and I rest in His arms, secure.

Thank you ♥ 


In Love and Truly Wrapped in Peace,

Cheri ♥

(Stock Photo)

 

On Your Mark, Get Set...

Greetings!

So much to fill in since we last spoke. :)

We welcomed Spring, and welcomed a freak snowstorm.  So I set up our balcony belongings shortly thereafter, and so far, no more snow.  
I like to think I helped.  ;)

 

Easter was spent with family...  
Rob's sister Holly joined me and most of my family for church service, where Izzy danced in praise to God... so nice!  Then we went to Mike and Colie's home and laughed and spent time in fellowship as we shared a homemade brunch of French toast and bacon.  Later in the day, I joined with my immediate family at my sister's home where enjoyed more time with those that were able to come.

Izzy is in blue in the front toward the left... this was beautiful :)

Rob was not up to joining us for any of the day as he was not feeling the best, and wanted to stay home to rest and sleep.  But he gave us his blessings to attend the celebrations with his best to all.  We spent the afternoon together, and later evening together as he dozed on the couch.  I did notice when I got home that there was less Easter candy than what the Bunny brought for him that morning...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Rob had his CT on March 30th, and we were quietly on edge waiting until we saw his oncologist, Dr. B, Tuesday.  We had received the results a few days prior, and were waiting to talk with her about what it all meant, and what to do from here.

The barrage of chemo treatments seemed to help, as the cancerous lymph nodes and masses did shrink  --  not a lot, but at least they didn't continue to grow, and that's what she was hoping for. 

Last Saturday night, Rob's lower legs, ankles, and feet were very swollen, and I was on the phone with the on-call oncologist right away.  Long story short, I got home about 10pm after driving an hour round trip to a 24-hour pharmacy to get some Lasix to take the swelling down until we got in to see Dr. B Tuesday.  

These are the decisions that were made at the appointment yesterday:

• Rob chose to continue with a fourth cycle of chemo (3 months) to try to continue to shrink the cancer.  Dr. B, although she initially wanted to give him a "chemo holiday," went along with Rob's wishes since his blood count numbers are holding up well enough to continue.  I'm a little worried about the toll it will take on him due to his current condition, but it's what he wants.  So he will start up again this coming Monday.
• Dr. B wrote an order for a venus doppler on both his legs for today (Wednesday) to rule out a blood clot, since though the swelling in his lower legs was down, it was still not gone.  So we spent most of the late afternoon at Beaumont getting the ultrasound done.  We left with a big smile on Rob's face after bring told there were NO blood clots!  PTL!  We'll have to talk with her again to get more meds if the swelling doesn't disappear.
• This time, Rob will have 3 weeks of chemo, and one week of rest, for the next three months.  Hopefully it will take a lesser toll on him  --  with the week break here and there  --  considering where he's starting from this time around.
• We will see Dr. B again in 4 weeks so she can keep a close eye on him.

 

Rob doesn't want me taking pictures of him right now, as he keeps saying he just sees "death".  I don't like hearing that.  He thinks the death jokes are funny, so we go with it.  He did approve this picture... it was not against his will.  ;)

As for me?  
I am finally over my sickness... it lasted 19 days!  However, I have been breaking out in hives for the last week.  Not sure if it's my body cleansing from the illness, or the stress trying to get out.  :)

I am missing a lot of work, and spending free time with Nicole or hiding out in my quilt room.  There is a lot of quiet time, with my Riley-boy by my side.  He is still getting in trouble, but he's so cute it's hard to stay angry.  The world is still big and new to him, having only been in it for just over 8 months now... and there is so much to explore!  He's a big boy, over 52 pounds so far, and though he's a bit wild around others, he is a gentle boy with his Mom, and knows how to play my heartstrings.  

And I just love his expressions, and I love his ears.

His dog bed is rarely FLAT on the floor... he wrestles with it!

I find I surround myself with old movies, music, and lots of quiet as I float through these days.  I get lost in daydreams.  Time is disappearing.  

I've been stressing about so much, though I know I shouldn't.  I don't mean to do it... it's just there.  Things pop into my head, like whether to renew our lease or not, but I have been set straight by family not to fret about those things right now... It's a small worry in the big picture of life.  So as hard as it is for me, I have let that go, and will stop looking for somewhere else to land.  

It's really hard to keep my ducks in a row when I don't know which pond they're on.

Well, we are due for severe storms tomorrow (Thursday) evening.  I don't like that.  They always bring back thoughts of the tornado of 1976 I went through.  Took many years to get over those memories.  Of course these storms are due to hit in the dark hours when we can't see them coming...  We'll just hear them, and feel them, but not know what's actually coming at us.

Isn't that how life is sometimes?  
You can't always see what's coming.  That's where TRUST comes into play... believing, having faith.   

I think these storms are trying to remind me of some things I shouldn't let fear take away. 

(Deep breath.  In and out.  Over and over.  Thank you, dear Lord.  Yes, I'm listening...)

No matter what, it's going to be okay.  No matter what. 

This I know.


In Love and Peace,

Cheri  ♥    

 

Chemo, Cycle 3 - Completed

Just a short and sweet update on Rob... Honest!!!

He finished the ninth and final chemo treatment scheduled for this third cycle of treatments!  His numbers in the red blood count areas are still rather low, but all-in-all, the WBC and platelet counts have held up when they should have continued to fall.  

I was not there with Rob and Holly again for this last treatment, but according to Rob, it went really well, and for that I am thankful.  So grateful also that Holly is here.  I am still nursing bronchitis, and wishing my meds would work.  Day 15 now and I don't feel much better.  But I know sometimes these things take time to clear up.  No energy to rattle on too long, lucky for you!!! LOL! ;)

Rob is scheduled to re-do the CTs of his chest, abdomen, and pelvis area next week to see what the cancer is doing, and then on April 7th, we will meet with Dr. B (Rob's oncologist) to go over the results and see what the future holds.

Until then, we are free, carried on a wing and your prayers.  (Thank you!)

2010

Rob is going to be enjoying the time away from the hospital... he's been there all but one week so far this year.  That's a lot.  You'll find him in his cyber world of music and trivia.  You, his friends, have touched his life deeply, and continue to do so daily.  He's complete in his world there with all of you. (Thank you)

Me?  

In my mind, I will be here:

No television, no computer, just books and fabric and scissors and a dog, and the music of wind in the trees. :)

  *********

I'll update on the CT results sometime after April 7th.  
Please continue to lift us both in your prayers...  

We are ever so thankful.  

Yes, God is enough.  Our strength is in Jesus.  Always and forever. ♥


In Love and Peace,

Cheri ♥  

One More to Go...

Well, Rob had his 8th chemo treatment in the third cycle this past Monday, and something happened that I never thought would happen...

I wasn't there with him.

Holly pic :) ♥

But thankfully, Rob's sister Holly, my "Sister Bear", was by his side.  Holly took this photo of Rob during the treatment... very cool shadow play there, Hol!!!  They told me the treatment went well, and Rob slept through the last part, after partaking of a little Starbucks food and drink with his Sis.

I am on day 10 of being, well, pretty sick!  I just can't seem to shake this bug, and I don't know how I caught it...  I am taking so many vitamins and sanitizing and washing... to keep Rob well.  Go figure.  Probably stress, though I feel like I'm handling things okay.  On the outside.  Maybe.

So we have been living on different sides of the apartment... Well, I have been hangin' in my quilt room from sunup until sundown.  Rob lets me sleep in the bed while he takes the couch, then we switch places when Riley and Gypsy get me up around 5:30a-6am.  It's been crazy.  And I'm tired.

And yes, before I get all those emails, I am going to the clinic tomorrow after I get off work to get some drugs, since I can't seem to shake this on my own, and it's not getting any better, just moving down.  Hummphf.  New word.  My spelling.

Rob's numbers are a little up, a little down... probably because he's trying to fend off the germs from me.  *sigh*

I did a little reading on "chemo brain" and read that it is actually a cognitive impairment... a manifestation of central nervous system toxicity that occurs in many cancer patients on active therapy, and that it may persist for 45% of patients after treatment is discontinued.  Rob has really been bombarded with these chemicals during this cycle, more so than what is normally prescribed.  So the issues he experiences are certainly understandable.  With the first cycle back in 2013, he experienced mental fogginess and fatigue, which never completely went away.  These last two cycles, right in a row since November 2014, are leaving an impression.  One we hope goes away.

Next Monday will be treatment number 9.  Yeah!!!  Then we know he will FOR SURE have two weeks free from chemo, as he undergoes a repeat of the chest, abdomen, and pelvis CT's on March 30, and we return to see his oncologist for the results on April 7th.  

Patience... patience.  Only from Grace.

Some of my views in my quilt room that surround me, keeping me who I am:

 

I am halfway done with a special project I've been working on (in my heart and mind) for over 7 months now.  Details hopefully soon. ;)

♥

  
Thank you so much, our dear friends and family, for standing so strong for so long with us on this bumpy journey so far, for keeping Rob (and me) lifted in prayer, for your words of encouragement, for the help we've received in so very many ways....  I will never be able to tell you how you have blessed our lives, especially these last 26 or so months.  We could not possibly have kept the pace, kept the smiles on our faces or in our hearts, let alone be feeling so good and so strong, without your willingness to let God move through you.  We are so humbled and so grateful beyond words.

I am cooking a pot roast today, something I don't do too often (not a red-meat eater), but it's just like my Mom used to make.  Comfort.  It smells wonderful.  I won't think so tomorrow when that's all we smell in the apartment, but right now, it smells like home. :)

Have a blessed weekend, be safe out there, enjoy the bit of Spring that has sprung across the country.  The birds singing all day long each day in the trees outside my quilt room offer such hope for the future in my soul.

No matter what, it's going to be okay.  

God is enough. 

In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥

 

Two More to Go in Cycle 3!

Greetings again... late again.  

Sheesh.  :)

On Monday Rob completed chemo treatment 7 of 9 in this third cycle.  No problems, no issues...  numbers continue to drop, but the nurse gave me the parameters on where the four main blood counts need to be, and somehow, he is still within range (thank you for continuing prayers) to receive the chemo treatments.  Holly and I chatted a bit and worked on our bags of things to do while Rob slept through most of the afternoon.  

That's always a good thing.

We saw his oncologist yesterday, and for the very first time, it was a relaxing visit, and she explained much to us in detail.  That's what we have been wanting.  I will not be sharing all the details here, but will let you know when anything changes that Rob wants to open up to all of our friends.  His doc is going to be keeping an eye on the couple of numbers that are continuing to climb, but will not be doing anything for the moment about those.

She said her goal right now is prolonging his life, and giving him quality of life.  

We'll gratefully take it, whatever it is.

Two more treatments, and Rob will be getting at least two weeks off as he undergoes the CT scans again at the end of this month, and as we meet back with the oncologist for the results the first week in April.  That visit and those results will give us direction on where we go from here...  either more time off, or more treatments of some sort. 

We will wait patiently.

The head pains continue, although his new way of taking his meds are actually helping him a bit.  The doc is not able to give him more or different meds because they are very hard on the liver, and Rob's liver is already compromised.  But as long as it's bringing even a little relief, Rob welcomes it.  He is still sleeping a lot, and frustratingly dealing with the effects of "chemo brain" again, but all in all, it's not too bad.

I was able to escape for some time on Saturday to go to Ikea with Nicole and her family... always a fun day!  And last night Nicole and I bummed around Meijer for a bit waiting for some scripts... it was very relaxing.  I love being with her. :)

Then, after dinner last night, my throat became very sore and very swollen, and I am still today feeling pretty yucky.  Majorly yucky.  I banished myself to my quilt room all day (and will be here most of the night) to keep away from Rob so he doesn't catch whatever I caught.  I don't know how I got sick, as I am pumping myself with so many vitamins, and sanitizing and washing everything constantly.  But my manager told me when I called him this morning that I've been under a lot of stress (yes sirree) and that is likely what caused it. He said, "Stay home!"  I like the way that man thinks! :)

So I will be fighting to be better, and trying to stay away from Rob while doing these days of ours.  I just want to go to bed.

We continue to be so thankful for all of your prayers!  They have helped Rob to get so much further in this cancer journey than his doctors even thought possible, and we are all so grateful for all of you.  God is our strength, and that strength is coming through you.

We are grateful beyond words. ♥

Rob wants to stay happy, and to be surrounded by normalcy and happy voices and words.  He, like all of us, wants to enjoy each day, not wallow in the "what if's" of the world.  I will try to make sure he does!

And today, he is happy and he is feeling good!  He even gave me a smiling face for the camera!

So in the meantime, Rob will be found on his facebook page, sharing his musical wisdom and witty conversations, finding joy in the little things of life, and keeping plugged in to your worlds, too.  He cares deeply for you, as you do for him.  (*thank you*)

And I am off to bed... after a very late dinner tonight.  Very late.  :/

In Love and Wrapped in Peace,

Cheri ♥

 

Not Many Changes... Finished 6 of 9

Greetings Family and Friends :)

This won't be too long today... Not many changes going on with Rob this week to date.  We went for his 6th chemo infusion on Monday, with 3 more to go in this 3rd cycle.  We are all shocked he is tolerating it so well, but as my daughter Nicole said, "There are a lot of people praying for him."

Thank you. ♥

Rob's blood counts continue to fall, by small amounts, below normal but still good enough for the chemo.  When he is finished with the treatments lately though, it takes every ounce of energy he has left to slowly shuffle out of the hospital and to the car.  He won't let me get him at the door.  He wants to walk.  So we do.  And the anger is a bit better.  I like that.

Holly joined us again, and we spent time visiting, sharing Starbucks, and working on our individual projects.  She is a comfort, and she makes my heart smile.

Our appointment with Rob's oncologist yesterday (Tuesday) was rescheduled by her office until next week, due to the weather.  The morning started off with light snow, then heavy snow, then sleet, then rain.  Our parking lot was quite the mess, so we were glad we didn't have to head out anywhere.  

I worked on my piles and projects, and Rob slept in between his usual postings and perusing of the cyber world.  Riley zooms and sleeps and plays and chases the cat  --  who is usually sleeping, or on counters she doesn't belong on.  And when Rob is sleeping, the cat is sleeping on him.  Yes, life as we know it.  Our new normal.  I have so much quiet and alone time, even when Rob is awake.  But my mind is in constant gear, so I must need the silence, even with background noises.  Funny how I can hear things and tune them out at the same time.  It's a woman power.  ;)

Rob still has constant head pain, but has shuffled around his meds on his own and has come up with a mixture of quantities that seems to help the best.  The pain never stops, but he's a master at subduing it now.  For the most part.

He did well today, and I'm hoping the morning will bring the same.  If so, I will head in to work, and maybe get 3 days in this week.  Last week it was one day.  I just never know what he's going to be going through.  And if he wants me home, I'll be home.  Just the way it is.

So next Monday he'll undergo treatment #7, and on Tuesday we'll check in with his doc.  In 3 weeks he'll have the CT's all re-done, so we can see what the C monster is up to.  Hopefully he'll sleep for a while.  

The monster, not Rob.

I am patiently (mostly) waiting for Spring, and have already started to put some of my Spring and Easter decos out and about.  Just a few.  I can't find the rest, but I know they're hiding in a tote somewhere in my quilt room closet.  I have time.  I hope.  :)

I ran to the store with my Colie tonight for a little while... so fun to be with her.  Her whole family has been sick going on two weeks now, and we've gone through withdrawal being away from each other!  They are all almost completely better now, just lingering stuffy noses, but no temps.  Yeah!  I was talking to her in the car about crazy and dumb things that run through my head all day... had her in stitches!  I told her I'm alone a lot, and I only have me and my weird thought processes.  Could be worse.  I love to see her smile, and she has the most infectious and beautiful laugh!  Love that girl of mine! ♥

Okay, so from my readings this week, here are a couple of the notes I'm keeping before me (both from Dr. Charles Stanley):

"Your reservoir of emotional and physical energy may feel nearly drained, but God's supply of spiritual stamina never runs out.  Come to Him and His Word for the strength to carry on, and He will supply the power you need to traverse the rough terrain ahead.  That's His promise, and God always keeps His promises."

"Too many of us are addicted to hurry... leaving little room, if any, for stillness.  Spend a few minutes each day in silent reflection  --  Commune with God simply by listening to the sound of your own breathing.  Hear it as a reminder that the Lord is intimately close  --  as close as the air you breathe."

Quiet me, with longer hair :)

I am woman, I am strong.  These words are helping me  --  immensely.  I pray they can help your hurt, and your searching heart, too.

Thank you for your continuing prayers for Rob, and for me.  Thank you for the support, the love, the kind words, the conversations, and the stillness.  
We love you for all of it.  

Big time.

In Love and in Peace,

Cheri ♥