In Flight... The Days

Three months have come and gone.  

The snow is on reprieve and the hot, humid days have shown face... and it's still Spring!  I hope this isn't a taste of what we're in for this summer.  
I know, I know... it's better than snow.  
But at least when it's cold you can snuggle under a warm blanket or take a hot bath.  When you're hot, it's just plain HOT.  
Hard for this Autumn girl to go through summers. *wink*

On to the "Rob update" as promised...

As you may remember from the February CT, the majority of Rob's cancer cells/areas were growing, but his doctor didn't know how fast.  So she wanted us to wait and have Rob re-do the CT in May.  He did.

The results came in showing that it has continued to grow, some doubled in size, but because it is not REALLY fast growing, and because it isn't near any vital organs, she and Rob decided to wait another three months and do the CT again.  The oncologist's hope is to keep Rob away from the chemo treatments as long as possible so he is as strong as possible to fight this beast when it's time to fight.  She gave us a list of symptoms to watch out for and sent us on our way.

So we have a continued chemo vacation throughout the summer, and will return to the doctors and tests, and pokes and prods, in August.  It's strange how routine it has become to drive to Beaumont Hospital, how we know our way around there so well, know the nurses, the nooks and crannies and short-cuts and best places to park.  I already knew it well from the many trips with my daughter, but now Rob knows it well, too.  Sad.  But good.

Rob continues to sleep and rest, play around on the computer and chat with his friends.  He listens to his YouTube music, different themes different days.  Watches all his old TV shows and talks of days gone by.  He's happier living in the past when the world was controllable to him, than to deal with the reality of the present each day.  I understand that.  He continues to try to control the headaches and pains, and really doesn't want to talk about "it" at all.  Or anything else medically-related.  

I understand that, too.

He looks tired, he gets confused, he gets angry, then in the blink of an eye he's laughing at Barney in daily reruns of Andy Griffith.  He keeps the fluids filled in my car so I can get around safely, and he does work around the house to help.  

Life is going okay.

In 19 more days I start a new job.  I am with the same company, but am moving to an office much closer to our apartments.  Three miles away, in fact.  I am moving from part-time to full-time, which I'm not so sure I should be doing right now, but the opportunity presented itself, and all prayers pointed that way.  I applied on a Thursday, was called Friday for an interview the following Monday, and hired first thing Tuesday morning.  I believe it is the right decision for me.  

With this location, I can come home for lunches to check on Rob when he gets worse, and to take care of Riley.  Rob will only be alone for 4-5 hours at a time, so hopefully I won't have to lose so much time from work like I did when he was in such bad shape from the last rounds of chemo.  I was thankful to have the time off work and have my job protected, but I lost a lot of pay, too... We were so thankful to loved ones who helped us through those days, but it's hard to stay afloat when more is going out than coming in.  So many people find themselves in this same place, and it's hard and sad and unexpected.  But you just do what you have to do.  Hopefully I won't have to miss as much time from work being closer to the apartment.  Rob is pretty indifferent about it all, because it's dealing with things he doesn't want to deal with at this time.  

That's okay.

As for me... I have become elusive in the electronic world.

I can't tell you when I last watched a television show in the evening.  I avoid Social Media as much as possible, and only check in occasionally.  My daughter Nicole and I message back and forth when we need to, and when I'm not able to see her and the children, I relive her days through pictures on Instagram  --  so much less invasive and more private.

I am saddened at the way society has become.  

Customers come to me at work and never even acknowledge me or stop talking or texting on their phones.  When I ask if I can help them with anything else, they shoot me a distasteful look for having interrupted their "conversation."  I was driving down the road the other day and there was a father on the sidewalk with his beautiful, curly-blonde-haired toddler.  She was just standing there next to a little bike with training wheels while Daddy was texting on his phone.  Really???  I don't get it.

I don't want to be one of those people.  

I don't want to be standing with someone when we're having a conversation that is very important to me, and have them get a text and then turn their attention there instead, then answer it.  Ouch!  And everyone at work has phones on their desks and they text all day long.  Why?  I don't get it.

Why is being in touch and telling everyone everything you do more important than living in the moment, in the real world?  More important than talking meaningfully to someone who is right in front of you?

I need the quiet.

That's when I hear the voice of God in my heart.  It's in the quiet.  That's where His peace is, and He wants us to have that. I need that.  I can't think with all the noise and pressures and the who-has-whats and still be able to hear His voice.  And I need to hear Him for direction, for guidance, for decision making, and for the peace that passes all understanding.

I come home from work, and I retreat to my quilt room... my sanctuary.  Some days I watch dvds, sometimes I listen to music, sometimes I read.  I go through a lot of piles that never disappear, and I fall asleep over and over again with ink-trails on papers and pages, until I drag my sleepy self to bed.

Time is so precious.  So is the quiet.  And I need them both.  I am a deep thinker, and I need to keep my mind in a slower gear so there's no overheating.  That's never good.

So you won't see me very often on FB or hear from me too often through email, but I am here.  I am dealing with life as I know it, the best that I can.

I want my quiet.  I want my down time.  I need it.  I don't want to be plugged in to everyone and everything at my disposal.  I don't want to keep up.  

I just want to live.

Okay... I am stepping down off my soap box now...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There has been so much happening with medical concerns for my daughter, my granddaughter, and a few things with myself, that I have lost track of days and times altogether.  I should be in a state of overwhelming overload, but I am stilled and filled with peace...

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul;

He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I fear no evil, for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You have anointed my head with oil;

My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

(Psalm 23, NASB) 

We can't always see the goodness and the mercy in our present or our future, but we can look back and see everywhere the Lord's hand has been at work.  
We just need to be patient as He works all things for our good.

I have everything I will ever need.  It is a free gift.  
And it's the source of my strength.
 
And I'm good with that. :)

Have a blessed, and a peace-filled summer.  I will be back to update you more on Rob and I in late August.

In love, and most importantly, in peace... 

Cheri ♥

(*All photos in this blog post are stock photos.)

Groundhog Day...

I am shocked.
I am back when I said I would be back. :)

Christmas, 2015

Rob had his CT last week, and this past Tuesday we saw his oncologist.  She, Dr. B, told us that some of the lymph nodes are a bit smaller, but the majority of them have grown.  However, not grown to the point of her wanting to start treatment, if that makes any sense.  

This is what she shared with us...
Dr. B would be concerned if they had doubled in size, which they have not.  So she believes it is growing slowly.  She said she could be wrong, because it may have just started growing.  (It was only just under 5 months since the last CT.)  Rob is scheduled to re-do the CT in a couple of months (May 9th).  That will either show much more growth, slow growth, or no change...

If it's much more growth, then Dr. B will get Rob onto a treatment plan.  Her goal is to keep him away from chemo as long as possible, because that will make the previous chemo drugs available to effectively use on him again, rather than trying something new.

His liver seems to have responded well to treatment, so that is another plus for coming chemo treatments.  Hopefully it will remain that way. :)
Dr. B explained to us that Rob's cancer is incurable, but that treating it has become an "art" and they are able to manage it much longer than in previous years.  Initially they gave him about 1-1/2 - 2 years or so.  It's going on 3-1/2, so he's feelin' pretty good about that!


Rob was quite happy when we left, having stomped reality down a few steps.


Daily routines haven't changed much for Rob... lots of pain and napping still, but his friends and his computer keep him happy during awake times.  Thankfully he managed not to catch the bouts of winter sicknesses I've brought in --  Hard to work with the public, and love on your grandchildren, and not come down with the sniffles and flu.  A few times. :)
 

November 2015

                                            ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 


Some days I feel like I'm living in the movie, "Groundhog Day", and I keep trying to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be learning in all this.  Life now seems like forever, and it doesn't change.  Not sure how to handle it other than to keep on keepin' on, being patient, and praying LOTS.  I wake up exhausted and wonder how I can do it again... and find that He lifts me, and clothes me in His armor, and sends me out again. 


Protected.  Covered.  Strengthened.  Infused with new life.  Carried through the valleys, and up and down the rocky walls of days.
(Thank you, Jesus ♥)

I have sold furniture and de-cluttered in a major way (thank you SO much, sweet Colie!) and am living a much lighter, cleaner, simpler life with less.  I like it.  Our lease will be up the end of May and I am already getting the itch to move on.  Probably won't, but I like the thought of change.  To anywhere.

Sometimes I feel swallowed up in a work world of black suits and heels, but if you peek under my outer hair, you will see a small little braid hiding there... one that I craft every morning, and have been for awhile now.  It's my little attempt at keeping the "me" I remember alive.  The easy-going, free-spirit that's in hiding.  That old hippie-chick that loved music... the good music that gets down deep in your soul, and loved the quiet and loved walks in the woods, funny-word plays, and creating something from nothing.  
She'll be back someday, I'm sure of that. :)
 

Onward, Ho...
So, we have another couple of months of reprieve, breathing space, a touch of normalcy.  We'll take what we can get. :)

I continue to thank you for your prayers... you have blessed my life, our lives, more than you'll ever know.  Some of you I've known all my life, others since grade school, others from my wild and crazy teens, and yet others from my "grown-up" years.  I am so glad, so thankful, that we have all crossed paths in this lifetime.

Pending anything that comes up before, I will be back in mid May for sure to update you on Rob's next CT.  At least by then hopefully the snow and cold will have subsided.  

But, it is Michigan... :)

In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥

Blustery Winds and Quiet Minds

I don't even know where to begin.
The beginning was so long ago now.

It's hard to believe it's been over six months since I've really written anything down.  I write in my head all the time... but haven't found those quiet moments to actually get it out.

It is freezing and snowy and icy outside, though the howling winds and swirls of clustered flakes have stilled.  So pretty in the night hours...

Life has been busy and still, if that's even possible.  I feel like I spend time on the outside looking in.  Into my life.  Our life.  Lost out there a lot in that space between breathing and suffocating.  But I find my way back now and again.

Rob has been on a "chemo holiday" for quite some time now.  At the last check, the cancer was still there, but the chemo was putting him into liver failure, so his docs put a stop to it, and worked on the liver for awhile.  

We went in to see Rob's surgeon in late Autumn and he was very happy to see Rob.  He said he would check up on us to see how Rob was now and then when he didn't see us.  He's a good and caring man, kind, compassionate... he talks openly and clearly, never rushes us, will sit and draw me pictures to explain things so I understand clearly.  He has made this pathway we're on better, and we are grateful for him.

July 2015

He told us that Rob has made it longer than he had expected, and we all rejoiced over that. :)  Rob is like the EverReady Bunny... takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'.  Very cool. :)

Rob still wakes up in bad pain and takes meds every day to help him tolerate that, he still naps long and often, and enjoys just being home  --  discussing the day's current news and the past with his cyber friends that give him strength and reason.  He enjoys his funnies and his music, and all is good.  

There have been days on and off when Rob had aches and pains and changes when I tried to convince him that we should go see someone, but he said, "No."  I am not going to fight him.  I just say, "Okay."  Times of anger and confusion, but also times of silly jokes and smiles.  I spend a lot of time hidden away in my Quilt room, with lots of plans and ideas, but I fall asleep more than I accomplish things.

Rob doesn't like me to share pictures much anymore.  Maybe someday he will let me do that again.  If you saw pictures from early last year when he was undergoing second-round chemo  --  just before they pulled him off of it  --  you would have shared in my tears.  I thought for sure we were going to lose him.  But God had other plans...  He wasn't done with Rob yet.  *smile*

It's been nice not rushing from one doctor and/or treatment to another, week after week.  This "chemo holiday" has been a blessing in disguise for our mental states.  Toward the end of January things will start to change for us again...

Rob will be seeing the liver specialist to see how his liver has been affected by treatment, and then he'll be getting bloodwork a couple of times in early February.  On February 22nd, as long as all is okay, he will have the CT's redone on his chest, abdomen, and pelvis to check on the C monster.  We will see his surgeon the following week for the results, and his oncologist the next day for her take on everything.  The rest of the year will depend on what we see on paper and hear in their offices.  We will be patient and wait.

All this uncertainty with the over-hanging certainty has been heavy to carry for all of us, so being able to pretend for a few months that we were living a pretty normal life has been nice.  Now it's getting closer to being in view again, and we aren't quite done vacationing yet, such as it is.  But we are strong, and we are lifted in your prayers, and confident that God has this all under control.

Other updates of note...

* My daughter, who many of you know has Chiari and the myriad of medical conditions associated with it, passed out while camping with her family in mid summer, and ended up with a concussion.  This caused many of her symptoms to worsen and she has had so many days filled with excruciating pain and dizziness... And was later diagnosed with post-concussion syndrome, the effects lasting a year or so.  My heart breaks for all she has gone through, and continues to go through.  But she is strong, and she is a Warrior, and she is faith-filled and on fired for Christ, and she won't let Chiari take away her daily life, so she pushes on.  I am so proud of her, so inspired by her, so blessed by her.  And I am so thankful that God chose me to be her Mother, because I've come to know most about who He is through her.  ♥

* Then there's me. 

I am not a big doctor fan ever since the car accident in 1989 in West Bloomfield.  I got real tired of being shuffled from doctor to doctor as they poked and prodded and tried to unscramble me.  I believe this accident is what made Nicole's Chiari more pronounced, and left me with a closed head injury and two years of retraining therapy to function normally.  I deal with it everyday still, though others around me don't notice so much.  They just think I'm quiet sometimes, not realizing I'm trying to figure things out by pulling the right memory files from the right drawers.  Doesn't always work.  Mostly, though, it does.

In November I had a quick surgical procedure that has turned me into a bionic woman of sorts, as a handful of white coats try to figure out why my heart wants to pause for way too long at times, to the point of blacking out.  And on top of that, the incision has still not completely healed, and slowly leaks, 6 or so weeks since having it done.  They've put me on a couple of strong meds to no avail, and can't figure it out.

I think they are tears escaping from a broken heart, but what do I know.

*Summer was a fun time for me, going on escapades with my daughter and her hubby and my Grandbabies...  my JOY in every way!  Their smiles and little hands in mine, their pleads for me to stay with them...  they make my heart strong and fill me with sunshine and cool breezes!  Izzy and Ally, ages 8 and 6, participated in our church Christmas Program  --  AWESOME!  I love being such a big part in their lives, and having them be such a big part in mine.  They give me wings to fly!  And Benjamin runs to me when I walk through their door, asking to be held.  He waits for detailed explanations from me about everything he points to, as he gently pats my back.  :)

*Thanksgiving was filled with family and food and fellowship.  We pray yours was, too!  Christmas was quiet and relaxing, and filled with comfort and joy.  The New Year came in quickly and peacefully, and my Grandbabies got to experience banging pots and pans outside as my baby did, as I did.  Traditions!  

I am not one for resolutions, but I made a list of things I would like to accomplish:  Less TV, more Bible and prayer time, less busyness, more church, less spending, more saving, less cyber world, more real world, less Dove Dark, more healthy foods, more walking, more nature, more quiet, more art.  This is really my "Need" list.

~~~~~~~~~



Rob and I, as well as the rest of my family, thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your care and concern for all of us.  We thank you for lifting us in prayer, because we can attest over and over to being lifted out of the muck and mire and being carried to safe places by your prayers.

Days can be overwhelming if we're only looking at our days.  

But this time that we are in is such a brief moment in view of eternity.  It helps to put things into perspective to know that God will work all things for good for those who believe in His Kingdom, in His Son.  And we do.  

So these days, these valleys, these hurdles and setbacks... we can handle it all because we're not walking alone.  And that gives us strength, and power.  And a peace beyond all understanding.

And we're good with that. :)

I will update in early March to let you know the road we'll be on, and gratefully ask that God will richly bless your lives, as you (and He) have preciously done with ours.

In Peace and in Love,

Cheri  ♥

  

Firecrackers and Doctors

The summer heat is ferocious... well, to me, anyway!
Rob is dealing with it quite well, thanks to the a/c and the beautiful, cool evening soft winds.  

Me?  I am eternally an Autumn Girl. :)
 

Autumn, 2013

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

 

Here's what's been happening in our part of the world...

Rob and I got the results of the CT last week, and the cancer is not gone, but it is "stable" for now, so Rob will remain on a chemo holiday for a bit longer.

 

These are the notes from the oncologist (Dr. B) visit last week:

• As you may remember, Rob is in stage 4 liver disease... the chemo did great damage to his liver.  So now we are seeing Dr. A, the nephrologist, tomorrow, to see what his plan of action will be.  Dr. B says the liver is taking priority right now.
•  Rob will redo the CT's again in September, but we will be checking in with Dr. B every 6 weeks.  Since the cancer is in the lymph nodes, when it takes off again, IT WILL TAKE OFF.  So, Dr. B wants to keep a handle on it.
• She gave us a list of symptoms to watch for regarding the cancer's return... she said we would know, that it will be "different" somehow.

From all the pre-tests Rob has had with Dr. A so far, we know there is much scarring in the liver, so we are hoping there is something that can be done to help strengthen it again.  Hoping.

In the meantime, Rob's hair is returning... eyebrows, beard, eyelashes, arms, legs, belly... he's looking like his old "Baer" self again (inside joke!)... ;)  
He is on a couple of stronger prescription pain meds now, because the headaches just don't stop unless he's sleeping, which he still does quite a bit of.  
He spends his awake time conversing with old friends and family on the beautiful gift of a new computer from Sister Holly and Brother Stu... which I thank them for from the bottom of my heart, too!!!  Facebook has become his connection to normal days where he can enjoy his music and share "funnies" with others.  I really am thankful he has that literally at his fingertips.

And his sense of humor?  Still intact.  :)

 

Rob doesn't leave the house much except for doctor's appointments, so to have him join some of the family for dinner on the fourth... it was great!!!  He filled up with food, smiles, little hugs, and probably one too many s'mores, but he had fun, and that's what mattered!!!  The grandkids were SO happy to see him!  They have had to stay away during the chemo because of Rob's immune system being shot.  They sure have missed "Mr. Rob" a lot!!!

We will celebrate our 4th Anniversary in two days, July 9th!
It's hard to believe so much has happened like it has...

Rob and I found each other and got back together in 2010, 
married in 2011, 
he was diagnosed with terminal stage IV cancer in 2012, 
surgery in 2013, 
and chemo on and off since then.

We have tiptoed through the dark valleys, and been carried over the crevices, and lifted back on the path to the mountaintops by your unfailing prayers...
I don't know how to even thank you for the time you've given us together, but I am humbled and grateful, and I thank you for keeping us in His arms through it all.

1st Anniversary, 2012

2nd Anniversary, 2013

 

3rd Anniversary, 2014

We know that the journey is not over, and there will most likely be more valleys and dark paths coming... more than we want.  But we are both filled with peace and calm, and a passion to make sure you all know where our strength comes from.  Because without our faith in God, in His Son Jesus, and without the prayers of His people... we would be lost in this darkness.  We know there is much to learn, and much to share.  And we welcome the opportunities He gives us... regardless of the circumstances.

So we say to the darkness... "Bring it on!!!"  
We have the power of God on our side!!!
Our time here, in reality, is but a brief dance on the wind.
Eternity is where it's at. :)

Enjoy your days... we are!  Enjoy the sunshine and flowers and summer breezes, the laughter and smiles, even the thunder and lightening and pouring rain.  Yes, and the non-stop firecrackers!  
Seasons of life... ahhhh, yes!

We'll be back soon.  Until then, do something good and fun and unexpected.  Pay it forward.  Love.  

Most importantly... Love. ♥  


In Love and In Peace,

Cheri (and Rob) ♥    

Gliding Along on Summer Breezes...

Hey, look who's back!!!

I know, we've been absent from here for quite some time.

Lots going on, and summer is here.  We've been enjoying the birds, and the breezes, and the nice days, and the stormy ones, too.  Rob's hair has been growing back slowly, and other than the never-ending headaches, and a few new pains here and there, he is a bit more chipper than he has been in some time.  He's decided to grow his beard back for a while, too.  The pics interspersed are from this morning... never ask a 'ham' if he wants his picture taken! LOL!

I'll fill you in a bit on what's been happening in our part of the world, here in crazy Michigan.  We'll just touch on the mountain tops, and keep the valley areas more private.  Just seems appropriate and needed.

As you remember, Rob had just begun his fourth cycle of chemo in April... scheduled for another several months of treatments.  While at the second Medical Short Stay visit, he received a phone call from his oncologist in the room, IV already started, explaining why she was stopping the chemo effective immediately.  His liver numbers were continuing to rise and she was afraid he'd go into liver failure.  

So we stopped, went home early (that was nice) and waited a week or so to go see Dr. B.  When we went for the appointment, she explained in more detail why she did what she did, and asked him to go see a nephrologist (liver specialist) within the next 1-2 days, her office to set it up for us.

Here in lies some of my frustration...

We finally got the gals to get the appointment set after six phone calls and four weeks.  You know how I got it done?  I called her office that sixth time and said, "I was wondering if you could do me a favor... Can you leave a message for the doctor explaining that the reason Rob hasn't gotten in to see the liver specialist within 48 hours of the appointment is because I've made six phones calls to the office and have yet to get anyone to help?  Just so she knows."


We got a call with the appointment within a day, and that was that. :)


So Rob had LOTS more tests done over the course of the last few days, and we have found out that the chemo had a detrimental effect on his ol' liver.  So the liver man, Dr. A, talked to Dr. B, and they are not going to do anymore chemo until they see what, if anything, they can do to help the liver.


Next week Rob will go in on Monday for the CT of his chest, abdomen, and pelvis so we can see what the cancer is doing, and we'll meet with Dr. B the next day to go over the results.  Then, as Dr. A explained, he and Dr. B will have to get together to figure out which to treat, and what the action plan will be.

In the meantime, we are just going to enjoy each day, even during the thunderstorms inside and out.  They are days to enjoy, days to cherish, and days that we will be thankful for, come what may.

Thank you all so very much for keeping us in your prayers and thoughts over these last couple of years...  You have no idea what an impact you have all had on our lives through everything.  Yes, there are overwhelming days still, filled with anger and tears, phone calls, and not-so-understanding bosses... but they pass quickly.  And when we stop getting lost in the muck, and just let it all go, the peace of God is ever so present  --  giving us strength and optimism and the spirit to go on.  Grace.  Yes.

Thank you is not enough... but thank you, to eternity and beyond. ;)

I'll be back next week (or so) to let you know what our action plan is.  In the meantime, your continued prayers would be so appreciated.

Have a blessed day, week, and summer!!!  Even here in Michigan where there seems to be more rainy days than sunny ones lately!  
At least we have the days! :)

May God richly bless you all. 

In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥  

At a Standstill... Sort of

Some days it feels like I just started this blog for Rob.  

Other days it seems like a lifetime ago.

(Rob and I, pre-C  --  2012)

It was four weeks this past Monday since Rob had any chemo treatments.

If you remember, he was sent home after the IV had already been started for his second round of the fourth cycle of chemotherapy for stage IV bladder cancer.  Rob got a call in the medical short-stay unit from his oncologist to stop the treatment as he was finishing the third of the pre-drugs and about to get the actual chemo...  The change in plans was due to the blood work results that were drawn when we got there.

(Stock photo)

Rob's liver counts were high, and climbing dramatically each week.  His doctor was afraid he would go into liver failure if he received the treatment.

So... Rob, sister Holly, and I packed up and went home to wait for a few weeks to recheck the numbers.  We saw Dr. B this past Tuesday and she had more blood drawn to check Rob's liver counts.  

We got the results back yesterday.  

Four weeks since his last chemo treatment, and the numbers are even higher.  They are continuing to climb, and we don't know why.

I have a theory...  the liver filters out toxins, and the docs have been pumping him full of poison pretty much straight since November of last year.  And that doesn't count the four months of the initial treatments in early 2013.

(Stock photo)

But Rob is strong.  

And his body is working hard to fight this beast.

So Dr. B is referring Rob to a hepatologist  --  a physician who specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of diseases of the liver, gall bladder, pancreas and biliary tree.  Rob is not big on the idea of seeing yet another specialist.  Or any doctor for that matter.  When he called me at work yesterday to tell me this latest news, he said to me, "The cancer is going to get me, they can't stop that.  Why should we pay to go to more doctors?"  I told him it might be a good idea to at least find out what exactly is causing the high numbers.  He reluctantly agreed for now.  We are waiting to hear back from Dr. B's office on where and when the appointment will be.

(Patience please, Lord.)

(Stock photo)

Dr. B has officially put Rob on a "chemo holiday" for awhile, as she said the chemo at this point is not a good option.  She said his body is not tolerating it, so she wants him to rest for a bit.  He'll have the CT's again on his chest, pelvis, and abdomen toward the end of June to check on the cancer growth, and we'll meet with Dr. B the following day to get the results.  

So as far as the chemo goes, Rob is on "holiday" for the near future.

He continues to deal with headaches that stop him in his tracks and contort his face in ways that intense pain can, but he says they are not as bad as they were.  So that is good.  He is trying to get by on lesser strength pain meds, just because he wants to right now.  Dr. B told him if he needs anything stronger to let her know, and he can get it.

I was home today.  Work wasn't an option for many reasons.  Mostly I just needed to be home.  The sun has been out all day, the temps are warming back up again, birds have been chirping as they play amongst the branches of the flowering trees, children on the playground...  The world continues and life goes on all around us.

(Me)

When I am not being filled with smiles and joy from my baby and her babies, I find myself so deep in thought.  More and more.  I pray and cry out to God with all the goods and all the bads, all the joys and all the fears.  My relationship with Him is stronger each day, and it is so much closer than ever before.  And it is so good.  

One moment I feel like I will shake apart at the seams, and the next, I am breathing peacefully as He whispers life into me with each breath.  Contemplating.  Being.  Praying for guidance, praying for wisdom.  Seeking answers I may or may not hear.  The "yes" answers are mostly comforting, the "wait" ones are the hardest, and the "no" ones are mixed...  sad at the loss of made-up hopes and dreams, but happy at being able to let go, finally and forever, and get back to living.

So many words and pictures and songs and dreams swirling around in my being day and night, and I am finding comfort in not feeling like I have to have answers, or control.  I just have to have faith, and trust, and be obedient.  And whatever the future holds, it's all going to be okay.  Because God knows best, and He works all things for good for those who believe and love Him.  

And I believe.

And I love Him.

In this I go on.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Rob and I continue to be humbled and grateful for the love and prayers and support expressed to and for and about and around us both... it is all felt and appreciated, and we love you all more than words can say.

I will update when I know more.  

About anything. :)

(Found during an afternoon walk...)

In love and in peace,

Cheri ♥