My Dear Robert...

I don't get online like I used to.  Life is swallowing me up, and days are disappearing somewhere... I wish I could find them.
 
I checked my facebook page tonight and found that almost six days ago Rob posted a beautiful song on my wall with some words that touched my heart  -- The song, "Since You've Asked"  ( http://youtu.be/cYdAK9tNj1g ).

Rob's words to me:  


" For long yesterdays ago we spent together, for every year spent apart. For where and when we met again and began love anew. Because if your asking... ♥ :**: ♥ :) "

His words and the words in the song made me stop, and close my eyes as they overflowed with tears.  For a few moments, my tough exterior disintegrated and I was just the scared and lost little girl I keep tucked away so well on most days.  I have to, for fear of coming apart at the seams.

Life has given us a handful lately, and I'm so tired...

I should be sleeping right now.  Rob tried to wait up for me, but he was pulled to dreamland a while ago.  I stand and watch him as he sleeps... I wonder where the days have gone.  I wonder how he has remained so strong through all that he's had to go through.  But I know...  

God is keeping him going, keeping him positive and strong and filled with hope.  Me... I need some work.  If I let God in, he infuses me. And the world is good, no matter what.  It's just that I let the circumstances that surround me take over, even when I know I shouldn't.  It's raw energy most days that keeps me functioning when I just want to crumble up into a ball and blow away.

Rob is teaching me so much about faith through his valley walk.  That I need to have more trust and forgiveness and yes, more faith.  Sustaining faith.  I can't let fears get the better of me, or even the worst of me.  I need to stand on the promises of God... that He loves me and wants the best for me.  And He loves Rob and He wants the best for him, too.  Even if we don't understand things we go through... and maybe we never will...  we have to be okay with that, because God sees the big picture even when we don't know one exists.

I am so proud of you, Robert... You are a good man, and I don't understand why you've had to walk this journey you're on... we're on.  But I know that you are handling it all with grace and confidence and trust and patience.  God is using you to teach me (and others) much.  I am so thankful for you, my husband.

I need to sleep, I just had to empty my thoughts first.  

I will be up in about 3.5 hours, and Rob and I will be filling our day with his CT scan in the morning, and another check with the opthamologist in the afternoon to see if Rob will be able to avoid eye surgery.  He's having much difficulty with his left eye still, and is hoping it's just part of the healing process.

As always, thank you so much for your prayers.  They are keeping Rob lifted so high and happy, and they are keeping me from being swallowed up.  God is so awesome!!!  

And so are you. ♥

Thank you from the bottom of my being.

I pray God's blessings on you all, and I'll update as I can.  We won't know the CT results until we meet with Rob's surgeon a week from this Tuesday.

Good night, dear ones.
 

In heartfelt love, and washed in everlasting peace,

Cheri  ♥ 



 

Good Perspectives

Rob went back to the eye doc today for a one-week recheck...  Although his left eye is still hemorrhaging, the doc feels the laser from last week is starting to form the scar tissue he was hoping for that will keep Rob's retina from completely detaching in his left eye.  This is a good thing!  He wants to see Rob again next Monday afternoon to continue checking on the progress.  :)

Rob also has the CT scheduled for next Monday morning of his pelvic-abdominal regions.  He continues having some pain in the front of his belly and in his back (same area), and we're hoping it isn't all related.  (One day at a time, one day at a time...)

Rob is doing well, although still bothered a bit by the things happening with his vision that aren't clearing up quite as fast as he'd hoped.  He isn't wanting to think much about the blood results and upcoming CT scan.  He's been a bit more preoccupied with the thought of losing his vision.  He remains upbeat and full of his usual puns, which helps us both feel better.  He still sleeps quite a bit, but that's okay... he must need it as it seems to keep him balanced.
 
It started snowing late this afternoon while we were at the doctor's office.  We were on the sixth floor, and it was near sunset... so beautiful.  When we got back home, I took Darby outside, and it was still snowing.  It was so quiet, and sparkly... and even though a bit blustery and cold, I couldn't help feeling blessed to be in that picture.

The other morning driving in to work, the sky was a very dark, almost navy blue... storm clouds brewing.  But in those early morning hours the sun was up and shining hard on the Autumn leaves that were still attached to the trees:  vibrant oranges, crisp yellows, fiery reds.  SO beautiful!  Again, I was thanking God for putting that in front of me to remind me that even in the midst of turbulence, there are peaceful waters.  I was happy to be there at that time.

I've been spending free afternoons watching Christmas movies in my quilt room when I'm home... something I do every year starting in Autumn and going through Christmas.  I have over 300 movies, and yes, I like to watch them every year.  I like where they put me emotionally.

On Sunday afternoon I was watching a movie about a young carpenter who came into a town, helping everyone and blessing so many lives.  And I thought to myself, "How awesome would it be to have Jesus right there to talk to?" And no sooner did the thought cross my mind, that I heard in my heart, "I am always with you, always here to talk to you" as tears instantly streamed down my face.  This whole thought/experience took a matter of seconds, but it was so real and such a comfort to me.  I KNOW this, I just sometimes get so wrapped up in the ugliness of circumstances, that I don't keep my priorities straight... I don't LISTEN and I don't SEE.  I need to work harder on that, so I can live and breath in that Peace.   

I would really appreciate your continuing prayers for Rob and all that he's facing today and in the coming days.  And I'd like you to also pray for your own families, your neighbors, your friends, your co-workers...  For the woman running the register and the man picking up the trash.  For the factory workers and school teachers.  For everyone you see throughout your day.  I don't know if you really understand how powerful your prayers are...  But they have kept this loving, gentle-giant of mine in a good place regardless of what he's had to go through and what is yet to come.  And if that isn't enough evidence for you that prayer works, I don't know what is.

Last week I pulled out of the parking lot at work, crossing four lanes in rush hour to get to where I needed to be to get home, and just missed being taken out by a semi.  I know, stupid move.  I was tired, and on overload, and I just wanted to wash off work and go home.  Amazing Grace.  Wrapped in prayer.  God keeps letting me know he's near.  He keeps showing me every day in all I see and do and hear.  

Am I paying enough attention?

We all struggle at times with things going on in this imperfect world.  I am thankful though, that when I finally stop all the craziness that's swirling around in my brain, He is standing there with open arms to lift me up and rock me gently, filling me with His love and peace and strength... so I can do another day.

And for each new day I'm given, I am okay with all that is and all that is to come.

~~~~~~~~~

Oh my... it's after 2:30am and I am rambled out.  

Goodnight dear ones.  The sweetest of dreams and the best of days to you all.


In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥

Heard From Rob's Surgeon...

Very quick update:

We heard from Rob's surgeon this afternoon.  It turns out there were actually TWO bloodtest results that were high.  The one I spoke of that was over double the high normal, and another, that was 298 (normal range 0-44).

Rob's surgeon (Dr. J) is concerned, and asked us to move the December CT up to next week.  However, we are seeing Rob's eye doctor on Monday, and are keeping Tuesday open for possible eye surgery to reattach his retina.

His surgeon said two weeks would be okay, but no later.  So Rob's CT of his pelvis/abdomen is on Monday, November 18th.  We'll follow up with Dr. J on Tuesday, November 26th.  Rob pushed him for what it could mean, and yes, the concern is that it could be the cancer back.  

But I'm not going there yet.  
Not today or tomorrow.
Not until I hear different.  

We are just wanting to stay on top of things.  And we thoroughly and completely trust and respect Dr. J.  He is kind, and caring, and knows what he's doing.  So we will wait.  And pray.  A lot.

Rob has had a "dry-pulling" pain in his eye most of the day, still feeling like a stick is in there.  He's also had a low-grade headache in his "brow" area.  He slept a lot throughout the day, and didn't do much of anything per doctor's orders. :)

I'm a bit out of sorts today, not feeling the best, and I need to get some sleep... 


So I will bid you a blessed evening, sweet dreams, quiet slumber, and my grateful heart.



In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥

Updates For This Beautiful Autumn Day

May 2013

Hi there.  Me again.

Rob had his two different appointments today, and we were also hoping to hear back from his surgeon about the bloodwork results from last Friday that we don't understand.

So, here's how the day went:

We saw Rob's primary doc for a physical, and left without much more than we already knew about.  It's okay.  We like those kind of appointments.  A little more exercise and a little less sweets are in order, but aren't they for all of us?  ;)

This afternoon we saw an opthamologist recommended by Rob's brother and uncle.  We found out today, that had he waited any longer, there would have been devastating results.

I was writing non-stop as the doctor examined Rob and told us what had happened and what he found, and I won't go into all the details, because I don't know what most of it means.  But the long and short of it, is that both eyes have corneal tears, both have cataracts.  His right eye has a vitrious detachment, but it didn't pull the retina with it.  His left eye, however, is another story.  It started bothering him suddenly on Friday and this is why:  There is dense hemorraging with retinal tears and detachment.  Had he waited any longer, he would have been rushed to emergency surgery on the spot.  The doctor performed laser surgery on him in the office, hoping to forstall more surgery.  There is a fifty-percent chance he will still need surgery next week, or he may face blindness.  

Let's pray this laser today stops any further thought of that.

Rob is to be watched closely, and is to do NOTHING other than sitting around quietly and taking the dog out during the day.  No lifting, no sudden movements... nothing.  The doc is hoping the laser will form scar tissue behind the retina and stop the detachment.  The large amount of blood inside his eye will be reabsorbed by the body, but may also form scar tissue.

We will see the eye doc again next Monday afternoon, and if it's not better, or if anything unusual happens (dark cloud over the eye/his vision, large floaters, anything out of the ordinary), he will be in surgery next Tuesday.

We don't know what caused this, but ruled out damage from the chemo, which crossed our minds.  It just happened.  But God directed that paths that got Rob to where he needed to be today, and that's all that matters.

The procedure was painful, and as the anesthetic continues to wear off, the pain and headache are increasing despite the ibuprofen.  It went from feeling like a tearing in his eye from the laser to moments ago being described as "a stick that was dipped in superglue poking me in the eye."

We didn't hear back from Rob's surgeon about the bloodwork, but I left another message this morning.  I don't believe he's in the office on Mondays.  Rob and I will both be home all day tomorrow, and as I told his family tonight, if we don't hear anything by noon, you can bet I'll be on the phone calling them again!  

Mama bear is emerging from her summer's rest.  Growwwl... ;)

Wisdom from my sister's garden. ♥

Some have said to me with sadness, "When it rains, it pours."  

That's not a bad thing, because the ground gets saturated and the roots are nourished and new life emerges when it's time.  We don't always see the beauty until we see the final results, but there's lots in motion working out the details.

And we're still good with all that. :)

Love you all so much, and so thankful for each and every one of you.


In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥

 

Asking for a few more prayers... ♥

I love Autumn the best.  I love the colors God paints across the rolling horizon, I love the cooler breezes and wearing sweaters, and I love the coming holidays of home and family and snuggling inside while the wind whips ferociously outside, bringing in the longest of the seasons.  I love Autumn.

That being said, the last few days had some great moments of Autumn.  

But there are a few things we could use a little prayer-help with:

For several days, Rob has been having problems with his vision.  Blurriness, floaters that look like veins and chromosomes, and webs of black-peppery powder have been taking up most of his field of vision in both eyes.  And though there is no pain, loss of vision, or flashes of light, he has been having a very hard time.  Friday was the worst, but it's not going away.

I tried devising a patch of sorts to cover his left eye, which seems to be the worst, to give it a rest and help ease the stress, but it didn't work the best.  Today, I drove to Colie's house before breakfast and borrowed her eye patch, which Rob wore most of the day, with much relief.  We're not sure exactly what is happening, but the possibilities of diabetes involvement and retina problems are ever present in our minds.  We are seeing Rob's family doctor in the morning (today... Monday), and in the afternoon, he has an appointment with an opthamologist.  We're hoping to get this all figured out, as Rob's sense of balance and depth perception are greatly affected.

Also on Friday we received the results of the bloodwork done on Tuesday at his urologist/surgeon's office.  His blood sugar levels are on the high side, which doesn't surprise me too much since he convinced me that we needed about $20 worth of Halloween candy to pass out in an apartment building that has a locked entrance.  ;)  Needless to say, we had no trick-or-treaters, and have a very large bowl of candy that has been slowly getting smaller.  He's not going to get me to do that again any time soon.

In this bloodwork that was run, one of the things they look for in cancer patients that have undergone chemo are these special 'markers' that show up in the blood to show if there is a cancer reoccurrence beginning.

Rob's number was over double the high normal.

We're waiting to hear from Rob's surgeon on exactly what this means and what we do from here... He didn't return the call on Friday, so we will call again when they open later this morning before leaving for the family doctor.

Rob was so preoccupied with his eyes, that the realization of the blood count didn't hit home until later in the evening... he was understandably upset.  But I told him we can't worry about it right now until we know more of what it means.  I told him we can't let it ruin our night or our weekend when we don't have all the details.  I was trying to convince myself.  

When he called me at work and told me on Friday, I couldn't stop the quiet tears that streamed down my face after I hung up the phone.  Then I gathered myself together, and put on the "strong Cheri" that has learned to handle these things... on the outside, anyway.  It's hard to believe that it's been almost a year from the time we first heard that C word had invaded our lives.

So we wait, we remain hopeful, we pray, and we pray some more.

~~~

Last night as my daughter Colie and I were preparing to leave her home for a little Mommy-Daughter shopping time, her youngest little Ally hit her head on the coffee table and split open the back left side.  And though there were some tears, she is a strong and brave girl, who thought it was hilarious that the urgent care people had to glue her head back together!  She left there with a beautiful white gauze crown, and is doing great today.  :)  

Whenever I am sad or stressed or upset, I love to be around Nicole and her family... I should have named her "Joy", because that is what she spreads everywhere.  Her laugh and smile are contagious, and I feel better from the inside out whenever I am in her presence.  She is a good person through and through, and my life is so blessed with her in it.  

And our Darby-girl seems to be responding so far to the antibiotics and the new food change.  I pray that continues as well.

~~~


So those are the highlights of our last few days.   
For the most part, I want just plain Autumn again.

It's 1:35am, and Rob is doing well, just getting up from the couch as I type into the early hours of this new and delightfully cool day.  I am tired but running on raw energy, and I need to sleep.  I have to be up in about 4 hours to get the day going here.  So, as he's up now and on his way to sleep, I am going to try to do the same.  

We just want you to know, that through it all, there is that PEACE beyond understanding that comforts us... and we are so thankful for that.  For Him.

Thank you for your continuing prayers for Rob.  He can feel that he has been surrounded and lifted high by your love and caring hearts.  I can, too.  

And even with all that has been, all that is, and all that is to come, we are feeling so very blessed in this life.  We know that God sees the big picture, and as always, we're good with that. :)

Have a blessed week, dear friends.  I'll fill you in more as we find out more.


In Love and In Peace, Always and Forever...

Cheri ♥ 

 

Doctor Appointment Update

Rob's appointment today went well, and we thank you all for the prayers!  

Rob did his well-remembered 'blood letting' so his urologist/surgeon can check his blood counts and levels, and we won't get the results until next week sometime.  We meet with his regular doctor (Dr. L) next week, too, and Rob's surgeon wants us to make sure that Dr. L knows about the headaches that won't seem to leave for more than a day or two, and the extreme tiredness.  

One of the concerns we had was sort-of put to rest... at least we don't believe it's anything to worry about right now... so we won't.

We're still on for the CT scan of his pelvic and abdominal regions in about a month and a half, and will see his surgeon again the following week for those results, and possibly also be following up with the oncologist.


As for the billing issue, it may, just may, be taken care of by tomorrow.  I did have to call again, and after being transferred around, was finally able to speak with his onoclogist, who also called me back later to say she was going to handle this personally, which means a lot to us.  She is a great doctor, and has a wonderful spirit about her.  It's just the staff that is sorely lacking in organization and such.  I truly am thankful for her.

I had to call the vet early today about Darby, who took a slight downward turn again this morning.  But she's back on another round of antibiotics, and we've moved her onto a high-quality prescription dogfood made specifically for acute and chronic gastrointestinal disorders.  They say things are passing through her too quickly, and hopefully this food and the antibiotics will help.  The liver meds could take several months to work, but I was assured that the liver IS able to regenerate itself.  I am praying it does.

Rob surrounded in Autumn ♥

So that was our day.  Oh, and we grabbed some Qdoba on the way home... Rob had never eaten there before.  Colie, Mike, the girls, and I ate there in Milwaukee just before Colie's brain surgery.  Colie talked me into this big, beautiful vegetarian bean burrito that I have dreamt about ever since.  And my memories served me well... it was awesome!  And Rob, the great doubter, has a new love and appreciation for the pulled-pork variety!  LOL! :)

It was a good day, and we are hoping for more.

Thank you for praying us through this day. ♥

I'll update as I find out more, most likely in a week or so.

Have a blessed rest-of-the-week, and enjoy the treasures in each day.  
If you don't see any, make some.

In Love and In Peace, 

Cheri ♥ 

Back to Reality

Today Rob will begin seeing the doctors again.  This afternoon we will see his surgeon for a check up, and see where we go from here.  We already have bloodwork set up in November, as well as an appointment with his regular doctor.  And in December, he'll have a CT of his pelvic and abdominal regions again.  We have a couple of concerns that we hope to find answers to today, and we'll share that later.

Let me start by saying I apologize for the coming ramblings.  I have been avoiding the computer world, as it's been hard enough keeping up with the real one.  I can't seem to get a handle on reality lately.  My body and mind are not cooperating.  I work, I cook, I do dishes and laundry, I enjoy a few hours each week with my daughter and granddaughters, and I sleep.  Mostly in my chair during my favorite shows, but not much in the quiet hours when I should.  Like now.  I enjoy as much time at church as I can, for it's where I find my Strength and Peace.  And I need that real bad.  

I don't know where the time goes, but it goes nonetheless.
 
We enjoyed the lack of white lab coats for most of the summer, and are enjoying the cooler days and nights of this beautiful Autumn that's upon us.  Rob and I joined my daughter and her family at two cider mills recently, and we had a great afternoon.  My granddaughters have a way of getting Rob to laugh and play without hesitation.  They are intrigued with the changes in his body since his second surgery, and don't think twice about it being any different than anyone else.  I love that about them.  :)  By the time the afternoon was over, Rob was very tired, and slept for hours.  But it sure was great seeing him laugh and play, and enjoy life crawling through hay with the little ones.  He's a big teddybear, and they love that about him.
 

And yes, we all ate too many donuts and drank too much cider, but isn't that what Autumn is all about?  

I believe so. ;)

The bill battles continue with one of Rob's doctors, and having the day off today, I will spend part of my morning trying to get it straightened out... again.  I am tiring of the battle.  I'm sure that's what they're hoping for.

Rob still naps for hours each day, and sleeps much of the night away in front of the television.  He continues to battle headaches, and days of "just not feeling right."  But he's happy that his hair is a bit darker again, and that the curls are slowly returning.  It's the little things that count!  He's gone to bed hours ago, as I should have, but my mind is reeling tonight, and having a hard time stopping...

I haven't written anything in a while.  I miss writing.  It builds up in my brain and spills out if I don't ease the pressure now and then.  I just haven't had time, though it's a continuous stream inside.  And I haven't done any quilting or creating, either.  Anybody who knows anything about me, knows this is not me!  Creating and imagining and writing and daydreaming are a big part of who I am.  

I'm still here, just buried a bit, but searching for daylight and trying to dig my way free.

My job is going well.  And although it is still not a fit for "me", it is something I am very thankful for.  Even so, I find myself humming "white bird" quite often. ;)  Another location was robbed recently, one that a fellow trainee from my class worked at.  I don't like that possibility of this job.  I pray for protection over us.  Today my daughter and I were talking and I told her that when people are doing what we were meant to do, it won't seem like work to them.  She said she doesn't think many people find that.  Sadly, it's true.

I've seen that commercial on TV where people are asked if they could be anything they desired, what would they be?  And you see this giant "wall" filled with passions they've written, unfulfilled.  I am saddened so much by this.  So many of us have been caught up in doing what everyone else does, instead of listening to the passion God has put in our hearts... the passion to be who He created us to be, to use the gifts He's blessed us with.  So many of us just don't slow down enough, or stop the noise enough, to hear Him.  I'm trying really hard to listen these days.

Well, on the homefront, our Darby-girl is having some difficulties with her liver that we haven't been able to completely figure out yet, but I continue to try.  I have her on some natural meds that I get up at 5am each morning to give her on an empty stomach an hour before she eats.  They are supposed to help with her liver function, and later today, I'm switching her food.  She's on a top quality food now, but I'm going more natural with no added preservatives, etc., to take any burden off her liver.  I love her dearly, she is closer to me than my shadow.  I need to be able to save her.  My sister and her husband just said goodbye to their dear Max, and my daughter and her family are facing coming heartache with their Daisy.  

These days are hard ones.

Rob was able to have a "Brother Day" with his big brother Stu this weekend.  They went to an afternoon show and hung out for a while.  When they got home, Rob scared me...  I could see he was exhausted, and he did sleep for hours after the outing.  But I am so thankful they had the time together, and it was a great time. :)  It means so much to Rob.  And I loved the fact that he got out of the house for awhile, too.

When I was in high school, I remember reading a book that ended with a famous poem at the end of it.  The part of the poem that plays through my mind quite often is this:

"Where am I going?  I don't know.  What does it matter where people go.  Out to the fields where the bluebells grow... anywhere, anywhere.  I don't know."

I guess I've been searching for a while now.

Have a blessed evening, a blessed sleep, and a blessed Tuesday.  I will update the blog with anything we find out this afternoon from Rob's surgeon.

As always, we are so thankful for your prayers over the last year... through all the doctor appointments, both surgeries, the recoveries and the chemo days.  Rob wouldn't have made it to the place he is today without you.  You bless us continually, and though you don't hear from me very often these days, I pray for you all each morning.  It's my time to silently yet audibly converse with God before the crazy begins, to share my fears and frustrations, to seek guidance, to be washed in peace, and to cover you all in prayer and protection.  

You mean the world to me... to us.

And we gratefully thank you, dear ones.


In Love and So Washed in Peace...

Cheri ♥