Today's Oncology Appointment...

Rob had an appointment today with his oncologist  --  his pre-double-dose-chemo check-in.  

The nurse doing the blood work did a great job finding a cooperating vein with just one poke, and getting three more tubes of Rob's blood for testing.  Something happened though that was a first...  Every time Rob has gotten poked or jabbed with needles and IV's, he always grimaces.  Always!  Except for today.  He just sat there, looking in the other direction.

Something inside me froze for that moment.  And I can't even put my finger on my thoughts.  It was just noticed.

The doctor didn't keep us waiting long today.  That was nice.  Rob's blood results are showing that he is extremely anemic... to the point that if his counts fall 9/10ths of a point, he will need a transfusion.  And his doctor told us she's sure it's going to get worse.  It's from the chemo.  That dastardly poison that's supposed to be helping, when all I am witnessing are the excruciating changes in the man I see before me.

In order to try to avoid the transfusion right now, it was suggested that he agree to get an injection of Aranesp (a synthetic version of Procrit) on Thursday morning just before starting his double-blast, 7-10 hour day of chemo.

Aranesp is a drug to help his body 're-grow' it's own platelets and red blood cells.  It is only used in late stage cancer, so we're told.  It also comes with some heavy-duty side effects.  The doctor explained quite a bit about it to us both, and gave us some information to read.  Rob had to sign a form agreeing that he read the info and knows the risks involved:  that the cancer can grow faster, or he may get serious heart problems such as a heart attack, stroke, heart failure, blood clots, and that he may die sooner.  The doctor also has to sign the order, and it gets faxed into some main oncology center somewhere.

Rob seems very accepting of it all.  I'm having a hard time with all this information... Overload comes to mind.  Reality keeps trying to come close, and I keep sliding more locking bolts on the door of my soul.  I don't want all of this to be real any more.  I never did.  Sometimes it feels like we're going through all this without even being there.  It sounds crazy, I know.  But that's how it feels.  Ugly and dark and fake and real.

We spent some quiet time at home after the appointment...  Rob sleeping and perusing online favorites, as I continued to pack boxes that I picked up from Meijer just after 7am today.  I don't sleep much these days.  Too much swirling between my ears lately, and it's hard to quiet it.  So I pack.

This is just one wall, two layers deep in boxes... I've been busy. ;)

I am excited to move away from here, to start somewhere fresh, to rearrange furniture, and purge and replace things that surround us.  I find it comforting and cleansing.  I need to stay busy now.  When I stop moving, I fall alseep.  Never for long, but it keeps me from my lists, and it's aggravating at times.

I read this blog over and imagine you see stress wrapped around these words I'm typing.  But there really isn't any.  Or at least, none noticeable to me.  I am at peace.  And Rob is at peace.  We know that God has all this  --  everything  --  under control.  No matter what happens or doesn't, it will all be used for good.  

And we will learn.  For our own benefit, and for others.  To help us grow and be better.  It's all okay.

Tomorrow is scheduled to be sunny and beautiful.  Even if it decides to rain, I will be searching out the sunshine... the Sonshine.  It will be a good day.  :)

I will update after the double-blast of chemo on Thursday.  Please pray the day goes easy for Rob, and the side effects lessen, and the cancer is defeated... 

Thank you for the strength of your prayers.  

You are keeping us out of the valley. 


In Love and Washed in Peace,

Cheri ♥