Quiet Waiting...

Hello dear ones...

Well, this year continues to be a full one.  It sure keeps life interesting.

It's the 19th day of January already... but I am still somewhere back in October or November.  I can't keep up with this flying time lately.  I don't know where it's gone, and how it got past me so swiftly.

I sit here quietly at this moment, tree lit, listening to Sarah McLachlan, keeping me in a good and quiet and calm place.  Tomorrow is coming, and I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.

Our tree is still up.  Yes, I know, it's mid January.  But I find myself sitting in the room in the early morning hours, and the late night hours, in the glow of the tree lights... it's keeping me breathing calmly, and I continue to need that.  It may be up for a while.

Those of you following us on facebook know a bit about what happened last week, but I'll briefly fill in the others...

We went to see Rob's oncologist, Dr. B, last Tuesday.  Due to Rob's constant headaches and head pains, plus a couple of other symptoms, the whole office staff was instantly in a flurry trying to get Rob in for an emergency brain MRI.  It seems bladder cancer is known for ending up in the brain.  Dr. B said that if the MRI came back showing no masses, that cancer could still be circulating microscopically, so she would then want to admit Rob for a lumbar puncture, etc., etc., etc.  The soonest we could get in was Wednesday night, and the receptionist told the nurse who told the doc, who called us back to her office.  She said we absolutely should not wait the extra day, but rather go to the ER and wait for them to fit us in.  

That was it for Rob.  Never mind the fact that his immune system is shot and he is anemic, and would be sitting in a cesspool of germs at the ER.  Or that we had a puppy in a kennel at home waiting for dinner.  

Rob told her, "No."  

She said waiting could make the difference of treatment working or not.  Rob told her he would sign a paper that would not hold her responsible.  Neither of them was very happy at that moment.  Rob told her he will live like he wants, and die like he wants.  So, we went home, on standby at four hospitals to get a sooner appointment.  Finally just before dinner time on Wednesday, we got a call to go in a half hour earlier, at 8:20pm.

The brain MRI did not show any masses...  something about the white matter, but we'll get details on that tomorrow.  As for the lumbar puncture, Rob said he's not going to do it right now.  End of that chapter.  He gets to have the last say on that.


Yesterday afternoon and evening I spent with my Grandbabies... reading, enjoying my famous scrambled eggs (according to my Granddaughters), and watching one of my favorite movies.  Benjamin was crying a bit, most likely sensing my apprehension of this coming week, but he had more smiles than tears, and that made for a happy heart in me.  He is growing so fast, and is so alert.  Amazing to watch this beautiful life unfold before my eyes. And my Granddaughters continue to bless my life, too.  Daily!  Hourly!

So back to now...

Rob is doing okay.  He is very pale, immune system shot, still experiencing bad headaches/head pain, tired, more frustration showing than normal, and just not himself.  Understandably.  We realized he not only lost most of his hair (there are just long wisps covering the skin), but his eyebrows are almost gone, too!  It didn't affect the beard or mustache, though the hair is much thinner on his arms and legs.  Very strange, this poison they filled him with.  He told me he is just tired.  Tired of being sick and dealing with everything.  I understand.  He's been handling it all like a champion fighter.

Today we went to Beaumont and had the CT's done on Rob's chest, pelvis, and abdomen.  Dr. B ordered them STAT as well, so we will have the results when we go to see her tomorrow afternoon.  These will tell us whether this second line chemo worked or not.  If the masses are the same or smaller, she said that is good.  Larger, that is bad.

I told Rob on the way home that I was happy we were getting the results tomorrow rather than having to wait the normal week for answers.  This way, we don't have to live a torturous seven days of "what if's" and pensiveness.  

We are going to relax tonight, watch some television or read some books, and just let it all go until tomorrow.  Tomorrow will determine much.  It will determine which direction our steps will go from this point on.

Quick Riley update:
He is over 44 pounds now, 6 months old, nicknamed, "Wildman."  Fitting.  I have lots of work to do in my spare time!  LOL!  We're told he'll have his height by 9 months, and fill out in size by 12 months.  Yikes! ;)  I do love this boy who turns into a snuggler at night. (Rob says he's a kicker and shifter... not on my side! LOL!)

I will be doing a short update tomorrow night with whatever we find out.

I can't tell you how much we love you all, how much we feel your prayers around us, lifting us higher than we can imagine.  It's hard to keep tears from my eyes when I tell you how grateful we are for all of you.  God has blessed us for sure.

I will be praying lots.  In the light of the tree. 

http://youtu.be/oab9giH2cG0
(Amazing You Tube video I love... This song is one of my all time favorites, speaks to my heart with beats so hard... it grips me strong.)


In Love and Completely Wrapped in Peace,

Cheri  ♥ 

Last Scheduled Chemo Jan 2015

I greet you with a hearty hello in this new year!

Rob and I pray you had a safe New Year's celebration, filled with lots of smiles and happy memories. :)  

We are hoping you are NOT experiencing the frigid cold temps that we are.  If you are, we feel your pain!  Brrrrr!!!  Frigid is not even a cold-enough description!

Our New Year has been, well...  it's been interesting!

Rob woke up in the late morning to a very bloody nose  --  everywhere, and lots.  To be expected I guess, because the apartment is dry, and all his blood counts are down, causing him to bleed easily.  So we got everything cleaned up, and spent the day quietly home.  It was a blessing.  And mostly uneventful.  Mostly...

I got this brilliant idea that I would cut my hair and fix what I didn't like about it... I think it's a control issue. ;)  Anyways, the long and short of it (short being the more powerful word here), I paid to get it fixed four days later.

Why four days later, you ask?

On January 2nd at about 3am, our phone rang and minutes later I ran out the door to watch my grandbabies as my son-in-law, Mike, rushed Nicole to the ER.  Turns out her gall bladder was extremely enlarged and badly infected, thanks to two previous doctors not listening to her tell them she didn't feel good and had horrible stomach aches and a pain in her side.  So after a couple of IV antibiotics, surgery, and a balancing act with her heart, BP, and other meds, she is home and healing.  Praise God for these blessings!

I was blessed to be able to care for the children during the day times, calling Rob to make sure he was okay throughout the days.  Mike came home in the evenings so I could go home, then we repeated it until Nicole convinced the staff she could go home late Sunday.  :)

That's when I got my hair fixed.  Well, not until after the battery died in our car...  but Mike saved the day and not only went and picked up the new one, but installed it, all done in a flash!  Another blessing!

~~~~~~~~~
 
So yesterday Rob had his last scheduled chemo of this second-line treatment.  Only one poke (blessing), and rather a quick stay, even though we had a slow start.  All of Rob's red counts (RBCs, hematocrit, hemoglobin) are well below the normal low, his platelets are teetering close to the low end, and his WBCs have dropped down below the normal low.  We have to be very careful about exposure to any sickness/illnesses, and he has to be VERY careful not to cut himself, can't even shave right now.  Okay with me.

Next Tuesday we will revisit his oncologist, who I am sure will rerun the battery of CTs, xrays, and bloodchecks.  We are going to have her try to do the brain scan as well, hopefully at the same time as the other scans, as Rob's headaches do not stop.  He is in pain all the time, sometimes very intense pain where he scrunches up his face and holds his head with both hands pressing tight.  It even makes me hurt.  But doubling the pills has helped to take the edge off when they are intense, so that, too, is a blessing.

Riley is loving the snow, but not liking the cold on his feet when it's sub-zero out there.  I am trying to explain to him why I cannot continue to carry him back to the warmth of our apartment, now that he is over the 40 pound mark, and still growing.  Ahh, always a puppy at heart though. ;)  He and Gypsy are getting along much better.  Most of the time.  She has to stop running, though, because he becomes a Greyhound chasing a rabbit track, and that doesn't go over well in our apartment.  Good thing his body is giving as it bounces off the walls!  But he is happy and enjoying his days, as Gypsy is hers... another blessing for two rescued members of the family.

Some may say that 2015 is off to a bad start on our end, but I would have to disagree wholeheartedly.  

Things happen in life...  sometimes good things, and sometimes bumpy things.  But with every bump and valley, we are lifted back to our feet, as God continues to bless us through so many ways...  our friends and family, time off work, medications that help, support in the very moment we need it (whether financially, spiritually, or emotionally), encouraging words, and the list goes on and on.  

Example:  Last night after getting home from chemo, Rob always goes in and goes to bed because he feels so awful.  I was taking care of Riley, getting things put in order, and talking to Nicole on the phone to see how she was doing and update her on our day.  I hadn't had lunch or dinner, and told her I was just going to snack on cheese and crackers because I was so tired.  As we were talking, my doorbell rang... 

Nicole said, "It's Mike."  
I said, "Why is he here?"
She said, "You'll see. :)"

We hung up, I buzzed the main door, and when I opened our door, there stood Mike with two plates filled with the most delicious warm food for us!  A blessing!  And in a flash, he was gone.  

After getting our wild-child under control and enjoying a delicious meal, I called to thank Mike.  He instead thanked me "for being me."  I started to cry.  (Yeah, my heart leaks quite often these days.)  I wonder if he realizes what a blessing he has always been in my life...♥

I believe this year will continue to be filled with blessings!  And as much as I'll cry, or hurt, or not understand, I pray I will always remember to stop and quietly step back, and just soak in all the blessings that surround me.  Surround us.  All of us.  So I can keep my perspective. And know I am loved. 

Our time here is so limited, so precious, and I want to enjoy it for all it's worth.  

That's my goal for this year:  To enjoy *life*.  

With asterisks!!!

I'll be back in a week or so with test updates, probably a week or so after that with the findings.  

Good or bad, 
big or small;
God gives blessings, 
to handle it all.

In love and wrapped in His peace,

Cheri ♥

Just a side-note reminder:  I am not able to comment to comments here on the blog... not sure why, but it doesn't work.  But I do listen!
And for those that send me FB private messages, I do not have the Messenger App to see them, and am unable to check online from my tablet (what I'm usually on).  Once I get on my main computer at home, I can catch up, so be patient with me, and know I'll respond when I get back here.  I love and appreciate you all more than you know!  Thank you for blessing my life so. ♥

Wrapping up 2014

First of all, we pray you had a blessed Christmas and Hanukkah, and are preparing for a safe, happy, and healthy New Year!

Love these girls!

Our Christmas turned out to be beautiful and interesting. ;)
Rob was having a pretty bad day, and on top of that, my granddaughters were both still running fevers, so we had to keep them separated.

I went to their house early for breakfast and to see them open their gifts.  Then I was home at 11am-ish to get the turkey on.  Back to their house at 2pm for snacks and gift opening from us.  Back home at 4pm to get the rest of dinner on.  At 6pm, Nicole's hubby, Mike, brought over their portion of the feast, and I packed up our portion for their family, and we all celebrated together but in two different homes!  Rob and I sat quietly and watched Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol as we ate (yes, my friends, it was his choice!).  We had a delicious pumpkin pie from Colie and family, and I was done cleaning up by about 8:30pm, and fast asleep in my chair thereafter.

Made by Ally for Mr. Rob so he felt better.

Rob getting lots of nuts and snacks.

Riley enjoying his new toys... in an innocent moment. ;)

The smiles and happy hearts did my soul good that day, and all the blessings that were bestowed on us, too.  I love you all. ♥

I stayed home on Friday waiting to hear back from Rob's oncologist on whether we had to head to the ER or not...  praying it was the "or not" and it was (thank you).  However, strict orders that if pain returned, we had to go.  Rob was already very unhappy that I called her, and I'm sure, whether the pain returned (returns) or not, I will never know in his words.  But I have learned to hear him in his actions.  And I watch all the time.

Yesterday we said goodbye to what remained of the long, wavy locks of hair that trailed down his back.  We're hoping they return some day.  He has lost a bit more of the hair on top, a bit of color, and his red blood counts are still below normal (though up a bit from last week, if that means anything).  His WBC count remains the same, however those immature cells in the marrow continue to rise.  We'll check with the doc on that when we see her again.

The best thing about chemo days.

His headaches will not cease.  A 7 or 8 out of 10 is a good day for him.  He says his head hurts all the time, but the instantaneous onset of intense pain hits out of the blue, almost knocking him off his feet as he winces in pain and grabs the wall to steady himself.  I hate to see that much hurt in him.  And he gets understandably angry, too, especially when I call the doc when I worry.  I am hoping that deep down within him, he knows it's just because I care, and not just that I'm opposing his wishes.  I know one thing, I am developing a thicker skin.  Well, sort of.  It still stings a bit, but I hold back the tears okay.  And sometimes I even get angry back.  I don't like that part. :(


Today was the last chemo treatment of this year.  Just one more scheduled in the new year (next Monday) then the following week we will see Rob's oncologist.  We expect she will order the battery of CT's and bloodwork and x-rays to see what the chemo has/hasn't done with these then seven treatments he will have undergone once again.  If we have learned nothing else, we have learned to be patient, to wait, not to jump ahead of the results.  So, we will practice this patience as well as we can, and we will just wait.
 

The start of today's treatment.

As the day went on...

He insists on taking off his shoes, but at least wears these!

This is becoming too normal.

So happy that he sleeps through the worst of it each week.

Our New Year's Eve/Day celebration will be spent quietly at home, maybe watching a movie or two, or me staying busy as Rob sleeps.  He continues to tell me that he likes to sleep, because it's during those sleep times that he doesn't hurt. So, sleep, dear Rob.  Sleep and be pain-free.

Me?  I'm making progress on piles, I am finishing up my Christmas movies ;) , and working on my newest 'list' of things to do now that I've completed the gift list.  Thanks to my beautiful family, I have many books to read and study and browse  --  all about quilting and business and being independent in my thinking, and being strong, building self-worth.  Lots I want to soak in.  

Plus, in the photo here, a funny gift from my brother who has a great sense of humor.  I love "Everybody Loves Raymond!"  Those who love it, too, will understand. :)

LOL! :)

We continue to be blessed by your prayers and love... they honestly keep us going on those days when we don't think we can. 

Be safe out there in all you do, and bring in a happy and healthy new year.  Make a choice to do the right thing always, to listen to that Still Small Voice, to do good wherever you can, whenever you can, and to pay all good things forward.

We love you all.  

In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥ 
 

Round Two, Second Line Chemo, Day One

Hello. :)

I haven't been back for over a week, because nothing earth shattering happened.  Good news!

Rob had last week off chemo after finishing his first round.  These chemo treatments are referred to as "second line chemo"...  the doctors' "second try" at going after the nasty C monster, because the first try didn't work back in 2013.

So, since November 17th, Rob has completed four weeks (one round) of second-line treatment like a champ, as most people don't make it to 4 weeks because of their numbers.  For round two, he is only scheduled to undergo three treatments.  On the fourth week, we'll see his oncologist again, and he'll get ready for the pokes and prods and CT scans to see what these second line treatments have done on the cancer.

With the week away from the chemo, Rob's WBC's went up 1.5 units, which is not much at all, but it took him to just over the low end of normal.  We'll take it!!!  We know that will change, but it was nice to see, nonetheless.  All of his RBC numbers (three in all), remain below normal, and his platelets have continued to fall  --  but again, they are still within the low normal area.  I am feeling a little concerned about the immature granulocytes being above normal again, but we'll talk to the doc about that when we see her.

Last week we used the "non-chemo day" to go see Rob's surgeon.  We shared concern about Rob having had to go through another CT and the biopsy after he told us he didn't want to put Rob through that.  His doc shared with us that he and the oncologist talked over Rob's case after he saw us, and their choices were to either try the chemo again and see what happens, or do nothing so his remaining time wasn't spent sick from the chemo.  When I got home and thought about that statement, it was as if someone slapped me in the face.  I guess I didn't realize we were at that point of decision yet.

Currently, Rob is dealing with a myriad of symptoms...

His hair is there, though a mere fraction of what it was.  But it IS still there so far!  His voice remains raspy (especially after treatments), he seems to lose his balance (grabbing for the wall), is understandably angry at times, suffers constant headaches, and sleeps a lot.  A lot.  When I said something to him about that the other day, he said when he's sleeping, he doesn't hurt.  *sniff*

I have had to stay home with him a handful of times so far, and was even called home last week because he was not doing well at all.  That call scared me.  I barely remember the drive home.

Your continued prayers are so appreciated, as Rob is dealing with horrible head pain that doesn't stop.  More of the stronger meds still aren't making it go away.  But he doesn't want me to call the doc again yet (even though the oncology nurse today suggested we do just that).  So I sit quietly and watch.  I find that I watch his chest as he sleeps when I check on him.  Just making sure, you know?  Just making sure.

When we got home tonight, Rob slept for a good three hours.  When he awoke, he came out and said, "This one has hit me real bad."  It's amazing how looking into his eyes can hurt so much.

We are looking forward to Christmas, to celebrating with family, to fellowship, food, laughter, smiles, happy memories, and to refocusing on the season of the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ.  And even though Rob has not felt the best, he has carried on the tradition of lighting the Hanukkah candles each night, because even though he is a Believer, he is still Jewish by family, and proud of his heritage.

We thank you for every thought and prayer and blessing sent our way.  You have no idea what a positive impact you have made on our lives, how much strength you have given us, and how humbled we are to have you as friends of the heart.  Thank you is hardly enough.  You have touched us deeply.

We grieve with our friends who have suffered loss this year, and wish we could hold and comfort you all longer than we have.   In our hearts, we never let go.  And we will continue to wrap you in prayer.  

Together we wish you all a very blessed season, good health and happiness, the love of family and friends, and a coming year filled with all things good.  And even if there are a few bumps along the way, even a walk through the valley... we pray you grow through the experience, that your character is strengthened, and that you seek the comfort and peace that only He can offer.

Merry Christmas, and may God bless us, everyone!


In Love and Wrapped in Peace,

Cheri (and Rob)

  ♥

Chemo 2 - Last Day, Round One

Good evening, dear ones.

Rob was very happy today to know that next week there is NO chemo scheduled!  They are giving him a rest before starting Round Two on the 22nd.
 

A bit blurry and black & white... today's mood.

It was a bad head pain day to start for Rob.  He is moving a bit slower these days, battling an almost constant headache that stops him in his tracks.  The stronger meds are helping, PTL.  He's sleeping a bit more, but that's to be expected.

Today's chemo treatment was pretty uneventful, which is always a good thing for us!  

First IV try didn't work due to an uncooperative vein.  But the good ol' right arm is holding strong, and he was hooked up in no time at all.  Rob gets one oral drug, and three IV drugs.  IV one made him a bit nauseous.  By IV two, he was sleeping, and he slept through IV three.  No bad pain, no changing IV drips... it was a decent day!  We were there for a little over 3.5 hours today, which is great compared to Chemo 2012  --  7-8 hour stints.

Rob's blood counts continue to drop, his platelets are holding within low-normal limits, but his immature granulocytes are up above normal.  Something we'll need to keep a handle on.  His temp was also a bit elevated, as it has been for a couple of days.  We have to be tighter on keeping him away from people and germs, as his immune system is VERY compromised right now.

We usually go out to eat on our birthdays, and as mine is approaching, we will be ordering a carryout and sharing it at home instead this year.  That's okay...  it's more comfortable anyways to be home. :)  We want to keep him out of public places other than going to medical appointments, and we are being very careful when we do that.  Although, with this continuing low-grade fever, we obviously need to try harder. :(  

The face of restful peace amidst much...

Rob's long, wavy locks are falling out every day... every time he touches them, in fact.  Always a little upsetting to find little handfuls in the shower, and in his brush.  But as for now, his head is still covered and we are thankful for that.

I'd like to get Rob in to see his surgeon before the end of December to check on a thing or two, but not sure Rob will cooperate.  He's tired of white coats and needles, and I can't really blame him.  I'm tired, too.  The last few years have been a blur, a flurry of emotions, tears and anger and so much more. 

Regardless of it all, we are thankful for many things...  the love and support of our families, the uplifting words from our friends, the roof over our head, the food to eat, the money for bills, the kindnesses and well wishes....  for a warm place to sleep, and gas for the car... and so much more.  Yes, the road is a bit bumpy lately, but we're still able to jump some of the cracks, and we are forever grateful for so much.

Me watching and waiting.
♥

We don't know what the future holds, or how long the future is, but in reality, none of us do.  

So be thankful for today, for what you have, for the things God has protected you from and led you to.  We learn and grow from every circumstance.  And we can be strong through whatever tears may come, for they will last but a short time.  Our smiles will return when we focus on the joy in the memories that will always be deep within.  

And on the blessings that will continue...

I will update before Rob starts round two of treatments if there are changes that can't wait.  Otherwise, I'll just update after he starts "round two" on December 22nd.

I was in a B&W mood, too.

Enjoy whatever season you're in.  

We are.  :)

Happy almost winter!!!  Brrr!!!


In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥

Thankful... Every Day.

Let's start off by saying we hope you had a very blessed Thanksgiving!  

Brother Stu, Rob, Sister Holly

Michael and Benjamin

Nicole, Izzy, and Ally

Benjamin

Jason, a very tired sinking-down-into-the-couch Rob, and Stu

Not enough words to say how Izzy and Ally ADORE Miss Holly!

We were honored to be able to celebrate with family from both sides all in one home, and it was a nice time for all.  Rob joined us for dinner and a little conversation, then went back home, as we are trying to keep him away from people and out of the public as much as possible as he continues with his chemo treatments.  Besides, he still tires pretty easily, and wears down fast.

Yesterday morning, Rob called to me as he finished his shower.  I went in and he set a handful of hair in my hand.  The exchanged glance we shared said it all.  It has started, though we both hoped it wouldn't.  He wanted me to name today's blog, "Hello Darkness My Old Friend..." for lots of reasons.  But a thankful reminder just sounded better.

Yesterday was Day 3 of chemo since the cancer returned.  Rob has one more treatment next Monday, then a week of rest, then another 3 weeks of treatment before doing another CT scan to see what effects the chemo has had on the cancer.  

Rob's blood work, all the red counts, remain below normal.  His platelets remain near the low level of normal, as does his white blood cell count, making him very susceptible to infection.  This is why we continue to ask people to stay away for now, especially if there is any inkling of sickness in your circle of people.  Thank you for respecting that. 

Day 3 started out pretty good...  IV went in with one try, and we were expecting smooth sailing.  However, Rob was having pain, and they re-started a new IV in the other hand.  He gets a total of four drugs, with the actual chemo being the last given.  Once the actual chemo IV bag went up, the pain that Rob was in was very apparent, and they had to stop the infusion, re-start the IV between his wrist and elbow area, and from that point on, it was good.  A port may be in the future if he has to continue with chemo long term, and depending on how his veins hold up.  As of now, he does not want one.

 

So he left with lots of bandages again... not the first time.  Not anybody's fault, just the way his veins are reacting again.  The nursing staff in the short-stay unit is superb, and it's so nice to be greeted with smiles from familiar faces when we arrive each time.  They make the situation better for us, and we are thankful for that, too.

Today we saw Rob's oncologist, Dr. B.  She said Rob is doing well, and she was able to give him some tougher drugs to handle the head pain and headaches he has been experiencing.  She wanted to do a brain scan and lumbar puncture, as she was concerned about the cancer spreading to his brain, and the area around the brain, which she said is common.  (Another thing we knew nothing about.)  However, Rob put his foot down and asked, since he didn't start having the pain real bad until beginning chemo, if we could just slow down and monitor it for awhile before jumping into more tests.  

He's getting tired of all of it.  And angry.  I completely understand, though it's hard being on the receiving end when I'm trying so hard, too.  
Let it go, right?  

Let it go.

I missed a couple of days of work last week because Rob wasn't feeling the best, so my FMLA countdown has begun.  I start my regular work week tomorrow, so we'll see how he's doing.  He seems okay tonight, but we've learned that things can change hour by hour.

This pic is right-side-up everywhere but my blog compose!

All of the families are doing well, including our little Riley, who is now 20 weeks old and filling out well!  There's still some concern with a health issue, but we're monitoring him for a month.  He's a big boy!  We really have to work on "off" and "come," but other than that, he is doing really well.  I need to socialize him LOTS, as he gets too excited when he sees ANYTHING that moves!  LOL!




Count your blessings, love the ones you're with, help those around you in need, and be open to being used by God.  Sometimes it's hard, but always, it's worth it as we grow into who He created us to be.  So much better than anything we can do on our own.  Believe me.  I know this.

In love and in peace,

Cheri  ♥